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| ...i once was lost |
If I told you how many times I rewrote this blog,
you would say, “Was it really that serious?” My answer would be “YES”…because
this piece eulogizes the me I have been for the last 18 years and resurrects
the who I was before—complimented by maturity. I cannot start to explain with
all the society branded “negatives” presently in my life how positive and happy
I feel at this moment…that is a BLESSING…that’s confirmation…that’s God!
I find it ironic, comical even that until 1994, I NEVER had people refer to me as “fake”. I never needed nor wanted neither acceptance
nor validity. For the last 18 years of my life, “you fake this” and “you fake that” has been
the anthem when I enter and exit a room. Even people who don't KNOW me say “you so fake”! While I am a natural born hell-raiser (genetic
from my Daddy), I let much slide, but the sting of it all...it never died…it lives inside of me…it
haunts me (but it doesn't hurt me)!
Recently, I won’t even lie, I smoked a
blunt…looked in the mirror…eyes small…hair jet black…natural skin…no
make-up…and I said, “Damn, Dee…how did you lose yourself? When did you stop
smiling? More importantly; why?”
As the tears started to fall down my full cheeks,
I rolled my eyes up to God…shook my head…closed my eyes…and found myself on my
knees! Not one word escaped my lips…I was just there and my heart did all the
confessing (that He already knew)…I just stayed there kneeled and crying and
crying and crying! Finally in ASL, I signed “In Jesus name, Amen”.
I really couldn’t speak (maybe I was too high…I
don’t know…but I could not voice one word…spooky huh?).
I have a blister on my knee right now…I love that
blister!
See, I’m wise enough to know that change starts
with oneSELF…I changed…morphed myself into someone I was not for people I didn't
even know and did NOT care to know! I did that…yes, I did…for 18 years. Before, I
was so outgoing, bubbly, happy…hey, they say flirtatious…I say…so be it. I
allowed other people’s thinking and thoughts to matter and dictate the who I was
when they never should have mattered to me at all; however, I was young, immature…out
to prove to others something that was nothing.
“…accepting your inner truths all the while listening to your inner voice
of reason and sanity. It’s funny all my life you have been my best friend, my
first lover. Still, I abandoned you for years, but you waited for me when I
lost myself, because you understood my immaturity and my fears” ~from Me,
Myself, & I by Erin Adams-Phillips~
That action was confirmation that I had
officially lost myself. When I looked in the mirror, the image staring back at me
was surrounded by human-devils and bible thumpers…singing holier than thou
praises and labeling me with their sins…because of their own insecurities.
As time went on, so many things happened to me…I
lost my bestest cousin to death…he was murdered. I slipped into a major
depression. I was like a zombie living outside of myself watching my mock life.
I started to let other people opinions of me shape me into the who they thought
I should be. I was easily influenced by family, friends, and foes alike when they
revealed to me both truths and lies. During it all, the backstabbers and
assbackwards were untruthing my truths.
Contrary to the lies they said about me, I lived
a sheltered life, not only as compared to them, but to most. Really, I
am not being sarcastic. The small county in Alabama I am from, just became a
“wet” county in the last few years…we have no movies…no shopping outlets…we
have small schools…everybody knows everybody…I was allowed small freedom, but I
was always on a short leash. I thought when I moved to Montgomery, Alabama in
1992, I was in the city now (Montgomery is so not city). I was able to go and
come without a curfew…I had freedom! I did not care what anyone thought about
me because I knew who I was, where I came from, and what I stood for. I never
explained myself nor my actions to anyone. Hell, I was 18 years old living on
my own. I was outspoken and sure of myself. I stayed true to my who…to me.
Now, I am back…I have returned…thank you,
Jesus! I’m not called Dolphin Dedee
because I look like a dolphin (they are too cute)…I am called that because I’m
LOYAL like dolphins…I am HAPPY like dolphins…I SMILE like dolphins…I’m
CONFIDENT like dolphins.
