...every little girl dreams: Is my marriage really over?

© 2012. Erin’s Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Every little girl dreams of Prince Charming and a fairytale wedding. Walking down a white-runner aisle laced in rose petals with all eyes upon her...admiring her. Today she marries her friend, but tomorrow and the next tomorrow is when the test of compromise and compassion begin. You are now man and wife. You can kiss the fairytale goodbye. Or do you?

Erin & Phil, 1994

Many may not understand that marriage is an institution...an arrangement designed by God. When you hear the word institution, do you not immediately think insanity, education, ...money? Arrangement...an agreement...organized, well thought out plan...arranged so it is effective. A flower arrangement. Growth.

For better and for worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health. I will honor this arrangement until departed from my spouse by death (physical death, emotional death...physical of course).

~with liberty & justice for all...wait wrong topic...I DO~

Be assured, the worse, poorer, and sickness shall come. Is your foundation solid? Concrete...water? Sand, quicksand...solid? What solidifies a marriage? How do I know if my marriage is really over?   ~raises hand anxiously~

After three (yes 3) separations and  filing for divorce, I was ready to pass out the invites to my Divorce reception; and Phil, well, he was ready to attend. He had the audacity to ask me, "How many people can I invite, Dee?" ~scoffs~ I'm the Bride-to-un-be, you are not stealing my show! ~dang~

Really, I told him we would do everything in reverse order. The DiMarriage would  take place in a funeral home...he picked Montgomery, Alabama for location to be fair to traveling relatives. His family would sit on my side...my family would sit on his side; we would  have funeral songs played, "The Works I've Done"...we would say our eulogies...and my Daddy would hesitate on taking me back because, "I ain't neva gave hurr away!" My Mahm would roll her eyes and say, "I take my baby back!" Daddy would be asking is that gonna cost him any money, "Ain't it cheaper to let him keep hurr?" I would give him the evil , spoil eye. 

Phil sisters would be like, "Heyyyy" and blowing out the unity candles. My sister would be taking notes on how to have a bigger DiMarriage and reception than me. It would be all in the name of love!

Headed out to celebrate 9th Wediversary 2009

However, we never made it! ~kissteeth, roll eyes~

For the second time in our 12 year marriage,  we cancelled divorce proceedings. Now, get this, we have been together 18 years. We married in 2000,but we separated in 2002 for almost 4 years. Yes, we did...we were dating each other and working on self and marriage and we reconciled in late 2005 and relocated to Ohio in 2006. 

It was good...it was so good! We were both so happy. Then along comes sickness. Sickness brought along poorer. Poorer invited worse. Battling depression from losing my Auntee and best friend to death in the span of 6 months sent me to a place...a dark place...a lonely place. I neglected my husband. I was a functional zombie. I yelled, cried, and embraced myself in a fetal position until I found sleep. Eventually, he left. I didn't care. I'm not even sure I noticed. 

We were separated and I had not told him about my health issues. I totally forgot I had his sister listed as a point of contact. Well, my doctor office called his sister looking for me and that is  how Phil found out I had  taken a biopsy and it was inconclusive and they would need to schedule me for a tissue sample biopsy. I decided to keep my plans to visit my family in Alabama for the holidays. It is like 2008 now. When I got there, I told them I was sick and having test ran. My sister, Bonita is the only one who knew I was sick before I told my family.

To make a long story short, I was critically sick  for 2 years. Phil and I reconciled in May 2010 after a 2-year separation. The reconciliation this time, we thought I was dying. In all honesty, the Doctor told him my health was declining at a rapid pace. This was the second time a doctor told him he may lose his wife to death (the first was in 2006). If you do not know what love looks like, the look we gave each other at hearing that news was the look of love! Not sympathy...not regret...but love...true love. 

Stay tuned to part 2 of "every little girl dreams"  to read about yet, another separation and how we determined if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand! 

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...respect a family in mourning (RIP Whitney Houston)

 © 2012. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved.

