2011© Erin Adams-Phillips. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved.
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| Erin ~smile~ |
As I sit here in this cold, white room, I ask Miselph, “Selph, why is it you HATE hospitals? Have you always been this way?” Selph chuckles, but understands that I must remind myself how I got & why I got to this point in order to face my demons & overcome them.
Selph replies, “You are far too hard on yourself, Erin. Your issues with hospitals started in 1998. Too many people you loved walked in them and came out in body bags. You lost trust in doctors and you became uncomfy with hospitals”.
“Well it’s no secret that I am stingy with my trust. The incident with Missy didn’t help me much, huh?” I ask Selph.
“No way, chica! In fact, that really added icing ~sugar free of course~ to the cake. Seeing her like that…one nanosecond from death…WOW!” Selph confided to me.
“Okay, so, we know my issues…we know why…how do we deal?” I ask Selph.
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| Miselph aka "Selph" |
“Erin, there is one thing over all things you pride yourself on…In fact, that is probably the only EARTHLY characteristic that makes you so YOU…so UNIQUE. You have locked it away lately. You need to ask ME why; because until you deal with that, I really can’t help you,” Selph sighed.
I look in the mirror…~kissteeth, rolleyes~ . I hate when I’m pale…and I hate even more when I lose weight in my damn face! Why can’t there be a button that you push to direct the weight loss? If my ass was as cute as my face, I’d totally swap them. I have a fat ass and a skinny face.
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| Dedee |
Selph sighs and shakes her head. She is very AWARE ~hint hint~ that I am avoiding what needs to be addressed. She frowns at the image in the mirror. I look down embarrassed. It is ironic how my shyness takes over when I am faced with a task I’m not ready to tackle. Before I know it…dare I say, before I can conceal her, Dedee who refuses to say things to me in my mind says, “Erin you are one weird chic!”
“Shut up, Bitch! Go back to your cage! Geesh! I can’t stand your asse!” I say and like clockwork, the nurse walks in and Dedee laughs. I totally can’t stand that chic!
Nurse puzzled, “Erin?”
I smile.
“Are you okay?” she inquires.
“You tell me!” Dedee says for Erin. Dedee hates when people ask stupid questions. I’m trying so hard to push her back in her cage. She is a threat to my professionalism.
“Aw, honey,” she says, “the Doctor will be with you shortly”.
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| Rebbie |
“Okay, thanks. May I have a blanket or something? I’m cold,” I ask politely, but Dedee is taping my foot 90 to nothing while Selph is fighting to keep Darlene from grinding my teeth! The nurse brings me a blanket. It is so warm and Dedee ass forgot to close the gate! Rebbie Slick smiles, “Thanks, Girl for this heat, Boo! We overdue too, E! What’s up with that?”
I place my hands in my head. Now, I love Rebbie…that’s my cat, but this chic emerges at the wrong time all the time. I never argue with her. I never win. Her control over me is not mental…it’s not emotional…it’s not personal…in fact, she is the happiest of all of my SELFs ~chuckles~…and she is my favorite alter-ego ~with her real sexy self~. I’m just glad that unlike Dedee real ghetto self, that Rebbie is very reserved and down to earth. “Chill Rebbie, I got you, Boo!” She laughs, but she trusts me TOTALLY.
I look over at the mirror and Selph smiles. I roll my eyes, but re-engage in my conversation with her.
“I hate when people place labels on things you know? “ Selph just looks to let me know she understands. “I hate when people try to figure me out. I hate when people say I over analyze things. I’m damn near deaf for God’s sake. I look for consistency…if I don’t see it, you just plain damn sheisty to me, you know?” Erin tells Selph. “Earlier; that characteristic,” I say in a very soft voice, “it’s my self-awareness”.
Selph beams like a proud mama! See, I have always prided myself on being self-aware. It is my most loyal trait. To know myself. Being self-aware is the reason I have succeeded in the specialty of Project Management within the Information Technology field. I am aware of and I embrace my strengths and my weaknesses. I am a LEADER. I am such a great leader, that I have no issues with following. I just know who to follow and when to follow them. Of all the years I have worked in PM, I have had ONE failed project ~applaud~ and that is because the Sponsor was technical-illiterate, bless her heart!
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| Darlene |
I hate people saying I am OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). OCD is so very misunderstood. It is a MENTAL ANXIETY disorder. OCD has nothing to do with a person’s thought process. People who wash their hands 1800 times a day are considered OCD. People who needs a clean home or clean all day are labeled OCD. I am not OCD. Crazy maybe; but OCD; naw!
I am just very damn self-aware. I am aware that my time management sucks. It sucks so badly that I’m just trifling with it. When I am headed to Alabama ~Dedee is giggling~ my family will call me 100 times, “Where are you?” Kentucky. “You were in Kentucky 4 hours ago!” I know ~Dedee is laughing~. I never said what part. I’m just over the bridge from Northern Kentucky (NKY). So when they first ask, I am in NKY chilling or something.
So, I like my kitchen arranged in a certain order. Why?; because I need to know where everything is. It is a major pet peeve for people to ask me, “Dee where is this?” “Mommy where is that?” SMDH
I have my clothes arranged in a certain order in my drawers & closet. If a shirt is missing, I know one of my kids have been in my drawer. I know when someone has taken a picture off my refrigerator. I know when someone has been in make-up or shoes. I know when someone has been in my can goods. I know when someone has been in my cold-cuts. I know when someone has used a blue dish, mocha dish, or a clear dish. WHY?; because I have a certain system of arranging things in my kitchen. If you don’t live with me, you don’t need to know my damn system. I have a system for the laundry. I know when people have been digging through dirty clothes. I know when someone tried to do the laundry! It’s not OCD. It’s organization. My house is not spotless. It is very lived in…it is unbecoming, but I do not play that dirty kitchen, dirty bathroom hoopla! I do not wake up and wash dishes before cooking breakfast. If I come downstairs and the kitchen is dirty (especially after I cleaned it), I will NOT cook breakfast! That is so against the law of Dedee. I don’t like hair in the tub/shower. I don’t like toothpaste spilled. I am allergic to dirty toilets! There is not a day that the kitchen and bathroom should skip a cleaning. That is NOT OCD; that is principle!
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| Nire |
Selph shakes her head, but understands that I totally diverted the topic to avoid dealing with what I totally need to deal with at this moment. I smile at her for being patient with me. I tell her, “Selph, people can’t help who they love…but they can help how they love. There are just some things in life we don’t control. We will love, we will hurt, we will heal, we will hate, & we will die. Isn’t it ironic, out of all of those things, the one I fear most is love?” Selph shakes her head to let me know she understands. Together we both recite Nire,
“When I love, I love hard…I give all of myself. It is my nature… my character, my person…my WHO I am; therefore, when I hurt, I feel the pain of 20 million women….wronged by 100 million men! My tears are in abundance and my heart aches uncontrollably; creating a clash of tidal waves in my bloodstream…shaking up my Earth and chilling my heated emotions. I am the originator of rivnamiquakes. I have cried a river and put fear in the heart of those who wronged me”.
The doctor walks in, “Hey, Erin; sorry to keep you waiting! How are you?”
Dedee says, “OH BROTHER!”
~to be continued~
~to be continued~
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