every little girl dreams pt2: just when you think you have overcome the odds

Suggestion: Read every little girl dreams before reading part 2

©Erin’s Echo. 2012. All rights reserved.

You would think by now we had beaten the odds. How many times can one couple separate, file for divorce, cancel proceedings, and continue on in love and matrimony?  The matrimony part is easy. The loving part is easier, when you are happy—happy with self and happy when times are good. 

When you are married, you keep on till you reach your breaking point…everyone has a breaking point. They can tolerate this but not that; that is what caused the straw to break the camel’s back.  

How many times do I forgive? What do I forgive? Should I stay? Should I go?That is when I stand in front of the mirror and recite one of my favorite scriptures, Colossians 3:13—

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave YOU, so do YOU also”. ~New World Translation~

Many relate this scripture to their spiritual brothers and sisters; while that is accurate, it can totally be used for marriages—after all, this is the arrangement designed by God. 

Still, we separated again. This separation was different from all the others. The first two separations, my husband left me. I have never left my husband. The third separation was a mutual agreement between the two of us. Separation number one was due to lies, denial, lack of trust, and yes, infidelity. Separation two was due to lack of communication and spousal neglect. Separation three was because of lack of support, ineffective communication, and not valuing the institution of marriage. When you allow other people into your marriage, you weaken the bond joined by man and wife. 

How did we determine if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand!? Simple; it is not complicated at all. I state all the time, we were born with the natural affection to love, hate is symbolic for confusion, and I don’t care is symbolic for I don’t care; but intimate love…loving someone like no other…the feeling of being in love is simple. If you can’t see yourself happy without them; if you cry when you think of the goodness you felt while with them; when you see them, you want to hug them and take away your pain while healing their own…if you know you have not put your best-foot forward, given 100/100, then it is possible to reconcile (this is not always true for every marriage). 

For us, Phil & me, it was simply focusing on why I married him/her; not why we separated. What do we need and want from marriage? The answer, love, intimacy, friendship, support, laughter…happiness—mutual happiness. 

The divorce rate is so high today. In 2010, in the United States alone, there were 2,096,000 marriages and 872,000 divorce/annulments (CDC/NCHS, 2012). Why? In most marriages today, spouses decide not to fight for their marriage; they give up, because they become selfish—self-involved, “[People] will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty…unthankful, disloyal, having no natural [or, familial] affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:2-4, New World Translation).

They feel divorce will make them happy. They see freedom in a world full of single people and they desire it. These are simply temptations. We seek guidance from family, friends, therapists, but not from God. Some of us are being misguided, misled by the desires of the unmarried world. We become selfish in our thinking and move from what “we” need to what “I” need. Mostly, those “needs” are “wants”. Selfish wants that arise from temptations. You see a woman or man…a lifestyle “you” don’t have and “you” want it. You don’t pray and ask to be delivered from temptations. So when an adulterated thought turns to chance, most of us act on it and we learn that the grass is not always greener (be sure to read my essay in my upcoming memoir: When the greener grass turns blue).

In my marriage, and I can speak for both Phil and I when I state this, we have felt unsupported, unloved, un-united, disrespected, & the one I am about to state now is common in marriages today, UNAPPRECIATED! 

These feelings of neglect can lead to unlawful relationships, infidelity, and distrust. You can have an innocent relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but feel guilty so you try to cover and it comes off as “sneaky”…ungodly. 

Is our marriage solid now or is it hollow? My answer, my marriage is my marriage. Besides what I voluntarily share, nothing else is of anyone’s concern and we are not concerned with what anyone else think. It is hard work, but I don’t do easy and I always remember that, “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4: 8-9, New World Translation).

In our home, we keep a family photo/scrapbook. There are like 3 pages dedicated to our marriage, and things we must do to fireproof (envy proof...gossip proof...trick/mutt proof) our marriage. I read these at least once daily. Are we good now? Will we separate again? Possibly divorce? 

I don’t know. I don’t focus on that. I focus on what we must do to avoid separation and divorce. If it comes to that, at least we will know we put our best foot forward and gave 100/100. I hope anyone reading this with doubts on a marriage growing stronger and love fonder, will consider that it is possible to grow and strengthen marriage and love!

Thank you for reading...I love yous!

