...I had a revelation

This week, I will share with you, my readers, some personal & intimate occurrences that has happened during my illness. This first account was written ONE YEAR after becoming ill. I share these with you for two reasons & two reasons only: (1) I need to re-read them in order to thief my strength back from the devil who stole it and (2) I want others to see me for the WHO I AM. I'm not always Wonder-woman...I do get weak...I do get discouraged...and YES, I even get tired and cry. However, I still have to keep a sense of humor...be positive...encouraging....inspiring. I am the type of person that will find GOOD in what others deem as BAD. In the words of Kennedi "MyADA" Phillips, "When life throws you a lemon, squeeze it into a jar of sweet tea and thank God you are a Southern Belle!" Tea anyone?

from the Dedee Diaries. © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Day one: Operation taking my life back!

November 22, 2010…I had a revelation

As my meds coerce me into conversing with the dead, I had a revelation. I could succumb to these illnesses or I could fight back! As I watched my husband silently sleeping, I closed my eyes and I talked with God. No need to lie to Him, He already knows. My conversation with Him is private; I care not to reveal my cries to Him. He’s that special…He keeps my secrets, my woes, my fears.

I decided to check on my girls. I had to laugh because Kennedi, Kerrigan, and Ras were all in KerriBerri’s room. Ras did his normal growl thinking I was going to remove him, but I just said, “Hush Ras!” He went back to his “guard dog” position (not knowing his just a Maltese). I went back into my room, Ras growled had awaken Phil. I smiled trying not to let him know I was in pain. See, just nano hours before, I made an unconscious (yet very aware) decision to stop taking medications. Come on, I have 25 prescribed meds! I am still sick everyday! Why do I keep poisoning my body with this crap and I still feel like death is 2 seconds away! If death is my fate, I want to enjoy what days I have left with my family! I refuse to be a Zombie any longer!

As I lie next to him, he cradles me. His warmth reassures me I have made the right decision. He kisses my cheek and I feel him softly snoring. I cry! I channel surf…Disappeared is on ID. I ache. Badly. I lick my lips to try to avoid medicating. I’m angry! My anger wins over my addiction to the pain meds and sleep finds me. I cannot feel my shivers, but Phil awakes me and asks what’s wrong? I realize I am having chills and tell him my usual, “I’m okay!”

I open the window closest to me and go into my medicine pal. I turn on the bathroom fan so he doesn’t hear me. I find my talking thermometer ~I can’t hear the others beep~ and take my temp…103. 4. My first mind is to shower in Luke warm water, but I don’t want to wake him. I run the basin full of Luke warm water, rub my body down like Mahm used to do when I was little…pop two Motrin and rinse them down with tap water…in the dark, I searched for one of his 100% cotton tees ~allowing my body to breathe~…and rejoined him. He stirs and asks, “What’s wrong?” I reply, “Fever!” 

Restless, I try to lie still to let him get his rest. Sleep finds me once again. I awake to him smiling, getting ready for work. I’m looking around. My girls are gone off to school. He ensured they let me sleep in…I wonder what their hair look like ~lol~…did Kerri get her glasses…did they eat breakfast? But I smile and trust him…he is their father…their protector.  We make small talk…trying to avoid the, “Are you in pain banter?” Cause if he asks, I am going to lie and say, “No!” So to keep from being dishonest, I avoid the conversation.

My mind is so far gone I don’t hear him telling me good-bye! He yells, “Dee!” Startled I yell, “WHAT?!” He said, “I said Bye, Babe!” Embarrassed, I smiled and said, “Bye, Phil…love u!” Between texts from my Bestie for support and laughs…I prepare him chili. He loves my chili! I do what my body allows tidying up the house…a little laundry. Making list of to do’s:

Text DJ to ensure he registers

Sign the girls up for new classes

Email my professor

Write family gathering letter

Text Bettye

Email T-shirt distributor

Make doctor appointments for girls

Contact Time Warner and be nice until they fix your shit ~roll eyes~

A pain hits…I brace myself and groan. I take a moment to sit and reflect while Ras is out back doing his doggy business. I thought of my Mahm…how strong she is…my aunties, Ruth, Jessie, Mildren, and Lorraine…how strong they are/were…the illnesses they battled… how you would never know Aunt Mildren was sick because she was too busy smiling and talking! Aunt Jessie could have a pain in your presence, you could see the tears in her eyes, but she would just grunt and smile. Aunt Ruth, the only way I can ever tell she is sick, is her voice goes very soft ~Mahm says I’m like that…get sick and can’t talk LOL~…the last time I was home, Aunt Rene had just had surgery…and that woman was standing and smiling and greeting visitors…my Mahm…”I’m just tired, that’s all!” She be sick as shit…but her concern is for everyone else…I am the product of these women… WARRIORS…I smile.



My Mahm (standing middle) with her sisters Auntee Rene & Auntee Bea.  (sitting) RIP Auntee Jessie & Auntee Ruth



My dad’s mom died my senior year in school. I remember fondly her last day. She was yanking out her IVs. She did not want that medicine in her. She told the nurse just that! When I went in to see her to say goodbye, Grandma just said, “I love you!” No tears, no emotion, no fear! Just “I love you!” I still believe today, those are the strongest, most magical words a person can say! I am a product of this woman…FEARLESS!

I recount the story of my maternal Grandfather’s death and the strength of my Grandma as she watches her husband die in front of their daughters! I am a product of this woman…BRAVE!

Before I realize it, I say out loud to myself, “Joan of Arc ain’t got shit on me!” I laugh.

It won’t be easy! It will be a daily battle; however, I claim victory!

How nice it would be for my kids to say, “I am the daughter of Erin of Alabama!”