...blessings or temptations

from the Dedee Diaries © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Foreword: The Dedee Diaries entries were written at a time when I was feeling whatever I wrote. I have not edited these entries. My hope is that someone gains understanding of how to deal with sarcoid or any other illness.

 

Day 9…not my God

30 November 2010…blessings or temptations

It hurts me to know that some people are not equipped with the intelligence God gave them to know good from bad.  What you think is good is not always good. You have to know how to decipher these “good things” and see who is really behind them.  “It’s not that easy,” some say. Well, humans are the only creatures God made in His image…we can see colors and enjoy them, we can eat food and taste it, we can smell the scent of the ocean, fresh rain, flowers in bloom…aw, just like God! In His image, He created man. You remember your parents or grandparents yelling, “You ain’t got the sense God gave you”? ~chuckle~…I honestly believe that some parents knocked the sense out of their children, and for that reason, they can’t distinguish a blessing from a temptation.

You receive a GREAT job making  "X"  amount more dollars an hour than before. Your previous job, you worked 40 hours a week…had a very comfortable living…time for God. Your new job has you working 65 hours a week. Now, you no longer have time for God. You can’t do worship, bible study, etc…do you really think God blessed you with a job that removes you from Him?

You have been looking for that SOUL mate…finally, you find him/her. You thank God you waited and did not settle. However, you share two different sets of religious beliefs. You are a firm believer in “marry in the Lord”. You are aware that marriage is hard when it’s a 3-stranded cord, but because you have that unity with God as head, it’s easier. You are married and unhappy now. You no longer have faith in Him and you begin to question Him, instead of yourself. Do you think God would send you that “soul mate" that’s going to cause adversity in the home, removing you from Him?

You just bought a new home. Nothing was wrong with the old one. It was very comfortable, but God blessed you with this home, so be it. Now you can barely get out of bed because you are so depressed about the bills. You are living paycheck to paycheck…bump that, you are one paycheck from foreclosure and homelessness. Do you think God would take you from a comfortable home…comfortable physically, mentally, emotionally, but most importantly, spiritually to see you in debt and depressed and move you away from Him?

People, I thank each of you for your prayers…your thoughts during this illness. I lie not, it’s difficult…I’m only human…but God did not do this to ME! He is the reason I am still sane and accepting the fact that my needing help from my husband and kids is not a weakness nor does it make me less of a woman, but instead shows I am stronger than I ever imagined.

If I die from this illness, it’s not my time (in the presence that God said, “let’s get Dee”)…we are all born into sin…the wage of sin is DEATH…but the God I know, created man from dust and blew into his nostrils the breathe of life. He then created a helper for him and told them to go fulfill the Earth and subdue it!  The God I know loves LIFE…He created all living things…He gave his only BEGOTTEN son so a sinner like me could have everlasting life if I take in knowledge of Him and accept His truths.

My God does not make people sick! He doesn’t make people suffer! He is not the reason for the evil and the inconsistencies in this world…my God, the one who created man and all living things, the one who gave His only BEGOTTEN son for a sinner like me…warned me, to be aware…(Revelation 12:12 paraphrased…I don’t have my bible to quote it exact), “Woe to you  Earth and sea for the devil has been hurled down to you…causing GREAT anger…knowing he has only a short period of time left!”  God does not RULE this world… “…the whole world lies in the power of the evil one” 1 John 5:19(not sure if this is the correct scripture…I know it is John, but I’m thinking 1 John 5:19 ~feel free to correct me~).

Is your God evil?  My God is not evil…My God is GENTLE…forgiving…understanding…He does not lie…He is not partial...He makes it rain upon the righteous and the unrighteous……He feeds the birds…looks after orphans and widows…He makes the wind blow…He gave me a rainbow! My God is a God of justice....a God of LOVE!

God is GENTLE...JUST...& LOVE!

Because of Him, I’m able to battle my illness, resist temptation, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. He did not poison my body with germs…He keeps me humble…and everyday, I become like a child and humble myself before Him and pray for others...for their protection...their strength...their guidance...their comfort...their endurance...their forgiveness...I pray for me...for the strength to forgive...remain humble...be long-suffering, mild & meek...He answers me...my GOD answers me because He loves me unconditionally...and He knows my heart!

