...kibbles & bits

Alphabet study...the letter "L"...consonant...comes after K and before M...makes it ironic...Kong Mouth…Kong—illicit whiskey babbler, tattle tale tit of untruths...live, laugh, lust, love and LIE. We all had a family or neighborhood tattle tale tit as a child. We have sung one of the famous tattle tale rhymes:

~tattle tale, go to jail…stick your head in a garbage pail~

~ashes to ashes...dust to dust...tattle tales (snitches) can't play (roll) with us~

As a child, tall tales and/or tattle tales are accepted. I mean, I was the Queen of tattle. I told on everybody. “Mahm, Sissy won’t play fair with me! Make her come home now, Mahm.” “Mahm, they are mistreating me…my heart hurts!”…Don’t let my older brother hit me. I would have my Mahm paged at work, “Mahm, Big O hit me so hard, I fell out and I’m just waking up…my head hurts!” ~sorry, I’m laughing…“knock’em out John…whewwww you hear John holla”~… ^st unspoken sin, ENVY.

How do rumors get started, they're started by the jealous people and they get mad seein' somethin' they had and somebody else is holdin' ~from Timex Social Club "Rumors"~

I personally know people who have become victims of domestic abuse due to rumors…I have witnessed failed relationships and marriages due to rumors…I have seen people KILLED because of rumors! Garbage mouth people! They are too naïve to take responsibility for their own miserable, immature, demonic actions…their MOUTH. In a nice way, I say, people who gossip and start untrue (or hell even if they are true) rumors should learn the fine art of “shut the hell up”.

I think I'll write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill ... For the next time they catch somebody startin' rumors, shoot to kill ~from Timex Social Club "Rumors"~

Can you have laws without morals?...morals without laws?...laws without principle? I think that is how the Wrongful Death Claim birthed into the Department of Justice. “The power of life and death lies in the tongue”. “Freedom of speech” they say…but is freedom of speech free when it causes someone heartache, shame, even death...freedom of speech or legal right to offend others regardless?

Celebrities have been known to sue for libel and slander because of RUMORS. Everyday people have been put on blast because of rumors…and what is all this for? Is there a motive? More likely than not, when a person starts a rumor the motive is ENVY! I have said it once…but allow me to ECHO it for you…ENVY got Satan kicked out of heaven…ENVY caused Cane to kill his brother Abel…ENVY is a SIN people! It is ugly…ugly…ugly!

Envy is such an ugly trait! Thoughts of her bring me misery! I feel the hate emerging in me...I try to remember that allowing my demons to arise in me, allows her to control me. I swallow hard...I cry...I pray! I remember, God helps us when we ask before we do wrong; but I’m only human, and my hate-a-trick reflex, makes my hand-shake from the very thought of wanting to slap her into the reality she is not me...and NEVER will be...~from Stained Glass by Erin Adams-Phillips~

I have been a victim of ENVIOUS people…it HURTS to the core…they want your life so bad…they don’t give a damn whose heart they break, family they divide, or how low and classless they look. They try to make you out to be the DURTY DURTY…by telling LIES…spreading RUMORS!

Readers, trust me and you have my permission to ECHO this, when your partner, significant other, or spouse believe rumors about you told to them by someone of the opposite sex, they have MOTIVE too…they do wrong and try to blame YOU when they know it is a lie… I see envy…I taste greed…I smell insecurity.

Once you have falsified a person’s life resume, you cannot undo that, people…and me…Erin…I’m foolishly loyal…because even after the lies they told & envy caused them to betray a GREAT friend like me, still I will take their deep dark secrets…their truths…to my grave…I am not trying to hurt my back stooping to their level! I pity them…simply pity them; because, when you know what I was going through…told me it would be okay…supported me regardless, but still had to see if my life was golden…I have nothing for you but pity and that is no RUMOR—that’s FACT!

What do you propose, Erin; how do people stop rumors?

Rumors are inevitable…there are some people who are going to lie…cheat…and steal. I say to the gossiper… I say to the person whose mouth can’t hold water…I say to the garbage lover…I say to the Kong Mouth… life is about roles & responsibilities. Know your role in life and become familiar with your responsibilities…and if you do not, be ready for the fall out…and reap the repercussions!

