...life is a Battlefield

This will be the final entry I post from the Dedee Diaries.
 
life is a Battlefield from the Dedee Diaries © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

19 December 2010

Day Unknown~ I no longer count~

 …Another blessed day!

I've never been patient. I lost track of counting days in my diary after 6 Dec 2010. My born day. After seeing 37 years, I was just thankful and blessed to see another day. I am no Anne Frank. This is my diary! Come what might; come what may. I fear it not! I'm surrounded by love and greatness! I'm a sinner. I'm no Saint. I've never meet a Saint, but the sinners I know battle on the front row with me, helping me to hold my shield...and me theirs. Like a different, adult version of Red Rover. Send all your ailments over! Forget milk! We got God!

My light shines BRIGHTLY

I'm not fading away. My glow is just too bright for simple people to look at without a burst of confusion. My battle is not your battle. I don't want your pity. Sure, I get upset. I get angry. I'm not the WHO I used to be, but as I look in the mirror, I know that I am capable of making the WHO I am NOW 100% ~chuckles~ as if I would ever give anything less. I'm not made from the stuff my Mahm is made from...I am not wrapped in the skin of protectant like my Daddy. I'm made from this new stuff...I'm just glad I can mold it and bake it and make it strong. I don't know if I am a testimony or a repudiation. If you MUST, just take what you need from me, as I do from you, and use it to the best of your knowledge or lack thereof! I am a warrior. My rivals may be confused because as one day I appear weak and weary and they "think" they can claim victory over me, the next day, I'm rested and enlivened...all smiles. I took my prayer vitamins. Vitamin G!....and I can say....

                                       Another blessed day!

So, though you may not see my pain, it is there; however, my smile is like a band-aid...covers my wounds--shields my scars...as I continue daily to defy society's norms and raging storms of life!... Stop trying to figure it out! This is my life; not yours. Stay clueless, Dear Hearts...because you will go broke buying vowels before you understand me...you are just TOO simple to understand that life's storms never depart from me! It simply takes a vacation to wreck havoc on my mother, my siblings, my friends! Causing strong winds, ice in the dessert, and heated waves in the frozen waters of Alaska...seeking a vessel weaker than I...for it is tired from my fighting for what is rightfully mine! So, it is only fair to drown people I love in its burdensome funnel of envy...conquer...rest...plan...before it returns to the Battlefield of Dedee. Hmph...but I'm armored, I'm shielded...I smile to cover my wounds and prepare for battle! These storms of life may inflict pain upon my body, but they can't reach my heart...no, storms don't give up! I'm not expecting to see a white towel and I damn sure don't plan on raising one! I'm on the front line! My aim is good! My shield is God! 

                      Welcome to Dedee's Battlefield!"

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...: I walk not this road alone

from the Dedee Diaries

© 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

November 23, 2010…I am blessed

I am weak. I am weaker than my strength would like to believe and stronger than weakness ever imagined. This will NOT be an easy feat. With every pain, I get a chill. They come harder. More intense. My body is confused because though I cry with every other pain, I smile. It’s reminding me of the times I assisted God in the miracle of birth. At the end of the pain, came something wonderful…unique…something I treasure and love unconditionally.

Soon after, the pains stop….temporarily. I complain not…rather I enjoy that pain-free moment. I reflect on life…past, but mostly present and I remember I am blessed! I know family, friends, and frenemies who are not as fortunate as I. Some have lost limbs…some have lost life. Some have lost the love of their lives and some have never loved nor been loved...they have no support system at all. Their pains are ten times more crucial than my own. A pain-free moment for them is merely a thought. Yet, they keep on and they smile. They support others and try to find a glimpse of “just because” in their life. They are young and considered crippled…yet, they have heart. Everyone knows that heart is the pathway to survival!

I am blessed!! I have my husband, my children, my parents...a loving, devoted mother, my siblings, great friends, family and even my foes are rooting for me to heal ~I mean really, it’s hard to dislike the dead~.  I have my sanity ~okay, that can be challenged~.  Still, I am blessed because I know God.