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Have you ever lost a loved one? Was it difficult to come to terms that you would not see this person at family functions again? To talk with him/her on the phone again? Introduce them to your children? Does it hurt? Do you miss them? 

Just because a person doesn’t live the life we live or want them to live does not make their life less valid. Everyone knows someone, a family member even if not self, who drinks or uses drugs…that does not make them unworthy of love, caring, and protection. We live in a time when the world is cruel and heartless.  Why this blog, Erin?

Before Whitney’s death, my family and I were discussing the birth control situation that President Obama was speaking of making available to all. I will blog on that in the near future; therefore, I won't elaborate on it at this time. I was telling my daughter about Whitney Houston's song written by Babyface and LA…it is called “Miracle”. I was telling her that people may think it is about a love lost or love gone wrong, but it is about abortion. Then I went into how in Bible Study we talked about the Bible and how God had the writers write their faults…their sins to show that He is a forgiving God and He draws to us when we draw to Him. He leaves us not, we leave Him. Still, He loves and cares for ALL of us…He is GOD!

The world has lost a musical legend…her loved ones has lost a wife, daughter, mother, cousin, and friend! 

As I tried to explain to my children the depths of ignorance, I had to break it down in “teenage” speak, yet, still I ask, "how do you break down ignorance to an ignorant person" (I do NOT mean my daughters here at all)? First, they need to listen; secondly comprehend and understand. Most ignorant people are notoriously ignorant…some are just everyday sinners called “gossipers”. 

Economics teach us about producers, consumers, goods, & services...when we go out to dine, be entertained, or just buy music...we buy a good for a service...someone produced it we are the consumers.

Whitney's funeral is private...thank you Cissy Houston and thank you God! We, as her fans and the people who poked fun at her life are not entitled to her farewell. We don’t deserve it. That is family time…personal time…time for those who unconditionally loved her to celebrate her life. They couldn’t care less about her legacy! 

People need to put self in other shoes...I asked my childs..."Think, if it was me would you want folks blaming your daddy? We had 18 years together...shared a love that’s irreplaceable...good and bad...he doesn’t wish death upon me nor I him!! Bobby lovesssss Whitney like no other! Would you want people talking about Erin cursed badly...she took lots of meds?...you know I'm sick and you know what others don't about my illness so they will speculate but that doesn't make it RIGHT! People talk! Would you prefer that people allow you time to mourn...time to grieve...time to celebrate a life they didn't know or continue to damn me and my image upon my death? Would you not prefer they respect the fact that I am a person loved by my family…my mother, my daughters, and they, the people, respect not only death, but the ones left behind to deal with the shock that their loved one’s existence in this life is no more?” 

All we know...WE know is her music...we don't know Whitney...we are NOT grieving her!!! We didn't think about her upon her death...all society cared about was how she died...what happened? If it was not murder, that doesn't matter because the end conclusion remains the same....regardless if it was a tragic accident, an overdose, an illness, natural causes…Whitney Houston...International Icon is dead...her music lives on to her fans...WHITNEY HOUSTON...once wife to Bobby Brown, mother to Bobbi Kristina, stepmother, daughter to Cissy Houston, cousin to Dionne Warwick and many others, and friend upon friends to many is dead...her memories live on but that doesn’t make it easier for her family! 

Whitney Houston 1963-2012

Stop repeating what ignorant people say...it doesn't make you sound intelligent...just more ignorant...so when in doubt....shhhhhhhhhhhh…and give others the respect they rightfully deserve in a time of mourning and ALWAYS!

From my family, we offer sincere condolences to the family and friends of Ms. Whitney Houston! Humbled and heartfelt prayers are with Cissy, Bobbi Kris, and Bobby as this difficult time to deal with is just beginning! 

 Sleep, Whitney, you are now at rest, you hear not what the people say. You are unconscious to bad things and evil words, but you are embraced in love.