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Some of my favorite scriptures:

Scriptures to keep in mind about love & marriage:

It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Genesis 2:18

Hence Jehovah God had a deep sleep fall upon the man and, while he was sleeping, he took one of his ribs and then closed up the flesh over its place. And Jehovah God proceeded to build the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman and to bring her to the man. Then the man said: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, Because from man this one was taken.” That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.—Genesis 2:21-24

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”—1 Peter 4:8

“Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from YOU along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave YOU.”—Ephesians 4: 31, 32

Marriage and Commitment

Unselfish Love “In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself,  for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it…” Ephesians 5:28, 29

Building a Foundation “According to the undeserved kindness of God that was given to me, as a wise director of works I laid a foundation, but someone else is building on it. But let each one keep watching how he is building on it.”—1 Corinthians 3:10

Submission “YOU wives, be in subjection to [your] husbands, as it is becoming in [the] Lord. YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.—Colossians 3: 18, 19

Obligation “What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay.”—Ecclesiastes 5: 4, 5

Teamwork “Two are better than one…for if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10

Self-Sacrifice “There is more happiness in giving than there is receiving.”—Acts 20:35

Longevity “Love…endures all things”—1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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...every little girl dreams: Is my marriage really over?

© 2012. Erin’s Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Every little girl dreams of Prince Charming and a fairytale wedding. Walking down a white-runner aisle laced in rose petals with all eyes upon her...admiring her. Today she marries her friend, but tomorrow and the next tomorrow is when the test of compromise and compassion begin. You are now man and wife. You can kiss the fairytale goodbye. Or do you?

Erin & Phil, 1994

Many may not understand that marriage is an institution...an arrangement designed by God. When you hear the word institution, do you not immediately think insanity, education, ...money? Arrangement...an agreement...organized, well thought out plan...arranged so it is effective. A flower arrangement. Growth.

For better and for worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health. I will honor this arrangement until departed from my spouse by death (physical death, emotional death...physical of course).

~with liberty & justice for all...wait wrong topic...I DO~

Be assured, the worse, poorer, and sickness shall come. Is your foundation solid? Concrete...water? Sand, quicksand...solid? What solidifies a marriage? How do I know if my marriage is really over?   ~raises hand anxiously~

After three (yes 3) separations and  filing for divorce, I was ready to pass out the invites to my Divorce reception; and Phil, well, he was ready to attend. He had the audacity to ask me, "How many people can I invite, Dee?" ~scoffs~ I'm the Bride-to-un-be, you are not stealing my show! ~dang~

Really, I told him we would do everything in reverse order. The DiMarriage would  take place in a funeral home...he picked Montgomery, Alabama for location to be fair to traveling relatives. His family would sit on my side...my family would sit on his side; we would  have funeral songs played, "The Works I've Done"...we would say our eulogies...and my Daddy would hesitate on taking me back because, "I ain't neva gave hurr away!" My Mahm would roll her eyes and say, "I take my baby back!" Daddy would be asking is that gonna cost him any money, "Ain't it cheaper to let him keep hurr?" I would give him the evil , spoil eye. 

Phil sisters would be like, "Heyyyy" and blowing out the unity candles. My sister would be taking notes on how to have a bigger DiMarriage and reception than me. It would be all in the name of love!

Headed out to celebrate 9th Wediversary 2009

However, we never made it! ~kissteeth, roll eyes~

For the second time in our 12 year marriage,  we cancelled divorce proceedings. Now, get this, we have been together 18 years. We married in 2000,but we separated in 2002 for almost 4 years. Yes, we did...we were dating each other and working on self and marriage and we reconciled in late 2005 and relocated to Ohio in 2006. 

It was good...it was so good! We were both so happy. Then along comes sickness. Sickness brought along poorer. Poorer invited worse. Battling depression from losing my Auntee and best friend to death in the span of 6 months sent me to a place...a dark place...a lonely place. I neglected my husband. I was a functional zombie. I yelled, cried, and embraced myself in a fetal position until I found sleep. Eventually, he left. I didn't care. I'm not even sure I noticed. 

We were separated and I had not told him about my health issues. I totally forgot I had his sister listed as a point of contact. Well, my doctor office called his sister looking for me and that is  how Phil found out I had  taken a biopsy and it was inconclusive and they would need to schedule me for a tissue sample biopsy. I decided to keep my plans to visit my family in Alabama for the holidays. It is like 2008 now. When I got there, I told them I was sick and having test ran. My sister, Bonita is the only one who knew I was sick before I told my family.

To make a long story short, I was critically sick  for 2 years. Phil and I reconciled in May 2010 after a 2-year separation. The reconciliation this time, we thought I was dying. In all honesty, the Doctor told him my health was declining at a rapid pace. This was the second time a doctor told him he may lose his wife to death (the first was in 2006). If you do not know what love looks like, the look we gave each other at hearing that news was the look of love! Not sympathy...not regret...but love...true love. 

Stay tuned to part 2 of "every little girl dreams"  to read about yet, another separation and how we determined if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand! 

