every little girl dreams pt2: just when you think you have overcome the odds

Suggestion: Read every little girl dreams before reading part 2

©Erin’s Echo. 2012. All rights reserved.

You would think by now we had beaten the odds. How many times can one couple separate, file for divorce, cancel proceedings, and continue on in love and matrimony?  The matrimony part is easy. The loving part is easier, when you are happy—happy with self and happy when times are good. 

When you are married, you keep on till you reach your breaking point…everyone has a breaking point. They can tolerate this but not that; that is what caused the straw to break the camel’s back.  

How many times do I forgive? What do I forgive? Should I stay? Should I go?That is when I stand in front of the mirror and recite one of my favorite scriptures, Colossians 3:13—

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave YOU, so do YOU also”. ~New World Translation~

Many relate this scripture to their spiritual brothers and sisters; while that is accurate, it can totally be used for marriages—after all, this is the arrangement designed by God. 

Still, we separated again. This separation was different from all the others. The first two separations, my husband left me. I have never left my husband. The third separation was a mutual agreement between the two of us. Separation number one was due to lies, denial, lack of trust, and yes, infidelity. Separation two was due to lack of communication and spousal neglect. Separation three was because of lack of support, ineffective communication, and not valuing the institution of marriage. When you allow other people into your marriage, you weaken the bond joined by man and wife. 

How did we determine if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand!? Simple; it is not complicated at all. I state all the time, we were born with the natural affection to love, hate is symbolic for confusion, and I don’t care is symbolic for I don’t care; but intimate love…loving someone like no other…the feeling of being in love is simple. If you can’t see yourself happy without them; if you cry when you think of the goodness you felt while with them; when you see them, you want to hug them and take away your pain while healing their own…if you know you have not put your best-foot forward, given 100/100, then it is possible to reconcile (this is not always true for every marriage). 

For us, Phil & me, it was simply focusing on why I married him/her; not why we separated. What do we need and want from marriage? The answer, love, intimacy, friendship, support, laughter…happiness—mutual happiness. 

The divorce rate is so high today. In 2010, in the United States alone, there were 2,096,000 marriages and 872,000 divorce/annulments (CDC/NCHS, 2012). Why? In most marriages today, spouses decide not to fight for their marriage; they give up, because they become selfish—self-involved, “[People] will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty…unthankful, disloyal, having no natural [or, familial] affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:2-4, New World Translation).

They feel divorce will make them happy. They see freedom in a world full of single people and they desire it. These are simply temptations. We seek guidance from family, friends, therapists, but not from God. Some of us are being misguided, misled by the desires of the unmarried world. We become selfish in our thinking and move from what “we” need to what “I” need. Mostly, those “needs” are “wants”. Selfish wants that arise from temptations. You see a woman or man…a lifestyle “you” don’t have and “you” want it. You don’t pray and ask to be delivered from temptations. So when an adulterated thought turns to chance, most of us act on it and we learn that the grass is not always greener (be sure to read my essay in my upcoming memoir: When the greener grass turns blue).

In my marriage, and I can speak for both Phil and I when I state this, we have felt unsupported, unloved, un-united, disrespected, & the one I am about to state now is common in marriages today, UNAPPRECIATED! 

These feelings of neglect can lead to unlawful relationships, infidelity, and distrust. You can have an innocent relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but feel guilty so you try to cover and it comes off as “sneaky”…ungodly. 

Is our marriage solid now or is it hollow? My answer, my marriage is my marriage. Besides what I voluntarily share, nothing else is of anyone’s concern and we are not concerned with what anyone else think. It is hard work, but I don’t do easy and I always remember that, “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4: 8-9, New World Translation).

In our home, we keep a family photo/scrapbook. There are like 3 pages dedicated to our marriage, and things we must do to fireproof (envy proof...gossip proof...trick/mutt proof) our marriage. I read these at least once daily. Are we good now? Will we separate again? Possibly divorce? 

I don’t know. I don’t focus on that. I focus on what we must do to avoid separation and divorce. If it comes to that, at least we will know we put our best foot forward and gave 100/100. I hope anyone reading this with doubts on a marriage growing stronger and love fonder, will consider that it is possible to grow and strengthen marriage and love!

Thank you for reading...I love yous!

