...i got anger inside of me

from A Dolphin's Cry: My battle with sarcoidosis by Erin Adams-Phillips

©2011. Erin’s Echo & Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

A Dolphin's Cry

I got anger inside of me…

I can’t explain my body sometimes. I think even the doctors are confused. My blood is high…then low…hypertension…hypotension. Headache after headache. Joint pain after joint pain. Muscle spasm after muscle spam. Organ dysfunction after organ dysfunction.

I think I’m all cried out. 

I keep trying to tell myself that I need to let go of all this anger inside of me. The problem with that is, this anger is in my head, not my heart. When I forgive, I forgive for me; not for the other persons. This anger inside of me, stems from what others have done, and for so long, I allowed it.. I am angry at them. I am angry at ME—for seeing how these people love, respect or shall I say disrespect, and treat people, then willingly uphold each other in their wrongdoing. My mind embodies so much anger, because these people turn around and throw stones in an attempt to condemn the people that are there for them. They found a way to place face value on things in life that are priceless and have made things priceless that can be sold on every street corner. You know the ones who walk around with that holier-than-thou, sadity saint attitude, but lead the sins envy and gossip? The mixed stench of a cow humping a pig’s ass in grass flooded with muddy waters during the flood of hypocrisy? It stank—it stank badly.

I got anger inside of me!

Noses turned up about my husband and me, as if they had never seen a familony—when I learn they are familiar with familony (up close and personal familiar). The look of familial indiscretion as if they are free from sin when they should ask, “What are my sins and who am I to pass judgment?” 

If only I could shield their eyes from the prejudices & ugliness of the world! I would poke my kids in their right eye and stab them in their left, but it is far too late…their eyes have seen the coming of the ugly and the uglier; therefore, I must accept that though young, their eyes are no longer virgin. The cruelty & hatred of this system molested those big, beautiful browns before they could walk & talk. They have seen the selfishness of their blood lines that should love them unconditionally. They have seen and they have seen truth for only blind eyes lie. My daughters, at such tender ages, will never get to wear rose-colored glasses. How dare you judge me and make them suffer?! 

I got anger inside of me. 

I dare you to ever let my name roll off your foul tongues onto your deluded lips!! It is YOU that you should question…your WHO you are and not the who I am!!  

Dear God,

I got anger inside of me and it is killing me. I try so hard to remove it, but I am just a good for nothing slave and I need help with this. I need help to let it go!! My doctor said, “Stress kills!” I’m not stressed, I got anger inside of me. I remember Your word being delivered and the brother said, “Heart attacks and brain attacks kill. I don’t worry…I don’t stress…I don’t become anxious…I hate the actions of others, but I don’t hate people…I give it to God…yes, I throw my burdens upon Jehovah because I know He will sustain me (from Psalms 55)”. I don’t hate the people either, God. Only their actions. Yet, I am angry. I am angry with them at them and at and with myself! I need to humble myself…become meek and mild-tempered in order to be long-suffering. I’m running short on kindness, God. Sometimes, though I pray for others, I can’t pray for myself. See, I don’t want to be healed. I’m not so arrogant or think I’m better than the next that I want a healing, I just want to release this anger I got in me…so that I can allow You to help me endure. Please, God, I have anger inside of me. It is in my head, on a voyage to my heart. Help me to release the anger…coat it with forgiveness, forget, and bye-bye! I come before you and humbly ask. I respect and accept it won’t be today…it won’t be tomorrow, it may not even be next month, but I know, if I work at it…sincerely, because I asked you and worked for it, it shall come to be! Help me release this anger I got in me so that I can do Your will and swim with the dolphins one day. I ask these and all things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen Amen!