My husband lost his mother in 1991. Before her death, she had buried her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and yes, even a child. She raised her siblings. When he talks about his mother, a calm overtakes his face and he glows. His eyes glisten. His voice goes deep & low. He tells of how she was the family glue. A loving mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin, friend, and neighbor. She was an advocate for equality and fairness. She would preach to no end, family or stranger, to anyone who mistreated a child/person. He speaks of how exotic she was in her style. Her flare for jewelry and sparkling clothes to match her personality and contagious smile. Most of all, she was godly. She attended her hometown church in a little town called Addyston, Ohio.

Ada Mary Smith Sept 10, 1939 - June 16, 1991

I tell him, his mother was not made of the stuff we are made of! I mean, really…that’s much to endure at such a young age. When I look at her life, I think of how fortunate those are who had the pleasure of meeting her and loving her...someone so heroic. Someone like me, having to endure those hardships, would be in a drug-induced coma to keep the little sanity I would have left. But instead of letting her life drive her, she drove her life…she is a testimony…her name is Ada Mary Smith…a HEROINE.

So when I feel like I cannot take anymore, I look at my husband, whom I call Phil...I look at our daughters...our son...I think of his mother. I think of my ailing friends and instead of asking for relief and healing for myself, I humble myself before God and ask for healing and comfort  for those I know and those I don't know for I am over-positive that I will be okay. After all, my pain ain’t all that bad (compared to others I know). I’ve lost a couple of organs and the sense of hearing; however, I still have the sense of touch…I can feel…I empathize with others and those who love them and whom they love. I have the sense of compassion. I know some of the sick would take my pain over their own without a second thought and rejoice in it…and if I could, I would happily give it to them for there is more pain in watching those I love suffer than it is to suffer myself. 

I pray for those who are weaker than I that they gain strength and find healing, mentally if not physically ~the mental battle is far worse for me~.  I pray that we can develop a bond of encouragement and support, because at the end of the rainbow, we will dance. Sometimes, friendship and understanding are the best medicines. So as our bodies and minds are invaded by uninvited guests, I refuse to curse Mother Nature for her cruel acts--it's not her fault at all. I prefer to thank her for allowing it to be me, for I am strong. Regardless of what Old Master Evil throws upon me...I won't let him have others blame God. God is the reason I live...God is the reason I write. God is the reason I endure. God is the reason I know I am stronger than my weakness would like to believe and weaker than strength ever imagined. It’s a balancing act…it’s my blessing...I know, I walk not this road alone!

Phil giving flowers to his first love; his Mom, Ada M. Smith!  

...I had a revelation

This week, I will share with you, my readers, some personal & intimate occurrences that has happened during my illness. This first account was written ONE YEAR after becoming ill. I share these with you for two reasons & two reasons only: (1) I need to re-read them in order to thief my strength back from the devil who stole it and (2) I want others to see me for the WHO I AM. I'm not always Wonder-woman...I do get weak...I do get discouraged...and YES, I even get tired and cry. However, I still have to keep a sense of humor...be positive...encouraging....inspiring. I am the type of person that will find GOOD in what others deem as BAD. In the words of Kennedi "MyADA" Phillips, "When life throws you a lemon, squeeze it into a jar of sweet tea and thank God you are a Southern Belle!" Tea anyone?

from the Dedee Diaries. © 2010. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Day one: Operation taking my life back!

November 22, 2010…I had a revelation

As my meds coerce me into conversing with the dead, I had a revelation. I could succumb to these illnesses or I could fight back! As I watched my husband silently sleeping, I closed my eyes and I talked with God. No need to lie to Him, He already knows. My conversation with Him is private; I care not to reveal my cries to Him. He’s that special…He keeps my secrets, my woes, my fears.

I decided to check on my girls. I had to laugh because Kennedi, Kerrigan, and Ras were all in KerriBerri’s room. Ras did his normal growl thinking I was going to remove him, but I just said, “Hush Ras!” He went back to his “guard dog” position (not knowing his just a Maltese). I went back into my room, Ras growled had awaken Phil. I smiled trying not to let him know I was in pain. See, just nano hours before, I made an unconscious (yet very aware) decision to stop taking medications. Come on, I have 25 prescribed meds! I am still sick everyday! Why do I keep poisoning my body with this crap and I still feel like death is 2 seconds away! If death is my fate, I want to enjoy what days I have left with my family! I refuse to be a Zombie any longer!