~Tell-tale tit…your tongue will be slit…and all the dogs will eat it like kibbles & bits~

Connect With ERIN:

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...suicidal dreams

You do not understand even life. How can you understand death? ~Confucius~

Life is not easy. We were born into sin and the Bible tells us about the hardships that would be placed before us and reveals to us the signs of life’s difficulties in our era. Deuteronomy 28:59 warns about the plagues of life and how they would be “long-lasting plagues and malignant and long-lasting sicknesses”…verse 66 adds “And you will certainly be in the greatest peril for your life…you will not be sure of your life.”

There are certain subjects people avoid due to conflicted self-ethics and personal beliefs. Deliberate avoidance of such topics makes coping with life’s difficulties more stressful for some people who already struggle with day-to-day hardships. Those topics are—death and suicide—suicide and death. I tell you today, or as many times as you read this passage, two truths: (1) suicidal dreams are reality for some and (2) death is inevitable for all.

I dream of dying…death by one’s own hand...tangled in a world of love and lies…I just can’t understand why this pattern keeps cycling in my life…lying to my mind to make believe…fictitious smile plastered to deceive…everyone but self…I dream of dying…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

If you randomly selected 5 groups that consisted of 10 people, 1 out of 10 in that group will have dreamt, if not attempted suicide.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP, 2011) states, “More than 36,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year”. This number solidifies suicide as the 10^th cause of death annually in America. What could be so bad that one would want to take their own life? Circumstances differ.  Different people react differently to life events—illnesses, death of loved ones, abusive domestic relationships, divorces, termination from their job, financial decline, trials of parenthood, peer-pressure, and drugs (just to name a few) are some reasons people feel life is no longer worth living…they feel worthless and they feel the people they love would be better off with their demise. Therefore, they chose to terminate their lifely existence.

Some people cannot handle grief…some cannot handle suffering…some cannot handle a broken heart. AFSP (2011) warns, “The factors that contribute to any particular suicide are diverse and complex, so our efforts to understand it must incorporate many approaches. The clinical, neurobiological, legal and psychosocial aspects of suicide are some of the major lines of inquiry into suicide -- here, we present some information from each of these perspectives”. (Read more on perspectives, warnings, and statistics.)

When a person reaches out to you about harming oneself, your job is to listen, help them seek help or in the case of dire emergencies seek emergency help for them immediately, and to sympathize; not to understand…not to judge… not to pity…not to criticize…not to assume they just want attention…this is a cry…a plea for HELP!

I dream of dying and hearing Brahms’s lullaby…no more worries…no more sorrows…no more todays…no more tomorrows…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la….dream a little dream of me~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

Oftentimes, onlookers or family of a person that committed suicide will think the person acted in a cowardly fashion by taking their life. The majority of society would agree; however, I ask, if it takes a coward to kill self, who does a brave person kill? Neither cowardice nor bravery is associated with suicide. It is lack of self and emotional connection most times coupled with mental disorder(s), such as depression…for some, even the lack of a personal relationship with God or a higher, Supreme Being is a factor in suicidal tendencies. Personally, to me, it is selfish, because suicide not only kills self, the shocking performance of self-murder leaves the minds of loved ones boggled with self-blame while their hearts are  wounded and filled with feelings of neglect and betrayal. Survivors of suicide are often angry and depressed; it is hard to accept that a loved one took their own life. Sadly, research shows that children who have parents who commit suicide are more prone to death by one’s own hand. 

As an avid reader, one of my favorite authors is William Shakespeare. Some may find it bizarre that a writer of non-literary fiction and poems would admire such a literary author of masterpiece tragedies. I, on the other hand, find it ironic. Most of my writings are about events in my life—good or bad—and how those events shape my very being. I term it—my WHO I AM. Shakespeare’s tragedies involve events of successfully planned murder and suicide in Romeo & Juliet to attempts of suicide in his notorious King Lear. Exactly what is my point? Shakespeare can be comprehended as applauding those people who cannot handle grief…who cannot handle suffering…who cannot handle a broken heart…people who end oneself by death; I am not applauding suicide nor attempts of suicide—I am merely stating a reality that is the cause of 36,000 deaths annually in the United States alone! 

