...go down Moses

from the Dedee Diaries © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Day 3…go down Moses

November 24, 2010…on the grind

What is normal? I don’t want the Webster’s definition of normal. Define it in your own terms. I am quite sure the majority will explain it according to society’s set norms….embracing stereotypes and bias traditions. Some don’t think it’s normal for a person who is ill to try alternative methods…self heal. They only trust mankind and mankind’s medicine. Well, I guess I’m not normal ~Dedee, tell the people something they did not know already; GEESH~. 

Well, I will tell you it’s not normal to be in this kind of pain—physical, emotional, and mental—I am depressed. I miss MarJean. I can’t even think of my own selfish self right now. I just want her back for a day, so I can give her that day with me and my girls! I know I couldn’t do anything to stop her dying…trust me, I would have given her an arm if she needed it, but I could have given her me…us…one last time, but I didn’t. Why? Selfish…trifling…time-challenged. 

I am in pain…I am pain! Some days, I just wanna sleep and forget it. I am on the grind….not the good grind. I grind my teeth when in pain…and in my sleep.  I want my Mahm, but I trust my husband …yes, with my life. I trust that he will make the right decisions for me when I don’t make them for myself. Sure, we’ve had issues…and we always will…yet, though he has brought me pain and I him…I would never question that he would want me dead…I am his wife…the mother of his children. I know he will fight hell and high water to ensure my health and well-being. 

I am afraid of hospitals ~another dirty little secret~…he works…take care of the girls…even combs their hair, but he stays with me at the hospital because he knows if he doesn’t, I’m coming home…I’m not normal…I don’t  love normal…I don’t expect normal love.  When my MarJean was ill, I cooked for her and her mother every week—with a smile. I sat at the hospital every weekend—with a smile…and I actually enjoyed it…I enjoyed her…our time together….our friendship. Not only did she know ME….she accepted ME! She LOVED me….I loved her back. 

My normal is not normal…when I love….mmmhmm…I love deep…I love hard…intense…passionate…I will go above and beyond the call of duty…I’m going to support….I’m your biggest cheerleader. Your #1 fan. I pride myself on being a GREAT friend…sibling…daughter…mother….WIFE. The only downside is….when I hate…I hate with passion. When I’m done, I’m done. I don’t give a shit who you are…when I’m fed up…I’m fed up. So call me fake…I smile in the face of your confusion. Just because I’m not who you want me to be when you want me to does not make me fake…it makes me ME and you YOU…

...Dedee's World

I’m sick. SICK…physically…I have sane mind…just because I’m sick does not mean I am going to come around and accept whatever a person puts out. I take more from my Mahm and my spouse then I will anyone…the person who gave me life…the person I gave my heart and said vows with before God.  No one else, including my childs will get the chances in life they get with me….I am not society’s norm. I set my own rules. My own limits. 

Find yourself, people. Find out who you are…embrace that person. I’m really like go down Moses…find your person…tell  your person to free him/herself from society’s bondage. Society is just a group of people who the majority makes special…they set the trends…run the media…decide what’s  normal. That opens the door for prejudice in all forms. I defy society norms with a smile on my face. I live, breathe, eat, sleep, & yes, I will die…in Dedee’s World. How peaceful it is….I have let society go…what’s your norm?...no, who are you?