I allowed myself to be rearranged by an inner-me
that I did not know…I allowed situations and conditions to shape me like clay...people, that is how you get labeled FAKE…and truth is, for
me, they were on point…I was FAKE…I
was trying to be someone I was not to be accepted by a group that I did not
even want to belong to…no matter how I try to spin that, the outcome remains
the same—I WAS FAKE!
I am so happy to announce, that Bitch is dead and
gone…bitch, bye! You have held me down
in bondage far too long…you…are…not…welcome…here…any…more!!! Get out of my
house….out of my head…out of my heart! You have been
evicted…terminated…cancelled...replaced!
DAMN ~whew, give me a minute here to cry and do
my praise dance~ \0/ /0\ \0/ ~wiping tears~
I have been sick off and on since 2009. Finally,
it was confirmed I have Sarcoidosis…no surprises there…it runs in my family. I
have been through so much with this illness due to the way it attacks your body
and STRESS…STRESS kills! I was having flare-up after flare-up…my childs had to
watch me repeatedly get needle-stuck because I have regurged every ounce of
fluid in my body…my childs! My babies. MY BABIES. When I thought prayers were
going unanswered, truth is, the answer was in front of me ~tears flowing~.
On one occasion, I had to call the Police to go
to my home and get my underage child who I left there while I went to the ER
thinking I would get fluids and come home, but little did I know I was 48 hours
from DEATH…had I not went to the ER, I would be DEAD…the mocked me…the forced
me have cried so much and wanted to prove to others so badly that I could
survive anything that I made my childs endure things a child should never have
to endure…let me echo that again…I was so lost, I MADE my childs endure things
a child should never have to endure! Even sadder, for all the wrong reasons!
…hell, I had marital problems…but my kids were
NOT in that...they are our childs...part of our family...NOT part of our marriage…Phil has been and will
always be a STAND-UP father…I am NOT A FACTOR when it comes to his kids…why the
hell do you think I’ve loved him so long? Ain’t shit like a good ass father…sue
me…and he is just that…I give credit where credit is due…BOOM!
My illness was/is difficult for him…I respect
that and I understand and I have not one bad thing to say against him because
HE WAS THERE for me and he tried to reassure and console our childs and my
Mommy…it is not easy to see your spouse as sick as I have been. I will forever appreciate
that and respect that for life!
BUT…there is always a but; right?...
Phil was not happy with me…how could
he be?…he doesn’t even know ME...because I lost myself…18 years ago!!!!!
How can you love someone you don’t know? I
cheated him…not on him ~roll eyes~…I cheated him…trying to conform to the
standards of what others thought I should be (others who have a mucked up
relationship if they have one at all). He loved the pseudo, mock, morphed
image “Darlene”…scoffs…that chick ain’t me…in fact, I didn’t even like her ass!
This…this is ME…this is Erin…this is Dedee…this
is Dee…this is Dee-A…this is Dolphin Dee…small town chick from the backwoods of
Monroeville, Alabama…I like to confuse my us’es and we’s and say come’mere
versus come here…I like ham hocks and rice…I like oxtails and gravy…I like fish
and grits…I have skinned rabbits and coons and roasted pigs in the backyard…and
damnit, I even eat my collards with my hands…and WHAT!?
I laugh loud…with my mouth wide open…I don’t try
to look cute…I’m not a girly girl…I prefer to hang out on the front porch of my
Mamma’s house with my brothers and nephews and debate (oh, I’m sawry…talk shit)
about sports, guns, cars, and hip hop verses sitting in the kitchen with my
sisters n’em talking who had a baby…I don’t do gossip…I don’t do MESS!!! I’m
outspoken…oh, just admit it….I curse like a sailor…but I’m ride or die…I’m
LOYAL…I’m TRUE……..but…….
Eighteen years ago, I lost myself and cheated a
man, whom I married, out of knowing ME…he possibly could have loved ME…and
maybe our vows would have been to death do us part…maybe not…who knows. This
era of our life is over. Though it hurts to let go of something good, we both
know that you have to let go of the good if you want your GREAT!