As a person who has contemplated and attempted this act, I have the right to WRITE about it and TALK about it from personal experience. I am not brave…I am not a coward…I am a human who at one point could not cope with my own life’s tragedy and I had suicidal dreams.

No more killing the people I love…no more sickness…no more pain…no more expectations…no rainbows after the rain…only a hole left in the hearts of those I say I loved but feared…I pray they are comforted by God’s tears as He waters my final resting place...because I dreamed a little dream of me…baa baa baa baa baa baa…la la la la la la la…I dreamed of a little dream of me ~…~from I Dream of Dying by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009~

For more information on suicide help please contact:

National Suicide Hotlines USA
United States of America

Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889
Deaf Hotline

For suicide information by state please visit the following link:

http://suicidehotlines.com/

Connect with Erin:

Follow @ErinsEcho

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https://www.facebook.com/erinsecho

...for the love of hip hop—an interview with The OneKingPin

KingPin OftheInkpen

November 27, 2011—One of Cincinnati’s most diverse, elite Hip Hop Artist released the mixtape, The Reconstruction, November 11, 2011. As anticipated, the mixtape is getting rave reviews for honorable, inspirational lyrics (click here to get the mixtape). Recently, I had the honor of  interviewing the man behind the pen, The One KingPin(KingPin OftheInkpen). Before the interview, I also listened to the mixtape and was like “WOW…he must be a poet!” The lyrics are poetically mesmerizing.

When most people hear “poet” they think of Nikki Giovanni, Maya Angelou, Langston Hughes and other famous poets.  When most hear Hip Hop Artist, they think violent and uneducated. This is because we live in a stereotypical world. So if asked, “What, if anything, does poets and hip hop artists have in common?” Many may answer, “Nothing!” Well, one of the questions (all interviewers ask this infamous question) asked to KingPin was, “How did you get started in the music industry?” His answer did not take me by surprise.

King responds, “I started out writing poetry that turned into writing raps with my brother and sister at a very young age. Music has always been a part of my life and will always be a part of my life”.

Allow me to say, the man behind the pen is very well educated. His grammar is superb.  He is a family man with a supportive wife and five children; he was raised in a two-parent home with active, involved parents aside his three siblings. He is a rock-solid Cincinnati native and graduate of Withrow High School.

With his brother, Mondale, being the most influential person in his music career, King recalls the first song his brother wrote for him in the fourth grade to Tupac’s “Pour Out A Lil Liquor”, and that talent is evident today as his lyrics speaks for themselves—“Lucifer was the minister of music, wanted all the power God didn’t approve it, now he chillin at the bottom like sewage, Thank God for this thing we call music”.

With such profound, symbolic lyrics, listeners can understand that King would state that KingPin the artist is separate from Steven King, Jr.  the man. “The rapper Kingpin Oftheinkpen is just that, the king of the pen, I focus on trying to put my time into the content and the music. Steven King is focusing on becoming a teacher, currently working at Cincinnati Public Schools and in pursuit of my degree to become a 4th/5th grade English teacher. My goals exceed music; my passion is with the educational enrichment of our future, the children. Education is my ultimate goal, as a father of five, I feel it is important to instill in our children the importance of education and accomplishing goals to ensure a prosperous and lucrative future. My passion is relentless whether doing music or helping my current students with their school work” Mr. King responds with humble passion.

Drawn to music and writing as a form of therapy and with his greatest fear for hip hop being the trend of gimmick rapping and party rap will sink the art form that has shaped his life in so many ways, it is warranted that King states, “Kingpin Oftheinkpen is not looking for a deal, nor respect or recognition, my intent is to continue to create music, and work to become the best writer that I can be. If respect or recognition comes, then great, if not it won’t stop me from making music and doing what I love in my spare time”.