Connect With ERIN:

Follow @ErinsEcho

Tweet

Erin’s Echo Facebook

Some of my favorite scriptures:

Scriptures to keep in mind about love & marriage:

It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Genesis 2:18

Hence Jehovah God had a deep sleep fall upon the man and, while he was sleeping, he took one of his ribs and then closed up the flesh over its place. And Jehovah God proceeded to build the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman and to bring her to the man. Then the man said: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, Because from man this one was taken.” That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.—Genesis 2:21-24

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”—1 Peter 4:8

“Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from YOU along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave YOU.”—Ephesians 4: 31, 32

Marriage and Commitment

Unselfish Love “In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself,  for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it…” Ephesians 5:28, 29

Building a Foundation “According to the undeserved kindness of God that was given to me, as a wise director of works I laid a foundation, but someone else is building on it. But let each one keep watching how he is building on it.”—1 Corinthians 3:10

Submission “YOU wives, be in subjection to [your] husbands, as it is becoming in [the] Lord. YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.—Colossians 3: 18, 19

Obligation “What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay.”—Ecclesiastes 5: 4, 5

Teamwork “Two are better than one…for if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10

Self-Sacrifice “There is more happiness in giving than there is receiving.”—Acts 20:35

Longevity “Love…endures all things”—1 Corinthians 13:4-7

-

...bridging the connection: love, hurt, peace

© 2012. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved. 

Relationships (professional, friend, intimate) begin for a reason and end for a reason. In those times, we may "connect" with others through that mutual friend. So, what happens when the lead relationship ends? If you are married and decide to end your marriage, do you divorce your mutual friends? No, you do not! The only people that can ever come between relationships are the people "directly" involved. No one else holds that power. If and when you give it up to someone else, you are not only just “hurt” you turn self into a victim by allowing suffering into your life. 

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – M. Kathleen Casey

We hurt…we cause hurt…we heal…we help others heal. We have to stop making excuses for ourselves and others and realize that things happen in life; therefore, it is imperative to find the good in bad and the happy in sad. No one can do that for you, but you. We cheat ourselves when we say, “I’m never going to…” whatever the circumstance may be. We cheat ourselves when we make ourselves feel shame and regret, when we should be viewing things as life experiences. We cheat ourselves when we put up defense mechanisms to protect our heart, body, and mind. We cheat ourselves when we say we forgive, but don’t forget. If you don’t forget, how can you forgive? We cheat ourselves when we enact revenge. It is okay to be hurt…again, pain is inevitable; so we only inflict more hurt on self when we seek revenge.

I know love & I know hurt, but, too, I know peace of mind!

I have never felt a pain as intense as a broken heart; however, just the same, I have never witnessed anyone die from a broken heart. A broken heart beats the same as an unbroken heart. The difference is the unbroken heart has never loved intimately, so the broken heart beats to wiser rhythm. 

In our personal lives and our professional lives, we write our own character resume. I’m so imperfect. I know that is hard to believe, but, really I am ~smile~. Yet the one thing I had ~notice the past tense there~ always been able to be proud of is, I never let another person’s actions dictate my own.  I never allowed hurt to guide me…people say love is blind…that is a myth; love sees perfectly clear…20/20 vision, but hurt is blind. Hurt invites in his/her unwanted and unneeded friends: misery, blame, anger, and revenge.  

“It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.” – George B. Shaw

So, when we are hurt what should we do? We should let the happiness end. Remember the good times by finding the good in bad…the happy in the sad. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, but refuse to act on it in a negative manner.  If a person has wronged you, thank them for showing you who they truly are and embrace the beginning of peace. Sure, love is the greatest of all things, it is a unique feeling of the uninterrupted self, but who wants a love that interrupts peace of mind, heart, and soul!? Not I, and I am sure not you!

 

Connect With ERIN:

Follow @ErinsEcho

Tweet

Erin’s Echo Facebook

...lost in love

©2012. Erin’s Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved. 

I am humbled. I thank God for emotions…being able to feel not being numb...embrace them all—good, bad, happy, sad, anger, hurt…these emotions help me to appreciate when something GREAT happens to me. 

As human beings, we are created in the likeness of God and God is love. So, if I ever feel I am acquainted with someone who feels they cannot love or they do not love, I will quickly dismiss them from my life. 

Blessed! Humbled! Love!

If you cannot love or feel you cannot be loved, you are not human, and I stopped playing with aliens when I was two years of age. Any person who misuses love or abuses love does not belong on the roster of people I communicate with within my circle because I am LOVE. 

I lost myself once in life…for over an entire decade! Then I found myself and became lost in love with the who I am. Eronically, what I have learned is that me falling in love with myself made me a non-participating threat for those who vowed to love me. 

Once you know who you are, the days of wicked intimidation and false security of others are exempt from your life. 