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...suicidal dreams

You do not understand even life. How can you understand death? ~Confucius~

Life is not easy. We were born into sin and the Bible tells us about the hardships that would be placed before us and reveals to us the signs of life’s difficulties in our era. Deuteronomy 28:59 warns about the plagues of life and how they would be “long-lasting plagues and malignant and long-lasting sicknesses”…verse 66 adds “And you will certainly be in the greatest peril for your life…you will not be sure of your life.”

There are certain subjects people avoid due to conflicted self-ethics and personal beliefs. Deliberate avoidance of such topics makes coping with life’s difficulties more stressful for some people who already struggle with day-to-day hardships. Those topics are—death and suicide—suicide and death. I tell you today, or as many times as you read this passage, two truths: (1) suicidal dreams are reality for some and (2) death is inevitable for all.

I dream of dying…death by one’s own hand...tangled in a world of love and lies…I just can’t understand why this pattern keeps cycling in my life…lying to my mind to make believe…fictitious smile plastered to deceive…everyone but self…I dream of dying…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

If you randomly selected 5 groups that consisted of 10 people, 1 out of 10 in that group will have dreamt, if not attempted suicide.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP, 2011) states, “More than 36,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year”. This number solidifies suicide as the 10^th cause of death annually in America. What could be so bad that one would want to take their own life? Circumstances differ.  Different people react differently to life events—illnesses, death of loved ones, abusive domestic relationships, divorces, termination from their job, financial decline, trials of parenthood, peer-pressure, and drugs (just to name a few) are some reasons people feel life is no longer worth living…they feel worthless and they feel the people they love would be better off with their demise. Therefore, they chose to terminate their lifely existence.

Some people cannot handle grief…some cannot handle suffering…some cannot handle a broken heart. AFSP (2011) warns, “The factors that contribute to any particular suicide are diverse and complex, so our efforts to understand it must incorporate many approaches. The clinical, neurobiological, legal and psychosocial aspects of suicide are some of the major lines of inquiry into suicide -- here, we present some information from each of these perspectives”. (Read more on perspectives, warnings, and statistics.)

When a person reaches out to you about harming oneself, your job is to listen, help them seek help or in the case of dire emergencies seek emergency help for them immediately, and to sympathize; not to understand…not to judge… not to pity…not to criticize…not to assume they just want attention…this is a cry…a plea for HELP!

I dream of dying and hearing Brahms’s lullaby…no more worries…no more sorrows…no more todays…no more tomorrows…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la….dream a little dream of me~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

Oftentimes, onlookers or family of a person that committed suicide will think the person acted in a cowardly fashion by taking their life. The majority of society would agree; however, I ask, if it takes a coward to kill self, who does a brave person kill? Neither cowardice nor bravery is associated with suicide. It is lack of self and emotional connection most times coupled with mental disorder(s), such as depression…for some, even the lack of a personal relationship with God or a higher, Supreme Being is a factor in suicidal tendencies. Personally, to me, it is selfish, because suicide not only kills self, the shocking performance of self-murder leaves the minds of loved ones boggled with self-blame while their hearts are  wounded and filled with feelings of neglect and betrayal. Survivors of suicide are often angry and depressed; it is hard to accept that a loved one took their own life. Sadly, research shows that children who have parents who commit suicide are more prone to death by one’s own hand. 

As an avid reader, one of my favorite authors is William Shakespeare. Some may find it bizarre that a writer of non-literary fiction and poems would admire such a literary author of masterpiece tragedies. I, on the other hand, find it ironic. Most of my writings are about events in my life—good or bad—and how those events shape my very being. I term it—my WHO I AM. Shakespeare’s tragedies involve events of successfully planned murder and suicide in Romeo & Juliet to attempts of suicide in his notorious King Lear. Exactly what is my point? Shakespeare can be comprehended as applauding those people who cannot handle grief…who cannot handle suffering…who cannot handle a broken heart…people who end oneself by death; I am not applauding suicide nor attempts of suicide—I am merely stating a reality that is the cause of 36,000 deaths annually in the United States alone! 

As a person who has contemplated and attempted this act, I have the right to WRITE about it and TALK about it from personal experience. I am not brave…I am not a coward…I am a human who at one point could not cope with my own life’s tragedy and I had suicidal dreams.

No more killing the people I love…no more sickness…no more pain…no more expectations…no rainbows after the rain…only a hole left in the hearts of those I say I loved but feared…I pray they are comforted by God’s tears as He waters my final resting place...because I dreamed a little dream of me…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la…I dreamed of a little dream of me ~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

For more information on suicide help please contact:

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889
Deaf Hotline

For suicide information by state please visit the following link:

http://suicidehotlines.com/

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