His love for hip hop and the music is so absolute he created King Will Not Lose Entertainment to highlight his artistry, and show his love for music and his greatest hope is that as a whole, rappers and entertainers get back to the art of making music with meaning, substance, and content.

Is that not amazing? For a person with so much love for hip hop, the industry, the music, and to seek fame and fortune...but focus on the future of our youth? I am totally humbled by King. I had to ask him, “Mr. King, with the passion you have, would you recommend young people to advance toward hip hop”?  While I should have known by now nothing is predictable with Steven King, his answer was not hesitated and flowed from his tongue like a father, not a Hip Hop Artist, “I would recommend young people to advance toward education, and working toward careers that will empower them into adulthood. Hip hop is a great entity, but the future is in the hands of our teachers, doctors, policemen, firemen, and politicians. That should be their focus, not pursuing a rap career, or being an entertainer”.

Does he love hip hop? Sure he does; like a kid loves candy!

“I love hip hop, it is more than music, it’s a sub culture that has influenced so many parts of our society, such as politics, issues facing the impoverished and down trodden” states King.

Regardless of how society stereotypes Hip Hop Artists and how critics think it overshadows Rhythm and Blues (R&B), King disagrees, “Hip hop and R&B work very well together; they both depend on each other to work; without one or the other they both would lack the luster we all have grown to love about the genres of music”.

Since King’s goals and objectives are not to become that notoriously, infamous Hip Hop Artist who put Cincinnati on the map, I had to know what his hope was for his listeners. With a smile in each word, he responds, “I hope they continue to get joy from the thing that has been prevalent in my life for as long as I can remember, whether it was Sunday morning church service, writing music and poetry, or listening to some of the best musicians conduct their musical view through records and albums”.

Kingpin, the man behind the ink pen describes his music as wordsmith.

He is confident, “The Reconstruction is eclectic, and very diverse with concepts, lyrical content and substance. I wanted to give a insight into my artistry and vast abilities to create music that is filled with content. The Reconstruction is my best work and I put a lot of time and effort into the production, features, skits and song selections”.

He is self-aware and humble, “No one is greater than anyone else, we sometime get caught up in this mindset as listeners that one rapper is better than the other, when both artist are doing music for the love of the art-form. I on the other hand do music for my family, friends and people who enjoy music with substance and content. Validated hierarchy should be self proclaimed, don’t look for validation from anyone, music is a collection of your ideas and concepts to instrumental sounds, if you believe you are the best, then keep doing your thang, and let God decide if that is what he wants for your life, don’t look for approval from people, do what makes you happy”.

He is a husband, father, son, and brother, “My favorite hangout is my home, where my family is located. I’m a family man first, that’s what drives my ambition and aspirations”.

He is Steven King, Jr. The One KingPin…the man behind the ink pen!

Connect with the King:

Youtube: Kingpinoftheinkpen1

Facebook: Kingwillnotloseent

Follow@theonekingpin

Connect with Erin:

Follow @ErinsEcho

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...i got anger inside of me

from A Dolphin's Cry: My battle with sarcoidosis by Erin Adams-Phillips

©2011. Erin’s Echo & Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

A Dolphin's Cry

I got anger inside of me…

I can’t explain my body sometimes. I think even the doctors are confused. My blood is high…then low…hypertension…hypotension. Headache after headache. Joint pain after joint pain. Muscle spasm after muscle spam. Organ dysfunction after organ dysfunction.

I think I’m all cried out. 

I keep trying to tell myself that I need to let go of all this anger inside of me. The problem with that is, this anger is in my head, not my heart. When I forgive, I forgive for me; not for the other persons. This anger inside of me, stems from what others have done, and for so long, I allowed it.. I am angry at them. I am angry at ME—for seeing how these people love, respect or shall I say disrespect, and treat people, then willingly uphold each other in their wrongdoing. My mind embodies so much anger, because these people turn around and throw stones in an attempt to condemn the people that are there for them. They found a way to place face value on things in life that are priceless and have made things priceless that can be sold on every street corner. You know the ones who walk around with that holier-than-thou, sadity saint attitude, but lead the sins envy and gossip? The mixed stench of a cow humping a pig’s ass in grass flooded with muddy waters during the flood of hypocrisy? It stank—it stank badly.

