Here, I sit in front of my computer for 2 hours, trying to find a way to write my thoughts without sounding selfish and ungrateful. It is very rare for me to have trouble gathering my thoughts; and I simply know this is the Holy Spirit. How do I know? About 10 days ago, give or take, I was having some issues with being long-suffering, and mild & meek due to the injustice in our justice system, bias in our governments, and heinous ways of “pseudo” family & friends. These issues caused me to become a victim of misplaced anger & I distorted my priorities. I Iie down on the sofa; my mind is in overdrive, “Do I move?” “Do I just run away?” “What about your books, Dee?!” I closed my eyes tight and bit my lip. I needed to feel pain to know that I was not numb. “I’m so tired!” “No one understands!” I shake my head back and forth, because my heart is telling me to pray, but my mind has been kidnapped by Satan. I text Adrienne with a simple, “I’m so tired, Sis…please pray for me!” Why? I couldn’t pray for myself. When I get this way, I always call or text my front line to assist me with prayer. I am only human, I do get weak. So, I know that I am being visited by the Holy Spirit because though my fingers wanted to type 4-5-8- and 12-letter words, my mind has been released from Satan’s bondage. God is the best negotiator! All I had to do was ask for endurance, humility, forgiveness, but as always and most importantly, the strength to forgive others.
So, here I am. Tears in eyes. Smile on face. Heart humbled….at peace with my situation and THANKFUL! This I share with you. My wows and my woes because I am wise enough and mature enough to know and understand that my WOES are the reason for my WOWS.
“Some people run at the first sign of stormy weather…some people hold on and work it out together.I believe in you; you believe in me the rainbow ahead may be hard to see; we gotta hang on to this dream don't let go…And there's so many days I wanted just to call it quits …And there's so many times I wondered where in this world that I would fit in…We're just beginning, we can't stop now; we're gonna make it work out somehow. We'll show the world what is here we can't let go!” ~from We Haven’t Finished Yet by Patti Labelle~
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| My woes set the foundation for my WOWs |
The same government I worked for could not assist me once I became ill due to the fact my income (which had been reduced by $4000 a month) was not below the poverty line ~you really have to see my face right now~. The state doesn’t help either. Why? Too much income? Are you serious? “Have you ever considered moving to a different area of town?” What you really mean is, “Have I considered leaving the burbs and moving to low-income housing; correct?” She answers with her eyes. “Yes, I thought about it, and immediately slapped myself!” I have worked my entire life so that my children did not have to grow up and live in the inner-city communities. To each his/her own, but my husband grew up in inner-city communities and I grew up in the project community or as we say back home the “hood”. Why, just because my body has been raped by an auto-immune illness, should my kids have to trade their upbringing? I dare you insinuate that is my only option.
I was able to keep my Federal BCBS insurance on a program for 80 months. So, I had medical insurance for my family until January 2010. I became ill in November 2009. I was able to join the healthcare program at work due to open season in January. However, I became so ill, I had to leave my job. With no assistance, I had to pull my kids out of this activity & that activity. I left our home. I made decisions that would help us financially, while not stripping them of the only lifestyle they have ever known. I felt ASHAMED. Ashamed of being sick. Ashamed that I had Sarcoidoisis. Ashamed to ask for help, not financial help only…from family & friends. I have been sick many times over, and I have survived, but Sarcoid was like some new “shit” ~really that’s the only word that popped up in my head~. There are days I can’t get out of bed. There are days I can’t cook for my family. There are days I can’t stand the smell of food. There are days I am in so much pain all I do is cry. There are days I fake the funk and deal so my family will feel normal. I feel like a burden. I feel like an invalid. I feel like half the woman I used to be and I feel like no one cares! People just don ‘t care about things like that anymore. People don’t value the life of others like they did when I was growing up! People don’t care if you DIE.
