Erin's Echo: ...a dolphin's dream (from a Dolphin's Cry)

from A Dolphin's Cry: My battle with Sarcoidosis by Erin Adams-Phillips

…a dolphin’s dream

...as I'm about to start the journey upstairs to my bed...I finalize my chapter in the journal..."I'm always humbled by the love and prayers...on good days and GREAT ones. As usual, Kennedi and Kerrigan has managed to clean, cook, fight, and bribe me out of ish they know they won't get tomorrow...they each sat to my side...propped my feet on pillows...talked to me like a baby and celebrated my tears. I went to sleep but Kerri woke me up because I was crying. When I saw her, I was like DAMN!...I was dreaming Dr.E told me that because it took them over 3 years to find the Sarcoid because my old doc neglected to compare my abnormal chest x-ray back in 06 with my ACE blood levels...I wasn't on proper meds to slow down the attack of Sarcs on my body...now roids will make me sicker not better...and I have endured so much, they can allow one outstanding patient the wish of giving the disease to anybody....ANYBODY without any memory of having the illness....I was CRYING in my dream...Kerrigan woke me before I could answer. I really would have liked to know what I would have said...or more likely who I would have chosen :(

...back to reality...I would say....hmmmm....errrrr.....ahhh.....hmm...sigh! I wouldn't wish this on anyone....wait...let me ponder hereeeee......mmhhhh....hmmmm...nawww!! I will keep it <thunder rolls...ground shakes...lightning flashes....wolves howl>...forgive me Father \0/

(heheeeeee....but no, I wouldn't...shy smile)..."

…dolphins…dreams…& NIGHTMARES

I like to think of dreams as being peaceful…reinforcing; however, that would mean I’m having nightmares right now. Today is worse than yesterday. I’m doing all I can to stay sane and not lose my cool, you know? It isn’t always easy. Pain makes me mean…impatient…I would rather sleep than confront it, but I can’t get comfortable…my groin has swollen nodes…they hurt badly. My right jaw aches like five mouth midgets were in there tap dancing and singing “Hello Dolly” knowing damn well my name is Dedee ~roll eyes~. My chin has two extra nodes…they make me cute though so I ain’t mad at them…(heheeee). Since I preach about finding the good in bad, I have to state the great…my temp is NORMAL. That is MAJOR when you have lymphatic Sarcoid; an unstable fever for more than 72 hours requires hospitalization—why—because Sarcs also attacks my digestive system—mainly my Pancreas (yeah, Pissy). So my body will reject anything by mouth…I am starving but have no appetite. Keeping down fluids is a SIN…so I will easily dehydrate if I can’t get my temp down… so it being back to normal is a major BLESSING<<<BOOM!

Now on to the bigger things…checking my mental. STRESS does NOT belong in the life of a Sarcoid patient. Aw, stop saying, “No, Dee! Everyone stresses!” Well, there is good stress, bad stress, and stress that does NOT belong in the life of a Sarcoid patient ~I’m smiling because you just already knew I was gonna write that—predictable me!~ I’m totally stressing about things I can’t control. I have to channel that negative energy into something positive. When I can’t do it on my own, there is nothing like Pissy to kick me in the stomach…and set fire to my upper abs when I’m already down. Really, it feels like my pancreas actually urinates (digestive enzymes/juices) into my body…the burn the burn…the sting the sting (in my Chin Ho’s Hawaii 5-0 voice).

As I douse it out with liquid Carafate and smother it with Omeprazole, the temporary relief gives me time to OD on Sonic ice to stay hydrated—Sonic Ice makes me happy! So, instead of a accepting defeat, nightmare…I mean, Sarcoid, I will claim victory once again—looking in mirror…pouting my lips…sexy girl smile and Southern girl slang, “Youse got dis gull!” …I remember…I am not alone in this…just call me KungFu Dedee…truth will always be… “I HAVE SARCOIDOSIS…SARCOIDOSIS DOES NOT HAVE ME!”

...nightmaremania

I am no longer in Dreamland. My nightmares are now a reality. What do I tell my childs? What do I tell my Mahm? Do I go forward with this divorce? What about me? What about me? What about what I want??? What about what I need??? ~oh, sorry, damn Dreamgirl's song in my head~..."I'm not at home in my own home"...Dee, what the hell are you talking about....I don't feel like writing it...come back later to read it...nosey self :)

Erin's Echo

Monday, January 30, 2012

...a dolphin's dream (from a Dolphin's Cry)

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