Don’t mistake a temptation for a blessing.

I leave end this with one my favorite scriptures, Luke 12:4… "I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more."




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...: I walk not this road alone

from the Dedee Diaries

© 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

November 23, 2010…I am blessed

I am weak. I am weaker than my strength would like to believe and stronger than weakness ever imagined. This will NOT be an easy feat. With every pain, I get a chill. They come harder. More intense. My body is confused because though I cry with every other pain, I smile. It’s reminding me of the times I assisted God in the miracle of birth. At the end of the pain, came something wonderful…unique…something I treasure and love unconditionally.

Soon after, the pains stop….temporarily. I complain not…rather I enjoy that pain-free moment. I reflect on life…past, but mostly present and I remember I am blessed! I know family, friends, and frenemies who are not as fortunate as I. Some have lost limbs…some have lost life. Some have lost the love of their lives and some have never loved nor been loved...they have no support system at all. Their pains are ten times more crucial than my own. A pain-free moment for them is merely a thought. Yet, they keep on and they smile. They support others and try to find a glimpse of “just because” in their life. They are young and considered crippled…yet, they have heart. Everyone knows that heart is the pathway to survival!

I am blessed!! I have my husband, my children, my parents...a loving, devoted mother, my siblings, great friends, family and even my foes are rooting for me to heal ~I mean really, it’s hard to dislike the dead~.  I have my sanity ~okay, that can be challenged~.  Still, I am blessed because I know God.

My husband lost his mother in 1991. Before her death, she had buried her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and yes, even a child. She raised her siblings. When he talks about his mother, a calm overtakes his face and he glows. His eyes glisten. His voice goes deep & low. He tells of how she was the family glue. A loving mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin, friend, and neighbor. She was an advocate for equality and fairness. She would preach to no end, family or stranger, to anyone who mistreated a child/person. He speaks of how exotic she was in her style. Her flare for jewelry and sparkling clothes to match her personality and contagious smile. Most of all, she was godly. She attended her hometown church in a little town called Addyston, Ohio.

Ada Mary Smith Sept 10, 1939 - June 16, 1991

I tell him, his mother was not made of the stuff we are made of! I mean, really…that’s much to endure at such a young age. When I look at her life, I think of how fortunate those are who had the pleasure of meeting her and loving her...someone so heroic. Someone like me, having to endure those hardships, would be in a drug-induced coma to keep the little sanity I would have left. But instead of letting her life drive her, she drove her life…she is a testimony…her name is Ada Mary Smith…a HEROINE.

So when I feel like I cannot take anymore, I look at my husband, whom I call Phil...I look at our daughters...our son...I think of his mother. I think of my ailing friends and instead of asking for relief and healing for myself, I humble myself before God and ask for healing and comfort  for those I know and those I don't know for I am over-positive that I will be okay. After all, my pain ain’t all that bad (compared to others I know). I’ve lost a couple of organs and the sense of hearing; however, I still have the sense of touch…I can feel…I empathize with others and those who love them and whom they love. I have the sense of compassion. I know some of the sick would take my pain over their own without a second thought and rejoice in it…and if I could, I would happily give it to them for there is more pain in watching those I love suffer than it is to suffer myself. 

I pray for those who are weaker than I that they gain strength and find healing, mentally if not physically ~the mental battle is far worse for me~.  I pray that we can develop a bond of encouragement and support, because at the end of the rainbow, we will dance. Sometimes, friendship and understanding are the best medicines. So as our bodies and minds are invaded by uninvited guests, I refuse to curse Mother Nature for her cruel acts--it's not her fault at all. I prefer to thank her for allowing it to be me, for I am strong. Regardless of what Old Master Evil throws upon me...I won't let him have others blame God. God is the reason I live...God is the reason I write. God is the reason I endure. God is the reason I know I am stronger than my weakness would like to believe and weaker than strength ever imagined. It’s a balancing act…it’s my blessing...I know, I walk not this road alone!

Phil giving flowers to his first love; his Mom, Ada M. Smith!