I am lost in love…if loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be RIGHT!

  

CONNECT WITH ERIN:

Follow @ErinsEcho

Tweet

https://www.facebook.com/erinsecho

...I had a revelation

This week, I will share with you, my readers, some personal & intimate occurrences that has happened during my illness. This first account was written ONE YEAR after becoming ill. I share these with you for two reasons & two reasons only: (1) I need to re-read them in order to thief my strength back from the devil who stole it and (2) I want others to see me for the WHO I AM. I'm not always Wonder-woman...I do get weak...I do get discouraged...and YES, I even get tired and cry. However, I still have to keep a sense of humor...be positive...encouraging....inspiring. I am the type of person that will find GOOD in what others deem as BAD. In the words of Kennedi "MyADA" Phillips, "When life throws you a lemon, squeeze it into a jar of sweet tea and thank God you are a Southern Belle!" Tea anyone?

from the Dedee Diaries. © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Day one: Operation taking my life back!

November 22, 2010…I had a revelation

As my meds coerce me into conversing with the dead, I had a revelation. I could succumb to these illnesses or I could fight back! As I watched my husband silently sleeping, I closed my eyes and I talked with God. No need to lie to Him, He already knows. My conversation with Him is private; I care not to reveal my cries to Him. He’s that special…He keeps my secrets, my woes, my fears.

I decided to check on my girls. I had to laugh because Kennedi, Kerrigan, and Ras were all in KerriBerri’s room. Ras did his normal growl thinking I was going to remove him, but I just said, “Hush Ras!” He went back to his “guard dog” position (not knowing his just a Maltese). I went back into my room, Ras growled had awaken Phil. I smiled trying not to let him know I was in pain. See, just nano hours before, I made an unconscious (yet very aware) decision to stop taking medications. Come on, I have 25 prescribed meds! I am still sick everyday! Why do I keep poisoning my body with this crap and I still feel like death is 2 seconds away! If death is my fate, I want to enjoy what days I have left with my family! I refuse to be a Zombie any longer!

As I lie next to him, he cradles me. His warmth reassures me I have made the right decision. He kisses my cheek and I feel him softly snoring. I cry! I channel surf…Disappeared is on ID. I ache. Badly. I lick my lips to try to avoid medicating. I’m angry! My anger wins over my addiction to the pain meds and sleep finds me. I cannot feel my shivers, but Phil awakes me and asks what’s wrong? I realize I am having chills and tell him my usual, “I’m okay!”

I open the window closest to me and go into my medicine pal. I turn on the bathroom fan so he doesn’t hear me. I find my talking thermometer ~I can’t hear the others beep~ and take my temp…103. 4. My first mind is to shower in Luke warm water, but I don’t want to wake him. I run the basin full of Luke warm water, rub my body down like Mahm used to do when I was little…pop two Motrin and rinse them down with tap water…in the dark, I searched for one of his 100% cotton tees ~allowing my body to breathe~…and rejoined him. He stirs and asks, “What’s wrong?” I reply, “Fever!” 

Restless, I try to lie still to let him get his rest. Sleep finds me once again. I awake to him smiling, getting ready for work. I’m looking around. My girls are gone off to school. He ensured they let me sleep in…I wonder what their hair look like ~lol~…did Kerri get her glasses…did they eat breakfast? But I smile and trust him…he is their father…their protector.  We make small talk…trying to avoid the, “Are you in pain banter?” Cause if he asks, I am going to lie and say, “No!” So to keep from being dishonest, I avoid the conversation.

My mind is so far gone I don’t hear him telling me good-bye! He yells, “Dee!” Startled I yell, “WHAT?!” He said, “I said Bye, Babe!” Embarrassed, I smiled and said, “Bye, Phil…love u!” Between texts from my Bestie for support and laughs…I prepare him chili. He loves my chili! I do what my body allows tidying up the house…a little laundry. Making list of to do’s:

Text DJ to ensure he registers

Sign the girls up for new classes

Email my professor

Write family gathering letter

Text Bettye

Email T-shirt distributor

Make doctor appointments for girls

Contact Time Warner and be nice until they fix your shit ~roll eyes~

A pain hits…I brace myself and groan. I take a moment to sit and reflect while Ras is out back doing his doggy business. I thought of my Mahm…how strong she is…my aunties, Ruth, Jessie, Mildren, and Lorraine…how strong they are/were…the illnesses they battled… how you would never know Aunt Mildren was sick because she was too busy smiling and talking! Aunt Jessie could have a pain in your presence, you could see the tears in her eyes, but she would just grunt and smile. Aunt Ruth, the only way I can ever tell she is sick, is her voice goes very soft ~Mahm says I’m like that…get sick and can’t talk LOL~…the last time I was home, Aunt Rene had just had surgery…and that woman was standing and smiling and greeting visitors…my Mahm…”I’m just tired, that’s all!” She be sick as shit…but her concern is for everyone else…I am the product of these women… WARRIORS…I smile.