 

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….Why should I feel ashamed: My woes set the foundation for my WOWs

2011©Erin’s Echo_Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Here, I sit in front of my computer for 2 hours, trying to find a way to write my thoughts without sounding selfish and ungrateful. It is very rare for me to have trouble gathering my thoughts; and I simply know this is the Holy Spirit. How do I know? About 10 days ago, give or take, I was having some issues with being long-suffering, and mild & meek due to the injustice in our justice system, bias in our governments, and heinous ways of “pseudo” family & friends. These issues caused me to become a victim of misplaced anger & I distorted my priorities. I Iie down on the sofa; my mind is in overdrive, “Do I move?” “Do I just run away?” “What about your books, Dee?!” I closed my eyes tight and bit my lip. I needed to feel pain to know that I was not numb. “I’m so tired!” “No one understands!” I shake my head back and forth, because my heart is telling me to pray, but my mind has been kidnapped by Satan. I text Adrienne with a simple, “I’m so tired, Sis…please pray for me!” Why? I couldn’t pray for myself. When I get this way, I always call or text my front line to assist me with prayer. I am only human, I do get weak. So, I know that I am being visited by the Holy Spirit because though my fingers wanted to type 4-5-8- and 12-letter words, my mind has been released from Satan’s bondage. God is the best negotiator! All I had to do was ask for endurance, humility, forgiveness, but as always and most importantly, the strength to forgive others. 

So, here I am. Tears in eyes. Smile on face. Heart humbled….at peace with my situation and THANKFUL! This I share with you. My wows and my woes because I am wise enough and mature enough to know and understand that my WOES are the reason for my WOWS.

“Some people run at the first sign of stormy weather…some people hold on and work it out together.I believe in you; you believe in me the rainbow ahead may be hard to see; we gotta hang on to this dream don't let go…And there's so many days I wanted just to call it quits …And there's so many times I wondered where in this world that I would fit in…We're just beginning, we can't stop now; we're gonna make it work out somehow. We'll show the world what is here we can't let go!” ~from We Haven’t Finished Yet by Patti Labelle~

My woes set the foundation for my WOWs

Those lyrics totally describe where I am some days. I have endured so much in my life at such a young age. In 1996, at the age of 23, I accepted a job with the Department of Defense-United States Air Force as a Technical Editor. I had left college, with only 10 courses to complete my Bachelor’s degree in English. I was angry at the world. I was heartbroken. I was lost. I worked there for over 10 years before resigning to relocate to Ohio. During those 10 years, I had so many WOES. I was told an illness I had would take me off the roster of Motherhood. I was infertile and would never assist God in the miracle of birth. Now, I never wanted children. I just don’t feel that neither every woman nor every man is meant to be a parent. I was young, goal-oriented, and career-focused. However, it is different when YOU can make that decision versus Mother Nature making it for you. I was torn. Today, I am the proud Mommy of two beautiful daughters, Kennedi (MyADA) and Kerrigan (KBerri).


The same government I worked for could not assist me once I became ill due to the fact my income (which had been reduced by $4000 a month) was not below the poverty line ~you really have to see my face right now~. The state doesn’t help either. Why? Too much income? Are you serious? “Have you ever considered moving to a different area of town?” What you really mean is, “Have I considered leaving the burbs and moving to low-income housing; correct?” She answers with her eyes. “Yes, I thought about it, and immediately slapped myself!” I have worked my entire life so that my children did not have to grow up and live in the inner-city communities. To each his/her own, but my husband grew up in inner-city communities and I grew up in the project community or as we say back home the “hood”. Why, just because my body has been raped by an auto-immune illness, should my kids have to trade their upbringing? I dare you insinuate that is my only option.

