every little girl dreams pt2: just when you think you have overcome the odds

Suggestion: Read every little girl dreams before reading part 2

©Erin’s Echo. 2012. All rights reserved.

You would think by now we had beaten the odds. How many times can one couple separate, file for divorce, cancel proceedings, and continue on in love and matrimony?  The matrimony part is easy. The loving part is easier, when you are happy—happy with self and happy when times are good. 

When you are married, you keep on till you reach your breaking point…everyone has a breaking point. They can tolerate this but not that; that is what caused the straw to break the camel’s back.  

How many times do I forgive? What do I forgive? Should I stay? Should I go?That is when I stand in front of the mirror and recite one of my favorite scriptures, Colossians 3:13—

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave YOU, so do YOU also”. ~New World Translation~

Many relate this scripture to their spiritual brothers and sisters; while that is accurate, it can totally be used for marriages—after all, this is the arrangement designed by God. 

Still, we separated again. This separation was different from all the others. The first two separations, my husband left me. I have never left my husband. The third separation was a mutual agreement between the two of us. Separation number one was due to lies, denial, lack of trust, and yes, infidelity. Separation two was due to lack of communication and spousal neglect. Separation three was because of lack of support, ineffective communication, and not valuing the institution of marriage. When you allow other people into your marriage, you weaken the bond joined by man and wife. 

How did we determine if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand!? Simple; it is not complicated at all. I state all the time, we were born with the natural affection to love, hate is symbolic for confusion, and I don’t care is symbolic for I don’t care; but intimate love…loving someone like no other…the feeling of being in love is simple. If you can’t see yourself happy without them; if you cry when you think of the goodness you felt while with them; when you see them, you want to hug them and take away your pain while healing their own…if you know you have not put your best-foot forward, given 100/100, then it is possible to reconcile (this is not always true for every marriage). 

For us, Phil & me, it was simply focusing on why I married him/her; not why we separated. What do we need and want from marriage? The answer, love, intimacy, friendship, support, laughter…happiness—mutual happiness. 

The divorce rate is so high today. In 2010, in the United States alone, there were 2,096,000 marriages and 872,000 divorce/annulments (CDC/NCHS, 2012). Why? In most marriages today, spouses decide not to fight for their marriage; they give up, because they become selfish—self-involved, “[People] will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty…unthankful, disloyal, having no natural [or, familial] affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:2-4, New World Translation).

They feel divorce will make them happy. They see freedom in a world full of single people and they desire it. These are simply temptations. We seek guidance from family, friends, therapists, but not from God. Some of us are being misguided, misled by the desires of the unmarried world. We become selfish in our thinking and move from what “we” need to what “I” need. Mostly, those “needs” are “wants”. Selfish wants that arise from temptations. You see a woman or man…a lifestyle “you” don’t have and “you” want it. You don’t pray and ask to be delivered from temptations. So when an adulterated thought turns to chance, most of us act on it and we learn that the grass is not always greener (be sure to read my essay in my upcoming memoir: When the greener grass turns blue).

In my marriage, and I can speak for both Phil and I when I state this, we have felt unsupported, unloved, un-united, disrespected, & the one I am about to state now is common in marriages today, UNAPPRECIATED! 

These feelings of neglect can lead to unlawful relationships, infidelity, and distrust. You can have an innocent relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but feel guilty so you try to cover and it comes off as “sneaky”…ungodly. 

Is our marriage solid now or is it hollow? My answer, my marriage is my marriage. Besides what I voluntarily share, nothing else is of anyone’s concern and we are not concerned with what anyone else think. It is hard work, but I don’t do easy and I always remember that, “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4: 8-9, New World Translation).

In our home, we keep a family photo/scrapbook. There are like 3 pages dedicated to our marriage, and things we must do to fireproof (envy proof...gossip proof...trick/mutt proof) our marriage. I read these at least once daily. Are we good now? Will we separate again? Possibly divorce? 

I don’t know. I don’t focus on that. I focus on what we must do to avoid separation and divorce. If it comes to that, at least we will know we put our best foot forward and gave 100/100. I hope anyone reading this with doubts on a marriage growing stronger and love fonder, will consider that it is possible to grow and strengthen marriage and love!

Thank you for reading...I love yous!

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Some of my favorite scriptures:

Scriptures to keep in mind about love & marriage:

It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Genesis 2:18

Hence Jehovah God had a deep sleep fall upon the man and, while he was sleeping, he took one of his ribs and then closed up the flesh over its place. And Jehovah God proceeded to build the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman and to bring her to the man. Then the man said: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, Because from man this one was taken.” That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.—Genesis 2:21-24

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”—1 Peter 4:8

“Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from YOU along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave YOU.”—Ephesians 4: 31, 32

Marriage and Commitment

Unselfish Love “In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself,  for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it…” Ephesians 5:28, 29

Building a Foundation “According to the undeserved kindness of God that was given to me, as a wise director of works I laid a foundation, but someone else is building on it. But let each one keep watching how he is building on it.”—1 Corinthians 3:10

Submission “YOU wives, be in subjection to [your] husbands, as it is becoming in [the] Lord. YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.—Colossians 3: 18, 19

Obligation “What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay.”—Ecclesiastes 5: 4, 5

Teamwork “Two are better than one…for if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10

Self-Sacrifice “There is more happiness in giving than there is receiving.”—Acts 20:35

Longevity “Love…endures all things”—1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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