…my greatest challenge (from A Sinner’s Soul)

A Sinner's Soul

"Embracing my WHO I AM"

©2012. Erin Adams-Phillips. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved.

I can be pretty damn convincing if I must say so myself. I’m a forced to be reckoned with. I laugh because I know many people don’t know the meaning of that idiom; therefore, they will NOT get the symbolism of its verbiage in this paragraph. Confused? Confused not; it is fairly simple. We, as humans, spend so much time trying to convince other people who we are…who we are not…what we believe…what we believe not…what we fear…what we fear not…what we love…what we love not…that it becomes a phase…a game. Who are we really trying to convince; others or self?

I am no angel. I am no saint. I am an ordinary person living in an everyday world full of temptation and sin. I fall short. I fail. I hurt people. I hurt. I heal. I forget. I forgive…yet; my greatest challenge is forgiving myself! 

I have beliefs…really; I do. That is no joke. I believe in being loyal. Being loyal is essential for me…it is not a choice…I am either with you or I am not. Sunday through Saturday. No certain days of the week. No special days…no holidays. There is no in between with me. I like you or I do NOT! I love you or I do NOT! I care or I care NOT! I’m loyal or I’m your worst enemy. Point blank. Period. Once I am betrayed, I find it easier to forgive the betrayer than to forgive myself for allowing myself to feel…love…be a friend…a mentor…whatever position it may be…forgiving me is my greatest challenge.

How many of you can relate to this? We give more to others (time, money, attention, support) than we do to self. We treat strangers better than we do family and self. We allow others to take (money, time, dignity, pride) more than they refuse to give and at the end of the day, we try to humble ourselves and tell ourselves “it isn’t their fault”…we forgive them. We own their errors and we bring upon ourselves unnecessary conflict. Emotional distress. Second-guessing self. Taking on burdens that don’t belong to self! Contradiction or conflict? 

Revolution or revelation? All of the above? 

Complicated simplicity…painfully beautiful!

Why is it so easy to forgive others and not me? 

Why am I so hard on me? 

Does the lack of self-forgiving mean that I believe that there is no such thing as a mistake; that in any event, I am a willing participant and deserve whatever hurt…whatever harm…whatever treatment comes my way? No matter how rude the awakening…regardless how unpleasant the hurt may be; that I must learn from my faults and suffer... “I made my own bed”; right? 

Wrong! 

Absolutely, positively WRONG! It means I’m a sinner with a soul. A sinner with a conscious. A sinner with a heart. I’m destined to bring hurt upon myself. It is natural to set goals I will not accomplish. It is a human-conditioned thought that I can always be a better me. It is NATURAL. 

So why is it such a challenge to forgive myself if all of this is “natural”?

“Self forgiveness is the process of restoring your directive will and to understand how you participate in reality and what you allow reality to become due to your participation and the patterns you allow” ~Bernard Poolman~

Self-forgiveness is a selfless act. It is the art of self-awareness…self-acceptance…self-love. It is very anti-egotistical. 

Really, Erin, just write it so everyone can understand it!

It is so hard for me to forgive myself because forgiving myself means that I must accept EVERYTHING about me…my past…my flaws…my strengths…my weaknesses. I must become emotionally intimate with myself…it is acknowledging all the things I do not want to be true in my life! It is a rare form of self-spiritual intimacy. 

Taking the good with the bad; self-revelation.  Accepting that what I do does not make me who I am, but who I am makes me abstain from things I should not do…in essence, self-forgiveness is cleaning the soul of a sinner or remaining selfish in a fool’s paradise. 

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…self-evaluate your parenting: for the love a child

©2012.  Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved. 

19 April 1998—the most beautiful little girl was placed into my arms…after 72 hours of hard labor, I held her BRIEFLY and commanded the nurse give her to her father. Within nanoseconds I was asleep and fondly remember waking up in my hospital suite ringing the nurse, “Where is my baby? I want my baby!” I kept her in the room with me all night—adoring her totally!

Being the youngest child of 8 children, I have to admit, I am “kind of” spoiled. Not spoiled in a materialistic kind of way…I didn’t grow up financially rich, only rich by being taught the knowledge of God (that is wealthy) and rich in love. I was spoiled with affection and being told that I can be and do anything I wanted—I was my only limitation.

MyADA--1st born daughter

Once you decide to bring a life into this world, YOU are responsible for that life. That means not only taking care of that child financially—food, clothes, and shelter—it also means YOU are responsible for that child’s emotional and mental well-being. It means that every decision YOU make in life affects that child…it means that YOU can longer be selfish and say, “What about ME?” YOU gave the “all about me” syndrome up when you decided to bring a child into this world. 

In difficult times, especially those of self-destruction, you have to evaluate YOU and stay AWARE…ensure that situations, good for you or bad for you, are not HORRIFIC for your child. Parents claim they will “die for their child”…if someone mess with your child, you are ready to kick ass like there is no tomorrow; yet, YOU will keep your child in an environment that corrupts them both emotionally and mentally. When and where does the cycle end? 

The life you live, would you want that life for your child? If you could bottle the pain you have felt as a child…as a woman, as a man…and break it so that it never reaches your child, would you? Would you protect them at all costs? 

At the age of 10, I can remember my Mahm taking my sister, my brother, and me…loading us into the car…leaving behind all of her material possessions for the sake of her sanity…her life…our emotional and mental protection. She started over…she did not look back. Did it hurt her? YES!!! Did she cry? Many nights. Did she survive? She sure did. 

KerriBerri--my Babygirl

Being a parent means you cannot be selfish…you have to find a way to channel negative energy and unhealthy ways of life into positivity. You have to guide and direct your child by EXAMPLE. Child rearing is the epitome of “monkey see, monkey do! It is that simple. It is not complicated. Children are not BLIND. They see your pain. They feel your hurt. They ARE affected by it.

If you have your child living in an environment that will leave them with permanent scars—whether it be physical, sexual, mental, or emotional—and you are AWARE of this…YOU are the abuser of your child. It is NOT FAIR to them to have to endure abuse and/or neglect because of your selfishness. 

Self-evaluate…get help…take action…and be responsible for all that you do—your child will thank you and most importantly, your child will RESPECT that you loved them enough to deliver yourself and them from evil.

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