I was able to keep my Federal BCBS insurance on a program for 80 months. So, I had medical insurance for my family until January 2010. I became ill in November 2009. I was able to join the healthcare program at work due to open season in January. However, I became so ill, I had to leave my job. With no assistance, I had to pull my kids out of this activity & that activity. I left our home. I made decisions that would help us financially, while not stripping them of the only lifestyle they have ever known. I felt ASHAMED. Ashamed of being sick. Ashamed that I had Sarcoidoisis. Ashamed to ask for help, not financial help only…from family & friends. I have been sick many times over, and I have survived, but Sarcoid was like some new “shit” ~really that’s the only word that popped up in my head~. There are days I can’t get out of bed. There are days I can’t cook for my family. There are days I can’t stand the smell of food. There are days I am in so much pain all I do is cry. There are days I fake the funk and deal so my family will feel normal. I feel like a burden. I feel like an invalid. I feel like half the woman I used to be and I feel like no one cares! People just don ‘t care about things like that anymore. People don’t value the life of others like they did when I was growing up! People don’t care if you DIE.

My daughter and I were at the local Community Action Agency. See, I can’t sit and wait for life to end for me; I have to take a stand. I have learned about the programs to get your own business started. So far, so good. The woman had the funkiest attitude known to mankind. Once again, I don’t meet the guidelines. I lost it. It is not often anyone will see me angry. Mad maybe…even upset, but I rarely get ANGRY…it is such an ugly look on me ~smile~. A Hispanic family was leaving out of the room with a translator all smiles with six kids…YES, I counted. I looked and I felt the fire…the anger. This is what I said to the workers in the CAA paraphrased,

“~scoffs~ I find it funny, ironic even, that a person my age 37 years old has worked all their life. Paid their taxes, donated to charities, volunteered for NPOs, trying to be a good example for their children and help the less fortunate. However, when that person gets ill, those same organizations…same governments, frown on them and label them as “middle class” due to income guidelines. So my government…the one my nephews, nieces, cousins, & friends fight for and die for will aid foreigners before it will aid its own people. Middle class people need help too. I need an ASL interpreter but you need a 72-hour notice, but you hire people who are bi-lingual in Spanish for the Spanish-speaking population. So, America is telling me that unless I am NOT educated, if I don’t have 5 kids and 7 baby daddies, or if I am not a foreigner I cannot receive assistance? WOW. Well, you know, America is a lie. The government is a lie. The justice system is a lie. People who don’t try to change it because “it works” are a lie. ~I’m smiling now~ but I am the truth. This is my truth. I will beat this illness. I will have a NPO that assist “middle class” people who become afflicted with an illness and fall on rough times. I will not make them feel ashamed for being educated, hard workers, and ill. I will let them know there is hope. The next time I come here, I will be bringing you literature to share with those “middle class” people you turn away and you will address me as Dr. Adams-Phillips, because your attitude stinks and you have no compassion! Gracias, Senorita, y que tengan un buen día”.

The people in there were like AMEN. Tell’em; tell’em! I didn’t do it for an audience. I was just literally fed up. I was missing my family and friends. Some people are all about currency! I didn’t grow up like that. That’s not how I was raised. My family ~oh my God they have issues to the tons as do I~ but they would NEVER allow my children to witness some of the things they have had to witness in Ohio. However, it has made them more humble….more appreciative…more loving.

I would like to take this time to thank everyone who has assisted my family…I am not speaking of just monetary assistance. I’m speaking about prayers, well wishes, thoughts of us, making us smile. I want to take this time to thank one group in particular…WHIIMS-Women’s Health Issues In Miami-Valley Sisterhood. I have been allowed to go to their office…cry…complain….express my fears, and I received in return the best counseling ever. I know the first visit I sat there and cried for 10 minutes or more. Being ill with an illness like Sarcoidoisis was new to me. I am so used to being the caretaker…WHIIMS allowed me to take off my superwoman cape…forget about everyone else and think, if only for that moment, about myself! Tina, it’s like she saw right through me. I kept trying to discuss how badly I felt for my husband and children, but she asked, “What are you afraid of Erin?” No one had asked me that! I have been sick since November 2009 and that was the first time someone inquired about my fears. What Tina did for me that day was made me feel valid. She made me feel that I mattered. When I walked out of her office, I was not ASHAMED of having Sarcoidoisis, and I knew THAT DAY I would have a new outlook on my new life. My family and I thank the ladies of WHIIMS from the bottom of our hearts. You are very much appreciated, and I will be an active supporter of your organization for life! God bless you all and the work you do for others.