I got anger inside of me!

Noses turned up about my husband and me, as if they had never seen a familony—when I learn they are familiar with familony (up close and personal familiar). The look of familial indiscretion as if they are free from sin when they should ask, “What are my sins and who am I to pass judgment?” 

If only I could shield their eyes from the prejudices & ugliness of the world! I would poke my kids in their right eye and stab them in their left, but it is far too late…their eyes have seen the coming of the ugly and the uglier; therefore, I must accept that though young, their eyes are no longer virgin. The cruelty & hatred of this system molested those big, beautiful browns before they could walk & talk. They have seen the selfishness of their blood lines that should love them unconditionally. They have seen and they have seen truth for only blind eyes lie. My daughters, at such tender ages, will never get to wear rose-colored glasses. How dare you judge me and make them suffer?! 

I got anger inside of me. 

I dare you to ever let my name roll off your foul tongues onto your deluded lips!! It is YOU that you should question…your WHO you are and not the who I am!!  

Dear God,

I got anger inside of me and it is killing me. I try so hard to remove it, but I am just a good for nothing slave and I need help with this. I need help to let it go!! My doctor said, “Stress kills!” I’m not stressed, I got anger inside of me. I remember Your word being delivered and the brother said, “Heart attacks and brain attacks kill. I don’t worry…I don’t stress…I don’t become anxious…I hate the actions of others, but I don’t hate people…I give it to God…yes, I throw my burdens upon Jehovah because I know He will sustain me (from Psalms 55)”. I don’t hate the people either, God. Only their actions. Yet, I am angry. I am angry with them at them and at and with myself! I need to humble myself…become meek and mild-tempered in order to be long-suffering. I’m running short on kindness, God. Sometimes, though I pray for others, I can’t pray for myself. See, I don’t want to be healed. I’m not so arrogant or think I’m better than the next that I want a healing, I just want to release this anger I got in me…so that I can allow You to help me endure. Please, God, I have anger inside of me. It is in my head, on a voyage to my heart. Help me to release the anger…coat it with forgiveness, forget, and bye-bye! I come before you and humbly ask. I respect and accept it won’t be today…it won’t be tomorrow, it may not even be next month, but I know, if I work at it…sincerely, because I asked you and worked for it, it shall come to be! Help me release this anger I got in me so that I can do Your will and swim with the dolphins one day. I ask these and all things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen Amen!

...facing reality: the cold, hard truth

Are you addicted to drugs? Not street drugs; prescription and/or over-the-counter drugs. If you were, would you know it? If you knew it, would you admit it?  (Read more about awareness here.)

More often than not, patients of chronic illnesses become addicted to prescription pain medication. More people overdose from prescribed meds then they do street drugs. It is a constant growing problem, and worse, it stunts treatment of patients both mentally and physically.

In the memoir I am writing, "A Dolphin's Cry: My Battle with Sarcoidosis" I face the common reality that I was over medicating. I kept telling my drug-induced mind that AGAIN I had been stripped of so much, so fast—betrayed by Mother Nature...not GOD! 

I live a life that is TRUE to myself—I am not ashamed of the things I have done and I don’t speak about things if I cannot ECHO them in life.

from “A Dolphin’s Cry”~as I wipe steam from my bathroom mirror I say, “Good morning, Sarcoid”! My eyes look like frog eyes; my voice is hoarse, my body looks soft but underneath is a warrior ready for battle! I poke out my chest, “You have been winning because I let you! You are not my first illness! I’ve lost senses & organs to illnesses before you. You on some new shit, but so is my doctor and I am a believer; so Good Morning, Sarcoid; let’s have a great day!"

In an earlier blog from the Dedee Diaries: I had a revelation, I speak of how I stopped taking prescribed pain medications AGAIN, because when you have a chronic, painful illness, you learn the meds do not take away the pain, they only put you in a mental state where you can bear the pain--I call it ZombieNation or Lala-Land...so as soon as it wears off, you immediately want to go back to ZombieNation or Lala-Land. These medicines are abused because people are unaware of how they work. If you do not know how to cook on a gas stove, most likely you will burn your house down. If you do not understand how a medicine works, you can easily abuse it. 

