...facing reality: the cold, hard truth

Are you addicted to drugs? Not street drugs; prescription and/or over-the-counter drugs. If you were, would you know it? If you knew it, would you admit it?  (Read more about awareness here.)

More often than not, patients of chronic illnesses become addicted to prescription pain medication. More people overdose from prescribed meds then they do street drugs. It is a constant growing problem, and worse, it stunts treatment of patients both mentally and physically.

In the memoir I am writing, "A Dolphin's Cry: My Battle with Sarcoidosis" I face the common reality that I was over medicating. I kept telling my drug-induced mind that AGAIN I had been stripped of so much, so fast—betrayed by Mother Nature...not GOD! 

I live a life that is TRUE to myself—I am not ashamed of the things I have done and I don’t speak about things if I cannot ECHO them in life.

from “A Dolphin’s Cry”~as I wipe steam from my bathroom mirror I say, “Good morning, Sarcoid”! My eyes look like frog eyes; my voice is hoarse, my body looks soft but underneath is a warrior ready for battle! I poke out my chest, “You have been winning because I let you! You are not my first illness! I’ve lost senses & organs to illnesses before you. You on some new shit, but so is my doctor and I am a believer; so Good Morning, Sarcoid; let’s have a great day!"

In an earlier blog from the Dedee Diaries: I had a revelation, I speak of how I stopped taking prescribed pain medications AGAIN, because when you have a chronic, painful illness, you learn the meds do not take away the pain, they only put you in a mental state where you can bear the pain--I call it ZombieNation or Lala-Land...so as soon as it wears off, you immediately want to go back to ZombieNation or Lala-Land. These medicines are abused because people are unaware of how they work. If you do not know how to cook on a gas stove, most likely you will burn your house down. If you do not understand how a medicine works, you can easily abuse it. 

Prescribed pain killers are in a class of medicines called "opioid". To most they are known as Narcotics (Narcs). These medicines sends messages to the brain that pretty much says, "There is no pain in your body!" They also induce people into a high state of euphoria--which produces the feeling of being "high". When you come down from the state of euphoria, you get so emotionally sad, you want another pill or two to stay in the drug-induced state of "happy". 

There are several drugs in this category but the most common are oxycodone/OxyContin (Percocet) and  Vicodin/hydrocodone (Lortab). My illness is so painful I was given Percocet and Lortab. When I realized how many I was taking and counting them to see if I had enough to make it through my 30-day refill, I knew I had an issue that had to be addressed. My husband would ask, "Dee, don't you think you taking too many pills?" He always asked who was I trying to be a modern-day Dorothy Dandridge? He had even threaten to call my Mahm...he knows damn well I'm scared of my Mahm ~smile~. 

I took a hard look at myself. I was popping one of each pill every two hours with wine and I was the happiest, sickest person I ever knew. When I did not have them, I was sad and angry. Not wanting to tell my family, I reached out to a friend I knew I could trust. We talked about it and with our talk, I was able to say, "Dee, you addicted to these pills". 

I'm in pain right now...as I type this blog...chronic pain...daily...but I only take Tylenol 3 (no codeine) to alleviate the pain...okay, so that's like taking a vitamin, but I manage. When the pain becomes too much for me to bear, I will contact my doctor, who is aware of my belief that I was over-medicating, and go to the ER to get medication through an IV. Narcotics/opioids are not only addictive, when abused, they cause severe harm to the body...especially the digestion and respiratory systems (read more about Opioids here). 

I wrote this poem during my first encounter with narcs. I had to face the reality that I was abusing them...my relationship with narcs started in 1996 and ended in 2011. With me battling an illness like sarcoidosis, that has now attacked my nodes, I won't say I won't take them again...I may take them again, but this time around, my doctor and I know how to deal with the issue. I am honest with myself and that is what is most important.

FACING REALITY
©2004~ E. Darlene Adams-Phillips. Why you gotta treat me so bad. All rights reserved.

It’s hard for me to say good-bye to you
I’ve never been good at farewells
If I say to you, “I’ll see you later”
I know I’m setting myself up to fail
Please don’t think you weren’t good for me
In all honesty, you were my joy
But I totally used and abused you
Like a dog mauling a child’s toy
I took advantage of you consistently
As you tried to be my friend
I refused to look at your values & wouldn’t heed the warnings
As you tried to inform me "this was a dead end"
See, you comforted me when I was sad
Blind lifted me when I was depressed
Unselfishly fulfilled me on those long winter nights
Alleviated my stress
And I know you never intentionally meant to hurt me
You would have left if I did not hold you back
The unhealthiness of this relationship is my entire fault
Because perseverance I lacked
I blamed all of my trials and problems on you
My health, my marriage, my career
When really, I was the only one to blame
Because departing from you I feared
Well, we know I can’t say I’m divorcing you
Because now you part of  my life
I’m just committing to never use or abuse you
I’m finding a new way to deal with my strife
I guess, you can say I’m making healthier choices
When it comes to you and me
Facing my reality, appreciating my worth
Setting all my addiction demons free!
So I pray this new relationship will be productive
As I deal with issues of both you and me
We are embarking on a journey for the rest of my life
Me, my conscious, and my pain!

Resources:

http://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/PainkillerOverdoses/

http://www.thegooddrugsguide.com/

http://www.oxyabusekills.com/

http://www.theantidrug.com/pdfs/prescription_report.pdf