When people state the power of life and death lie in the tongue, they mean you can say something to a person and make them feel important...capable...loved. We all have a purpose. I’ve always shared my life experiences with my readers. In the introduction of my upcoming release “Weaning My Woes” a poetry book of my life, I state,

“There are people who only like to share the good. They want you to think that they got where they are on a happy ladder. “I let go and I let God!” What did you let go of? You always sung your own praises...in soprano. You would think they were born with a white-gold spoon in their mouth. Everything came easy...that person is not ME… I have grown…Rejoicing in my WOWs...embracing my WHATs...and weaning my WOES!” ~from Weaning My Woes by Erin Adams-Phillips~

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...blessings or temptations

from the Dedee Diaries © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Foreword: The Dedee Diaries entries were written at a time when I was feeling whatever I wrote. I have not edited these entries. My hope is that someone gains understanding of how to deal with sarcoid or any other illness.

 

Day 9…not my God

30 November 2010…blessings or temptations

It hurts me to know that some people are not equipped with the intelligence God gave them to know good from bad.  What you think is good is not always good. You have to know how to decipher these “good things” and see who is really behind them.  “It’s not that easy,” some say. Well, humans are the only creatures God made in His image…we can see colors and enjoy them, we can eat food and taste it, we can smell the scent of the ocean, fresh rain, flowers in bloom…aw, just like God! In His image, He created man. You remember your parents or grandparents yelling, “You ain’t got the sense God gave you”? ~chuckle~…I honestly believe that some parents knocked the sense out of their children, and for that reason, they can’t distinguish a blessing from a temptation.

You receive a GREAT job making  "X"  amount more dollars an hour than before. Your previous job, you worked 40 hours a week…had a very comfortable living…time for God. Your new job has you working 65 hours a week. Now, you no longer have time for God. You can’t do worship, bible study, etc…do you really think God blessed you with a job that removes you from Him?

You have been looking for that SOUL mate…finally, you find him/her. You thank God you waited and did not settle. However, you share two different sets of religious beliefs. You are a firm believer in “marry in the Lord”. You are aware that marriage is hard when it’s a 3-stranded cord, but because you have that unity with God as head, it’s easier. You are married and unhappy now. You no longer have faith in Him and you begin to question Him, instead of yourself. Do you think God would send you that “soul mate" that’s going to cause adversity in the home, removing you from Him?

You just bought a new home. Nothing was wrong with the old one. It was very comfortable, but God blessed you with this home, so be it. Now you can barely get out of bed because you are so depressed about the bills. You are living paycheck to paycheck…bump that, you are one paycheck from foreclosure and homelessness. Do you think God would take you from a comfortable home…comfortable physically, mentally, emotionally, but most importantly, spiritually to see you in debt and depressed and move you away from Him?

People, I thank each of you for your prayers…your thoughts during this illness. I lie not, it’s difficult…I’m only human…but God did not do this to ME! He is the reason I am still sane and accepting the fact that my needing help from my husband and kids is not a weakness nor does it make me less of a woman, but instead shows I am stronger than I ever imagined.

If I die from this illness, it’s not my time (in the presence that God said, “let’s get Dee”)…we are all born into sin…the wage of sin is DEATH…but the God I know, created man from dust and blew into his nostrils the breathe of life. He then created a helper for him and told them to go fulfill the Earth and subdue it!  The God I know loves LIFE…He created all living things…He gave his only BEGOTTEN son so a sinner like me could have everlasting life if I take in knowledge of Him and accept His truths.