Prescribed pain killers are in a class of medicines called "opioid". To most they are known as Narcotics (Narcs). These medicines sends messages to the brain that pretty much says, "There is no pain in your body!" They also induce people into a high state of euphoria--which produces the feeling of being "high". When you come down from the state of euphoria, you get so emotionally sad, you want another pill or two to stay in the drug-induced state of "happy". 

There are several drugs in this category but the most common are oxycodone/OxyContin (Percocet) and  Vicodin/hydrocodone (Lortab). My illness is so painful I was given Percocet and Lortab. When I realized how many I was taking and counting them to see if I had enough to make it through my 30-day refill, I knew I had an issue that had to be addressed. My husband would ask, "Dee, don't you think you taking too many pills?" He always asked who was I trying to be a modern-day Dorothy Dandridge? He had even threaten to call my Mahm...he knows damn well I'm scared of my Mahm ~smile~. 

I took a hard look at myself. I was popping one of each pill every two hours with wine and I was the happiest, sickest person I ever knew. When I did not have them, I was sad and angry. Not wanting to tell my family, I reached out to a friend I knew I could trust. We talked about it and with our talk, I was able to say, "Dee, you addicted to these pills". 

I'm in pain right now...as I type this blog...chronic pain...daily...but I only take Tylenol 3 (no codeine) to alleviate the pain...okay, so that's like taking a vitamin, but I manage. When the pain becomes too much for me to bear, I will contact my doctor, who is aware of my belief that I was over-medicating, and go to the ER to get medication through an IV. Narcotics/opioids are not only addictive, when abused, they cause severe harm to the body...especially the digestion and respiratory systems (read more about Opioids here). 

I wrote this poem during my first encounter with narcs. I had to face the reality that I was abusing them...my relationship with narcs started in 1996 and ended in 2011. With me battling an illness like sarcoidosis, that has now attacked my nodes, I won't say I won't take them again...I may take them again, but this time around, my doctor and I know how to deal with the issue. I am honest with myself and that is what is most important.

FACING REALITY
©2004~ E. Darlene Adams-Phillips. Why you gotta treat me so bad. All rights reserved.

It’s hard for me to say good-bye to you
I’ve never been good at farewells
If I say to you, “I’ll see you later”
I know I’m setting myself up to fail
Please don’t think you weren’t good for me
In all honesty, you were my joy
But I totally used and abused you
Like a dog mauling a child’s toy
I took advantage of you consistently
As you tried to be my friend
I refused to look at your values & wouldn’t heed the warnings
As you tried to inform me "this was a dead end"
See, you comforted me when I was sad
Blind lifted me when I was depressed
Unselfishly fulfilled me on those long winter nights
Alleviated my stress
And I know you never intentionally meant to hurt me
You would have left if I did not hold you back
The unhealthiness of this relationship is my entire fault
Because perseverance I lacked
I blamed all of my trials and problems on you
My health, my marriage, my career
When really, I was the only one to blame
Because departing from you I feared
Well, we know I can’t say I’m divorcing you
Because now you part of  my life
I’m just committing to never use or abuse you
I’m finding a new way to deal with my strife
I guess, you can say I’m making healthier choices
When it comes to you and me
Facing my reality, appreciating my worth
Setting all my addiction demons free!
So I pray this new relationship will be productive
As I deal with issues of both you and me
We are embarking on a journey for the rest of my life
Me, my conscious, and my pain!