What
I do know is that the damage done to my name…my life resume…my HEART cannot be
fixed. I’ve been accused of everything from being Jezebel to King Tut …I’ve slept with Methuselah and his 9 kids…or did he have more?…my body
was used to part to the Red Sea…that wasn’t God (I’m being sarcastic)…to get
the Israelites that was lost in me out of Egypt and back home..Moses is my best friend ~roll eyes~. Gossip…envy…and
lies all through the eyes of others about me! That is OVER…it is now time to
start living and stop surviving…no more lies through anyone eyes about me!!
“No more
lies through your eyes…No more opinionated cries…
No more
who, what, where, or whys…No more emotional distress
No more
dramafied mess…No more unhappiness…I chose to live not live to die”
~ from
Lies Through Your Eyes by Erin Adams-Phillips~
Whew…I
don’t care what anyone thinks of me…You think I don’t know my own flaws? My own
sins? I know who I am…I was just LOST…I slipped into a depression…I thought
moving across 3 states would help me embrace this pseudo girl I didn’t even
like that was within me and heal my marriage…but that is no more…no more
untruthing my truths!!...I asked the image in the mirror…
“How
much does a woman have to take, Oh mirror, mirror, to be justified, liberated,
educated on she?... How many nights will she fall to her knees asking for death
to rescue her from her own personal hell?...Begging death to swallow her up
before her own soul she sells?...To be justified, must she truth her lies,
regain her pride, collect her dignity, and walk in stride…Smile, not only with
her lips, but with her heart and her eyes”
~from Mirror, Mirror by Erin Adams-Phillips~
Reality of it all, you cannot escape the TRUE
you. You can lose weight…gain weight…wear colored contacts…bounce the bestest
weave…live in the dopest home…drive the finest car…but under all the
fabrication is YOUR HEART…and if you don’t love YOU…if you are not happy with
YOU…if you don’t appreciate YOU…if you do not respect YOU…YOU should not expect
for anyone else to love you…be happy with you…appreciate you…nor respect you!
“I never thought I
could love a person the way I that I love you…Unconditional~ I’m willing to
accept your flaws…Compromise to make minor changes for the better without
changing who I am and break no laws…” ~from Me, Myself, & I by Erin
Adams-Phillips~
Though I feel I was raped prematurely by society
and people more life-experienced than I...I am grateful that I experienced
love…I am thankful I felt what it feels like to be loved. I am humbled by the
hurt I endured and the hurt I caused. I thank those in my path who stayed true
to their whoremongering and trick-filled ways and ever so impolitely removed
their filth from my life. Today, I am balanced…my soul connects with my heart…I
smile…like a perfect puzzle…everything fits and reveals the true me that I lost
18 years ago…complimented by maturity.
…like a dolphin caged in too shallow waters by
man’s selfishness, who can no longer perform impressive, acrobatic flips they
naturally long to do, I suppressed my TRUE SELF within man’s cage; however, I
found an escape…I’m back swimming in true waters…I’m not wading…I’m embracing
the corals deep in the sea…as I spin out of control in the air and cry the
prettiest wale to my Mommy…my Daddy…my brothers…my sisters…my Aunties…my
Nephews…my Nieces…my friends…hey girlsssss…I’m back…as I introduce myself to my
daughters…for the first time…they get to meet ME…no more lies…no more false
impersonations…and I see the tears in my Mommy eyes…she can’t speak…so her arms
say, “Welcome back, my child! I missed you!”
“… I can’t wait to take you home to Momma. She will be overcome with joy
when she sees the smile of happiness on my face…The signs of joy in my heart-
she told me from you to never part…This is my PROMISE to you…To always be
true…I will NEVER forsake you; for you are me… And starting today, you will see
I’m yours for all eternity! Today, I PLEDGE this to you SELF! To always accept
my self-worth, conquer my self-esteem, appreciate my self-confidence and honor
my self-respect. Because if I don’t love you, NO ONE else will or can So, I
COMMIT to you today…I am DEVOTED to you from this day forward And I promise to
love and honor you for the rest of my life. Upon my death until the day I die.
For better or for worse for richer or poorer I will love you…Me, Myself, and I”
~from Me, Myself, and I by Erin Adams-Phillips~