My God does not make people sick! He doesn’t make people suffer! He is not the reason for the evil and the inconsistencies in this world…my God, the one who created man and all living things, the one who gave His only BEGOTTEN son for a sinner like me…warned me, to be aware…(Revelation 12:12 paraphrased…I don’t have my bible to quote it exact), “Woe to you  Earth and sea for the devil has been hurled down to you…causing GREAT anger…knowing he has only a short period of time left!”  God does not RULE this world… “…the whole world lies in the power of the evil one” 1 John 5:19(not sure if this is the correct scripture…I know it is John, but I’m thinking 1 John 5:19 ~feel free to correct me~).

Is your God evil?  My God is not evil…My God is GENTLE…forgiving…understanding…He does not lie…He is not partial...He makes it rain upon the righteous and the unrighteous……He feeds the birds…looks after orphans and widows…He makes the wind blow…He gave me a rainbow! My God is a God of justice....a God of LOVE!

God is GENTLE...JUST...& LOVE!

Because of Him, I’m able to battle my illness, resist temptation, and still manage to be a wife and a mother. He did not poison my body with germs…He keeps me humble…and everyday, I become like a child and humble myself before Him and pray for others...for their protection...their strength...their guidance...their comfort...their endurance...their forgiveness...I pray for me...for the strength to forgive...remain humble...be long-suffering, mild & meek...He answers me...my GOD answers me because He loves me unconditionally...and He knows my heart!

Don’t mistake a temptation for a blessing.

I leave end this with one my favorite scriptures, Luke 12:4… "I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more."




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...: I walk not this road alone

from the Dedee Diaries

© 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

November 23, 2010…I am blessed

I am weak. I am weaker than my strength would like to believe and stronger than weakness ever imagined. This will NOT be an easy feat. With every pain, I get a chill. They come harder. More intense. My body is confused because though I cry with every other pain, I smile. It’s reminding me of the times I assisted God in the miracle of birth. At the end of the pain, came something wonderful…unique…something I treasure and love unconditionally.

Soon after, the pains stop….temporarily. I complain not…rather I enjoy that pain-free moment. I reflect on life…past, but mostly present and I remember I am blessed! I know family, friends, and frenemies who are not as fortunate as I. Some have lost limbs…some have lost life. Some have lost the love of their lives and some have never loved nor been loved...they have no support system at all. Their pains are ten times more crucial than my own. A pain-free moment for them is merely a thought. Yet, they keep on and they smile. They support others and try to find a glimpse of “just because” in their life. They are young and considered crippled…yet, they have heart. Everyone knows that heart is the pathway to survival!

I am blessed!! I have my husband, my children, my parents...a loving, devoted mother, my siblings, great friends, family and even my foes are rooting for me to heal ~I mean really, it’s hard to dislike the dead~.  I have my sanity ~okay, that can be challenged~.  Still, I am blessed because I know God.

My husband lost his mother in 1991. Before her death, she had buried her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and yes, even a child. She raised her siblings. When he talks about his mother, a calm overtakes his face and he glows. His eyes glisten. His voice goes deep & low. He tells of how she was the family glue. A loving mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin, friend, and neighbor. She was an advocate for equality and fairness. She would preach to no end, family or stranger, to anyone who mistreated a child/person. He speaks of how exotic she was in her style. Her flare for jewelry and sparkling clothes to match her personality and contagious smile. Most of all, she was godly. She attended her hometown church in a little town called Addyston, Ohio.

Ada Mary Smith Sept 10, 1939 - June 16, 1991

I tell him, his mother was not made of the stuff we are made of! I mean, really…that’s much to endure at such a young age. When I look at her life, I think of how fortunate those are who had the pleasure of meeting her and loving her...someone so heroic. Someone like me, having to endure those hardships, would be in a drug-induced coma to keep the little sanity I would have left. But instead of letting her life drive her, she drove her life…she is a testimony…her name is Ada Mary Smith…a HEROINE.