Resources:

http://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/PainkillerOverdoses/

http://www.thegooddrugsguide.com/

http://www.oxyabusekills.com/

http://www.theantidrug.com/pdfs/prescription_report.pdf

Illusions: I Awake

from Weaning My Woes II: This is the Remix


~for Phil, Kennedi (MyADA) and Kerrigan (KerriBerri)...it is not easy loving me, but someone has to do it; I thank God that it is you, you, and you~

© 2010 Erin Adams-Phillips ~ Weaning My Woes II : This is the Remix

My eyes flutter and I awake
to him staring down at me
Hand on my chest
Cold towel on my head
He smiles, I smile
As he positions my head in the nest of his arms
he inhales the scent of me, as if it is his last time
I sleep

My eyes flutter, I awake
To her little dark eyes
With the perfect slant just standing over me
I smile; she waves
I glance over at him; finally asleep; softly snoring
She positions herself in the chair next to my bed
My remote in hand, my saltines in her lap, and my ginger ale on the table
She wraps her body in my dull-red throw
She smiles; I sleep

My eyes flutter, I awake
I see the sweetest little PrinceAsse,
holding the cutest little pup as they sit at my laptop
I smile, she speaks, “Hey, Mommy!” He sniffs
I instantly look over for him, but beside me lies she
Sound asleep, wrapped in my dull-red throw
Her chin rests on her hands
She breathes out a saltine breathe, I inhale it,
As if it is my last time
And she stirs but returns to quiet slumber
I give my attention back to her; I smile
She asks, “Want me to run you a bubble bath, Mommy?”
My heart smiles, my head nods “yes”
I sleep

Sweet dreams, Dear Erin; tomorrow is a new day!

She wakes me gently, “Mommy, Come on!
I have your water, just the way you like it!”
I smile

I find a text in my celly from him
“Babe, you were sleeping, didn’t want 2 wake u. At work.”

I smile

As I emerge my body into the hot water full of vanilla and white tea Vaseline beads
And warm vanilla sugar bubbles
I release my pain, my tiredness, my weakness, my burdens to the heat
I look at her sitting on the toilet looking at me
We smile

The phone rings, and she awakes
Realizing I am not there and she yells, “Mommy!?”
The smaller version of her rolls her eyes and yells,
“She’s in a bubble bath!”

I chuckle, she enters, rolls her eyes at her mini-me
She looks at me, she smiles

“Dad is bringing food.”
I nod; I smile

She sits on the side of the tub, lathers my sponge
with warm vanilla sugar shower gel
She gently washes my back and my shoulders

I sigh; I moan
The warm water on my ailing body
Feels better than good

I relax as they smile

As I am drying, they switch my bed sheets, make my bed
Preparing my sanctuary for my rest
I sit and brush my teeth
While she brushes my hair
her mini me lotions my legs and arms
We smile

I laugh as I notice today, they have selected Mickey Mouse
I roll my eyes and shake my head
They laugh

I dress in black and red Mickey Mouse PJs…
One of my many Looney Tunes' collections

I am TIRED, I crawl under my smoke gray and dull red covers
He enters
LaRosa’s! Pizza and salad for them…soup and salad for me
I eat just enough to medicate
He brings in my barf bucket…freshly washed and clean
With the aroma of Lavender scented Mr. Clean with Febreze
I inhale the calming scent as if it is my last time

They bring me saltines and ginger ale
I smile; they smile
I sleep

My eyes flutter and I awake
To him staring down at me
Hand on my chest
Cold towel on my head
He smiles, I smile
As he positions my head in the nest of his arms
he inhales the scent of me, as if it is his last time
I sleep

...educated or degreed? what's the difference?

An associate I know said, “Erin, I am so proud of you for continuing your education and getting your PhD. There is nothing like an educated woman”. I did not know if I should have been honored or offended. I was educated before I graduated high school. I certainly was educated before earning my Bachelor’s and Master’s. In fact, I think I have been educated since I was 12 years old. How?

“I speak what I speak what I speak; I feel what I feel what I feel

I do what I do what I do; Always true…always Dee…I flow. I keep it real!

In the Dedeeictionary, Educated does not equate knowledge”

from the Dedeeictionary by Erin Adams-Phillips © 2009

A person does not have to own a DEGREE to be educated. I know many uneducated people with degree; simultaneously, I know many educated people with no high school diplomas.

 Dictionary.com defines educated as—having undergone education. Characterized by or displaying qualities of culture and learning. Based on some information or experience.