My Mahm (standing middle) with her sisters Auntee Rene & Auntee Bea.  (sitting) RIP Auntee Jessie & Auntee Ruth



My dad’s mom died my senior year in school. I remember fondly her last day. She was yanking out her IVs. She did not want that medicine in her. She told the nurse just that! When I went in to see her to say goodbye, Grandma just said, “I love you!” No tears, no emotion, no fear! Just “I love you!” I still believe today, those are the strongest, most magical words a person can say! I am a product of this woman…FEARLESS!

I recount the story of my maternal Grandfather’s death and the strength of my Grandma as she watches her husband die in front of their daughters! I am a product of this woman…BRAVE!

Before I realize it, I say out loud to myself, “Joan of Arc ain’t got shit on me!” I laugh.

It won’t be easy! It will be a daily battle; however, I claim victory!

How nice it would be for my kids to say, “I am the daughter of Erin of Alabama!”

...the DIVA of all divas

The year of 1998 was very hard for our family. Beginning in mid-1997, my mother started to lose sisters to death. It seemed as if death was hitting us at every corner. My Mahm comes from a HUGE family where brothers were the minority. However, I don’t think I will ever see a breed of women stronger than Powell/Rankins/Rabb sisters.

Thirteen years ago today, I walked into my job restless and tired. I had a 3 month old child. My first biological child. I was experiencing post-partum depression and I was grieving the loss of my cousin who was killed in March 1998. As soon as I walked into the office, my co-worker grabbed me and took me into the restroom. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I’m totally unmoved by her tears. I did not want to seem insensitive, but I had been up all night with a crying child. Food was my worst enemy. Low & behold, it was hot! Out of the person that I am, I grabbed her shoulders and asked, “What is it?!” I was not expecting the words she said to me.

“Go home”. ~REALLY, girl, you don’t have to tell me twice—BYE! ~ “Go home and call your mother right away!” My disconnection to her tears finally became the foundation to my fears. Somebody was dead—AGAIN!  Who? Why? What? When? Where?

What I did know was I was not waiting to call my mother! I trumped to my desk, flung my items in my chair and dialed my Mahm’s number. For the life of me, I don’t know who answered my Mahm’s phone. All I remember was, “Darlene, you need to get home. Your Aunt Mildren is dead!” WTF?! HUH? I don’t know how I got home…I don’t know much of anything. Someone had called my husband and he was waiting for me. I was so dazed; I still don’t know all of what was communicated to me…not the DIVA?! Come on, we were just tripping because she was poking with me about Kennedi. I just saw her sitting on Auntie’s Rene bed being a comforter to her sister during the loss of her son. Aunt Mildren? Naw!

IMO--Mildren Powell Bracey

The reality was, my Auntee was dead. I had just gotten to a point in my life where I stayed alone at night while my husband went to work. He had to move me from our duplex because that one had too many memories of Keith. I couldn’t stay there. My stepson, DJ, Kennedi, and I were managing through my depression now, I’m depressed all over again. After Auntee’s funeral, my sister had to move in with me for a while. I was so depressed. I had my little baby. I don’t know how I am sane today.

Auntee, I think about her and laugh. Always smiling. Always talking. Nosey self ~lol~. I tell yawl, I have never seen anyone who could put 4 rollers (okay it was 6) in a head full of hair and it looks like she just left the salon. Her round face attached her full lips housed the voice of a songbird. She had the most beautiful voice. Too bad I can’t say the same for her dancing. Auntee taught everybody how to cha-cha.

If you didn’t know her, you would not think this woman was comical. She was too funny ~with her loud laugh~. When Auntee died, she took a piece of her surviving sisters with her, but also left them with a legacy of love. Auntee you are missed. You were love. You are loved!

...it is what it is

MarJean Mays 25 Aug 65 -26 Nov 08 

Well, here I go again. I put on a smile and do what I have to do to survive. I keep hearing you say, “Dee, you should make “time to stop surviving to live and just start living” your motto”.  I would look at you, roll my eyes, and mock you, “it is what it is”.  Then you would look at me and roll your eyes and I would laugh.  You were such a selfless person…a true, real friend. Always told me what you thought was right. You never told me what you thought I wanted to hear. You loved me…never judged me. 