So when I feel like I cannot take anymore, I look at my husband, whom I call Phil...I look at our daughters...our son...I think of his mother. I think of my ailing friends and instead of asking for relief and healing for myself, I humble myself before God and ask for healing and comfort  for those I know and those I don't know for I am over-positive that I will be okay. After all, my pain ain’t all that bad (compared to others I know). I’ve lost a couple of organs and the sense of hearing; however, I still have the sense of touch…I can feel…I empathize with others and those who love them and whom they love. I have the sense of compassion. I know some of the sick would take my pain over their own without a second thought and rejoice in it…and if I could, I would happily give it to them for there is more pain in watching those I love suffer than it is to suffer myself. 

I pray for those who are weaker than I that they gain strength and find healing, mentally if not physically ~the mental battle is far worse for me~.  I pray that we can develop a bond of encouragement and support, because at the end of the rainbow, we will dance. Sometimes, friendship and understanding are the best medicines. So as our bodies and minds are invaded by uninvited guests, I refuse to curse Mother Nature for her cruel acts--it's not her fault at all. I prefer to thank her for allowing it to be me, for I am strong. Regardless of what Old Master Evil throws upon me...I won't let him have others blame God. God is the reason I live...God is the reason I write. God is the reason I endure. God is the reason I know I am stronger than my weakness would like to believe and weaker than strength ever imagined. It’s a balancing act…it’s my blessing...I know, I walk not this road alone!

Phil giving flowers to his first love; his Mom, Ada M. Smith!  

...I just wanna say THANK YOU

Time heals all wounds they say…I don’t have a wound—just a big hole in my heart. What people do not understand is that we are all born into sin…the wage of sin is death. We will all die. God is the giver of life. He created life. He blew into Adam’s nostril, the breathe of life. Our God is not, shall not, and cannot be associated with EVIL. He is gentle. He is loyal. He is just. He is LOVE.

He gave us a warning, “Therefore, rejoice, O heavens! And you who live in the heavens, rejoice! But terror will come on the earth and the sea, for the devil has come down to you in great anger, knowing that he has little time”—Revelation 12:12

Keith D. Johnson 30 Aug 1972 - 7 Mar 1998

I know death is inevitable. I’m not afraid of death. I am not afraid of dying. I hurt so badly because to me, my line of thinking, you did not die. Your life was taken by someone’s hand. You were terminated by the daughter of mankind—a sinner like me—someone who defined lust and envy as love.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” 1 Corinthians 13:4. Love does not HURT…love HEALS.

I have learned to cope. I cope. I cry, but I cope; still, one day in March and one day in August…I hurt. I feel anger. I feel cheated. Why were we given this life sentence? What was our crime? What makes people have that attitude, “If I cannot have you no one will”? How selfish can people be? How can you cause people that much pain?

I don’t want to hurt. I try to tell myself every year, “Dee, you better than this!” I’ve prayed….I’ve prayed. So many pictures of you in my house—stained with tears. I want to get over this. I can’t even go to Auntee’s house without getting chills. I wonder does that IT know how much she has punished me.

God, I love Auntee like crazy, but when I see her…I see you. I can hardly stand to look at Cobe, Duke, & Darrell. I have damn near secluded myself from your family. I have written you a poem every year.  I hate going home…you are not there. I don’t know , well I do know, I guess I just can’t do it because I am allowing my HATE for IT to win over my love for God. I know that is the only thing…HE is the only way, I will move on from this.

I was telling Phil (oh, I’m sorry Wight) about how you kicked me under the table at O’Charley’s. You and Don had come to go to the R. Kelly concert. You kicked me and asked me a question in our whisper lip talk. I had him laughing. I was able to tell you what I told you, because I knew you wouldn’t judge me!

Wondering if you would have gray hair…a pot belly…still dancing SMOOVE…the Bankhead bounce…you said, “I don’t know if she’s doing the Bankhead bounce or having a seizure”!  LOL

You, my dear, are priceless. I think of you in everything I do. I love you more than my mouth can speak…more than my hands can type! So many memories…so many secrets…so much love. I miss you. I thank you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPU3V2c-u3U