As I lie next to him, he cradles me. His warmth reassures me I have made the right decision. He kisses my cheek and I feel him softly snoring. I cry! I channel surf…Disappeared is on ID. I ache. Badly. I lick my lips to try to avoid medicating. I’m angry! My anger wins over my addiction to the pain meds and sleep finds me. I cannot feel my shivers, but Phil awakes me and asks what’s wrong? I realize I am having chills and tell him my usual, “I’m okay!”

I open the window closest to me and go into my medicine pal. I turn on the bathroom fan so he doesn’t hear me. I find my talking thermometer ~I can’t hear the others beep~ and take my temp…103. 4. My first mind is to shower in Luke warm water, but I don’t want to wake him. I run the basin full of Luke warm water, rub my body down like Mahm used to do when I was little…pop two Motrin and rinse them down with tap water…in the dark, I searched for one of his 100% cotton tees ~allowing my body to breathe~…and rejoined him. He stirs and asks, “What’s wrong?” I reply, “Fever!” 

Restless, I try to lie still to let him get his rest. Sleep finds me once again. I awake to him smiling, getting ready for work. I’m looking around. My girls are gone off to school. He ensured they let me sleep in…I wonder what their hair look like ~lol~…did Kerri get her glasses…did they eat breakfast? But I smile and trust him…he is their father…their protector.  We make small talk…trying to avoid the, “Are you in pain banter?” Cause if he asks, I am going to lie and say, “No!” So to keep from being dishonest, I avoid the conversation.

My mind is so far gone I don’t hear him telling me good-bye! He yells, “Dee!” Startled I yell, “WHAT?!” He said, “I said Bye, Babe!” Embarrassed, I smiled and said, “Bye, Phil…love u!” Between texts from my Bestie for support and laughs…I prepare him chili. He loves my chili! I do what my body allows tidying up the house…a little laundry. Making list of to do’s:

Text DJ to ensure he registers

Sign the girls up for new classes

Email my professor

Write family gathering letter

Text Bettye

Email T-shirt distributor

Make doctor appointments for girls

Contact Time Warner and be nice until they fix your shit ~roll eyes~

A pain hits…I brace myself and groan. I take a moment to sit and reflect while Ras is out back doing his doggy business. I thought of my Mahm…how strong she is…my aunties, Ruth, Jessie, Mildren, and Lorraine…how strong they are/were…the illnesses they battled… how you would never know Aunt Mildren was sick because she was too busy smiling and talking! Aunt Jessie could have a pain in your presence, you could see the tears in her eyes, but she would just grunt and smile. Aunt Ruth, the only way I can ever tell she is sick, is her voice goes very soft ~Mahm says I’m like that…get sick and can’t talk LOL~…the last time I was home, Aunt Rene had just had surgery…and that woman was standing and smiling and greeting visitors…my Mahm…”I’m just tired, that’s all!” She be sick as shit…but her concern is for everyone else…I am the product of these women… WARRIORS…I smile.



My Mahm (standing middle) with her sisters Auntee Rene & Auntee Bea.  (sitting) RIP Auntee Jessie & Auntee Ruth



My dad’s mom died my senior year in school. I remember fondly her last day. She was yanking out her IVs. She did not want that medicine in her. She told the nurse just that! When I went in to see her to say goodbye, Grandma just said, “I love you!” No tears, no emotion, no fear! Just “I love you!” I still believe today, those are the strongest, most magical words a person can say! I am a product of this woman…FEARLESS!

I recount the story of my maternal Grandfather’s death and the strength of my Grandma as she watches her husband die in front of their daughters! I am a product of this woman…BRAVE!

Before I realize it, I say out loud to myself, “Joan of Arc ain’t got shit on me!” I laugh.

It won’t be easy! It will be a daily battle; however, I claim victory!

How nice it would be for my kids to say, “I am the daughter of Erin of Alabama!”