I keep thinking how you tried to talk to me…I wouldn’t listen. I was so selfish. You needed me to listen; I cut you off. You just said, “Okay, Dee, I’m sorry!” I keep remembering holding your hands, giving you a manicure. Your nails were so long and pretty! The girls were making you laugh. If anyone had told me that would be my last time with you, I would so redo that do and shut my mouth and just let you talk.  As always, I avoided a needed conversation. Still, you loved me.

You were such a happy person. Today, I will be happy! I won’t be sad. Instead, I will reflect on what we would be doing if you were here. Yep, we would be talking sports!! We would be happy Chad 8-5 is gone from Cinci…boy, bye! And happy there is no T.O. on the Bengals. Though we love T.O., he just needs to go home! Boy, bye! We would be hoping Marvin Lewis was next LOL and tap dancing about #9, Carson Palmnomore! Elbow check….WD-40! ~tin man~ LOL

MarJean & her smile

I would try to talk about Vick and Ray Lewis to stay on football so we don’t go to basketball. You would tell me, I told you about the NBA! I would roll my eyes. You would start, “I don’t know how you like sports and don’t like college basketball”…I will just HUSH because I already know I can’t win this battle. You would lecture me, and then proudly smile showing your beautiful gap! I would smile, like I was defeated and then I would turn my hearing aids back on LOL. ~I’m such a bad friend~. 

Wish I could clown Floyd to you! No one understands how I can say he is one of my favorite athletes yet, I say I "NEED" to see him fight PacMan. You understand that boxing is physical, but the mental regulates the physical. I don't think Floyd's mental can outlast Pacqui. You would just laugh and of course agree, right? Like Bernard; I told you Bernard is a manipulator LOL. Can't help if I love him...can't help that his opponents feel for it! Oh man! Sugar Shit Moseley LOL God, I miss me some you! PacMan is a great boxer, M&M. His tenacity...his mental...he's a hard hitter...I really hope Floyd give me this fight. He's fighting next month ~roll eyes~ but not Pacqui ~go figure~. 

Your god-daughters ~oh my~...I would text you in the early morning…your god-babies headed out to the 1st day of school on your born day M&M. They are so grown! We would laugh about how they are developing and how they have my sassy mouth but their daddy looks! You loved them so much! I can’t even fake trying to type this…some days I get so conflicted. I want badly to be like you…positive and strong-willed.

I keep hearing you say, “Dedee, you try to be everything to everybody. You are going to BREAK; you are only human.” As I struggled with a title for my book you had been pushing me to publish, I thought of that…I thought of you. My book is titled, “Broken Angel”. 

Lucky the Cat

I love you MarJean. I miss you. Cincinnati is just not the same without you…I close my eyes and see us crying laughing about Lucky fat self! I still say that cat ate a human! ~smile~ The girls miss you! Phil misses you. You are loved and thought of EVERY DAY!

...let it PAIN on me

 ~tears fall as I look at me in the mirror...stained glass image reflection of self~

Thought I was immune to hurt

Please, God, just numb me!

I don’t want to feel this pain

Again it’s throbbing inside of me!

My headache is matching my heartbeat

A hole is left where he should be

But countless time he’s shown me I’m not his Queen

Well, I dethrone myself from your kingdom

Your laws are unjust and promises are false

I cannot fight your war anymore

My warrior days are over!

I have to fight for me!

I’ve cried so much; my eyes are blurry

But I see clearly…I feel strongly

I was taken for granted and I wasn’t appreciated

My truth was turned lies

Needles were stuck in my eyes

Don’t numb me, God

Let me feel this pain…this hurt

Make it worse this time far greater than last

I’ve bought so many lessons, I’m bankrupt on love

Baptizing myself in reality

I want to see the Black Dove

Take flight

Signifying the dawn of a brand new me

Don’t numb me, God

Let it pain on me!

My appetite is gone

My heart is broken

My head is crowded

But my judgment is solid!

I will cry away my sorrow

Grieve a life that never really was

Then I will take flight and accept the reality that

I can’t change anyone but ME

And I will embrace it

I will tango

Save the last dance for me!

Painfully Beautiful

a poem from Poet's Paradise by Erin's Echo

2010 © Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Musical Inspiration for today Tina Turner...I don't care who's wrong or right; I don't really wanna fight no more!