...suicidal dreams

You do not understand even life. How can you understand death? ~Confucius~

Life is not easy. We were born into sin and the Bible tells us about the hardships that would be placed before us and reveals to us the signs of life’s difficulties in our era. Deuteronomy 28:59 warns about the plagues of life and how they would be “long-lasting plagues and malignant and long-lasting sicknesses”…verse 66 adds “And you will certainly be in the greatest peril for your life…you will not be sure of your life.”

There are certain subjects people avoid due to conflicted self-ethics and personal beliefs. Deliberate avoidance of such topics makes coping with life’s difficulties more stressful for some people who already struggle with day-to-day hardships. Those topics are—death and suicide—suicide and death. I tell you today, or as many times as you read this passage, two truths: (1) suicidal dreams are reality for some and (2) death is inevitable for all.

I dream of dying…death by one’s own hand...tangled in a world of love and lies…I just can’t understand why this pattern keeps cycling in my life…lying to my mind to make believe…fictitious smile plastered to deceive…everyone but self…I dream of dying…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

If you randomly selected 5 groups that consisted of 10 people, 1 out of 10 in that group will have dreamt, if not attempted suicide.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP, 2011) states, “More than 36,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year”. This number solidifies suicide as the 10^th cause of death annually in America. What could be so bad that one would want to take their own life? Circumstances differ.  Different people react differently to life events—illnesses, death of loved ones, abusive domestic relationships, divorces, termination from their job, financial decline, trials of parenthood, peer-pressure, and drugs (just to name a few) are some reasons people feel life is no longer worth living…they feel worthless and they feel the people they love would be better off with their demise. Therefore, they chose to terminate their lifely existence.

Some people cannot handle grief…some cannot handle suffering…some cannot handle a broken heart. AFSP (2011) warns, “The factors that contribute to any particular suicide are diverse and complex, so our efforts to understand it must incorporate many approaches. The clinical, neurobiological, legal and psychosocial aspects of suicide are some of the major lines of inquiry into suicide -- here, we present some information from each of these perspectives”. (Read more on perspectives, warnings, and statistics.)

When a person reaches out to you about harming oneself, your job is to listen, help them seek help or in the case of dire emergencies seek emergency help for them immediately, and to sympathize; not to understand…not to judge… not to pity…not to criticize…not to assume they just want attention…this is a cry…a plea for HELP!

I dream of dying and hearing Brahms’s lullaby…no more worries…no more sorrows…no more todays…no more tomorrows…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la….dream a little dream of me~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

Oftentimes, onlookers or family of a person that committed suicide will think the person acted in a cowardly fashion by taking their life. The majority of society would agree; however, I ask, if it takes a coward to kill self, who does a brave person kill? Neither cowardice nor bravery is associated with suicide. It is lack of self and emotional connection most times coupled with mental disorder(s), such as depression…for some, even the lack of a personal relationship with God or a higher, Supreme Being is a factor in suicidal tendencies. Personally, to me, it is selfish, because suicide not only kills self, the shocking performance of self-murder leaves the minds of loved ones boggled with self-blame while their hearts are  wounded and filled with feelings of neglect and betrayal. Survivors of suicide are often angry and depressed; it is hard to accept that a loved one took their own life. Sadly, research shows that children who have parents who commit suicide are more prone to death by one’s own hand. 

As an avid reader, one of my favorite authors is William Shakespeare. Some may find it bizarre that a writer of non-literary fiction and poems would admire such a literary author of masterpiece tragedies. I, on the other hand, find it ironic. Most of my writings are about events in my life—good or bad—and how those events shape my very being. I term it—my WHO I AM. Shakespeare’s tragedies involve events of successfully planned murder and suicide in Romeo & Juliet to attempts of suicide in his notorious King Lear. Exactly what is my point? Shakespeare can be comprehended as applauding those people who cannot handle grief…who cannot handle suffering…who cannot handle a broken heart…people who end oneself by death; I am not applauding suicide nor attempts of suicide—I am merely stating a reality that is the cause of 36,000 deaths annually in the United States alone! 

As a person who has contemplated and attempted this act, I have the right to WRITE about it and TALK about it from personal experience. I am not brave…I am not a coward…I am a human who at one point could not cope with my own life’s tragedy and I had suicidal dreams.

No more killing the people I love…no more sickness…no more pain…no more expectations…no rainbows after the rain…only a hole left in the hearts of those I say I loved but feared…I pray they are comforted by God’s tears as He waters my final resting place...because I dreamed a little dream of me…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la…I dreamed of a little dream of me ~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

For more information on suicide help please contact:

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889
Deaf Hotline

For suicide information by state please visit the following link:

http://suicidehotlines.com/

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