My daughter and I were at the local Community Action Agency. See, I can’t sit and wait for life to end for me; I have to take a stand. I have learned about the programs to get your own business started. So far, so good. The woman had the funkiest attitude known to mankind. Once again, I don’t meet the guidelines. I lost it. It is not often anyone will see me angry. Mad maybe…even upset, but I rarely get ANGRY…it is such an ugly look on me ~smile~. A Hispanic family was leaving out of the room with a translator all smiles with six kids…YES, I counted. I looked and I felt the fire…the anger. This is what I said to the workers in the CAA paraphrased,
“~scoffs~ I find it funny, ironic even, that a person my age 37 years old has worked all their life. Paid their taxes, donated to charities, volunteered for NPOs, trying to be a good example for their children and help the less fortunate. However, when that person gets ill, those same organizations…same governments, frown on them and label them as “middle class” due to income guidelines. So my government…the one my nephews, nieces, cousins, & friends fight for and die for will aid foreigners before it will aid its own people. Middle class people need help too. I need an ASL interpreter but you need a 72-hour notice, but you hire people who are bi-lingual in Spanish for the Spanish-speaking population. So, America is telling me that unless I am NOT educated, if I don’t have 5 kids and 7 baby daddies, or if I am not a foreigner I cannot receive assistance? WOW. Well, you know, America is a lie. The government is a lie. The justice system is a lie. People who don’t try to change it because “it works” are a lie. ~I’m smiling now~ but I am the truth. This is my truth. I will beat this illness. I will have a NPO that assist “middle class” people who become afflicted with an illness and fall on rough times. I will not make them feel ashamed for being educated, hard workers, and ill. I will let them know there is hope. The next time I come here, I will be bringing you literature to share with those “middle class” people you turn away and you will address me as Dr. Adams-Phillips, because your attitude stinks and you have no compassion! Gracias, Senorita, y que tengan un buen día”.
The people in there were like AMEN. Tell’em; tell’em! I didn’t do it for an audience. I was just literally fed up. I was missing my family and friends. Some people are all about currency! I didn’t grow up like that. That’s not how I was raised. My family ~oh my God they have issues to the tons as do I~ but they would NEVER allow my children to witness some of the things they have had to witness in Ohio. However, it has made them more humble….more appreciative…more loving.
I would like to take this time to thank everyone who has assisted my family…I am not speaking of just monetary assistance. I’m speaking about prayers, well wishes, thoughts of us, making us smile. I want to take this time to thank one group in particular…WHIIMS-Women’s Health Issues In Miami-Valley Sisterhood. I have been allowed to go to their office…cry…complain….express my fears, and I received in return the best counseling ever. I know the first visit I sat there and cried for 10 minutes or more. Being ill with an illness like Sarcoidoisis was new to me. I am so used to being the caretaker…WHIIMS allowed me to take off my superwoman cape…forget about everyone else and think, if only for that moment, about myself! Tina, it’s like she saw right through me. I kept trying to discuss how badly I felt for my husband and children, but she asked, “What are you afraid of Erin?” No one had asked me that! I have been sick since November 2009 and that was the first time someone inquired about my fears. What Tina did for me that day was made me feel valid. She made me feel that I mattered. When I walked out of her office, I was not ASHAMED of having Sarcoidoisis, and I knew THAT DAY I would have a new outlook on my new life. My family and I thank the ladies of WHIIMS from the bottom of our hearts. You are very much appreciated, and I will be an active supporter of your organization for life! God bless you all and the work you do for others.
When people state the power of life and death lie in the tongue, they mean you can say something to a person and make them feel important...capable...loved. We all have a purpose. I’ve always shared my life experiences with my readers. In the introduction of my upcoming release “Weaning My Woes” a poetry book of my life, I state,
“There are people who only like to share the good. They want you to think that they got where they are on a happy ladder. “I let go and I let God!” What did you let go of? You always sung your own praises...in soprano. You would think they were born with a white-gold spoon in their mouth. Everything came easy...that person is not ME… I have grown…Rejoicing in my WOWs...embracing my WHATs...and weaning my WOES!” ~from Weaning My Woes by Erin Adams-Phillips~
Erin, I've read many stories about the struggles of others and none ever hit me like yours before. I think like most people, I find myself just shaking my head and saying, "Damn, that's rough" at the struggles of others. But the honesty in your post moved me past that sort of passive reaction to the point of inspiring me and hitting me emotionally. I had never heard of the illness you're battling prior to this post. I can't begin to fully comprehend your struggle but I truly admire your courage, resolve and your willingness to admit your fears. That's something a lot of us can't even bring ourselves to do. I don't say any of this out of sympathy, I say it out a deep sense of awe for a woman who continues to fight in spite of it all (and your writing is breathtaking. Sorry, as a fellow writer, I can't help but notice) I sincerely pray your days will be better and brighter and I'd like to thank you again for this tremendously powerful post.
ReplyDeleteMichael, I am humbled. Thank you, my fellow writer/author; stay blessed.
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