To me, educated means to have “working” knowledge of a trade and diverse “growing” knowledge of life’s past and present current events, etc…the key word is “growing”. You will often notice I use the phrase, “Thank you for watering my roses”. That phrase simply means, “Thank you for educating me on that topic!” I have a big head and there is always room for growth.

Imagine this; I grew up in a home with two parents who did not receive their high school diplomas. I did not say they are uneducated. They are educated; they just don’t own degrees. I’m not sure of the validity of this  ~chuckles~ but my Daddy said he dropped out of school in the 3^rd grade, I think it was the 7^th. However, not only can he read extremely well, the man can do Math, not basic math either, in his head! He can read and draw blueprints and build homes. He ensured he taught himself those trades. Regardless, society says my Daddy is uneducated; I beg to differ, my Daddy does not have a degree, but he is educated. 

~Water your roses by reading DAILY~

My mother left school to marry my Daddy. She married him when she was 15 years old. The daughter of one of the smartest men in Monroe County, Alabama, she knew that in order to succeed, one must be able to not only read, but COMPREHEND. To this day, you will find my Mahm reading 3-4 times a day. As children, we had to read, mostly spiritual material, but we had to read and apply what we learned by telling her what we read. She would ask us questions challenging our thoughts. She drilled in our head, “Yall better pay attention and read!” “Turn off that TV and read!” My Mahm runs her own business successfully. She is not degreed, but she is educated. 

In the 4^th grade at Monroeville Middle School, I had a teacher by the name of Landon Sawyer. Mr. Sawyer taught me music. However, his teaching went deeper than singing; he wanted us to have an understanding of what we were singing. Two songs caught my attention, I have taught these songs to my children (1) My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean—it’s BONNIE not Bunny; the song can be a lost love or someone who died and ashes scattered at sea. The symbolism helped me to understand the song; hence, I educated myself on this song. (2) Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion—as a 4^th grader, I was intrigued by “how does happiness runs in a circular motion? I want that happiness!” I would sing that song over and over and finally, I got it. People say what goes around comes around; right? That was not the meaning of that song! The song tells us we are in control of our own happiness and we are our own limitations.  I believe that is the message Mr. Sawyer tried to teach us in 4^th grade!

Throughout my schooling, I have meet teachers, like Mr. Sawyer, who were more than a teacher, they were mentors. Ms. Doris Lee, I love her for life! She pushed and challenged me so much. I hated science. She instilled in me, “You don’t have to love a subject to learn it! Your goal is to be well-rounded!” I love her! To this day, I am very close to her and credit her to my being educated ~with her giving pop quizzes self~. 

Ms. Paralee Broughton! Everybody loves her…I do too, NOW! ~lol~ In 10^th grade, I looked at her sideways; come on, how you gonna give me a C! Marking up all my papers? Always smiling. I told my Mahm, “She doesn’t like me!” Mahm was like, “Bring another C in here!” One day, I sat in class and waited and talked with her. When you are from a small town, everyone knows everyone. I was like, “My Mamma gonna kill me, I need to pull up that C!” She said, “Adams, you are better than the work you give. You want an A; you need to present A work!” I was like WHAT? Oh hell no! I remember my buddies, Quentin, Sam, Lanette, & I sitting talking and I just listened to them. That day, I learned I could grow continuously. I was blessed to have a teacher/mentor and friends who taught me the art of constructive criticism, and I needed it because my 11^th grade year, I had the honor of being taught by the best English teacher known to mankind—Mrs. Timmons! 

Mrs. Timmons always spoke correct grammar. When you were in her class, you were going to speak correct grammar! She may not know this, but she is the reason I pursued my degree in English. Through her, I developed a passion for debating and critiquing literary work. She never let me settle for less. She pushed me so hard. She would tell my Auntie Jessie that I was slacking off! I would get so angry, because Auntee stayed on me about my grades. Some people don’t know that at the age of 10, I was reading far above my grade level. I not only read, I could comprehend…devise an argument on what I read, and challenge another person by supporting what I interpreted. When I entered college, my English 101 teacher was like, “WOW! You know your literature!” I would just smile because Mrs. Timmons taught me well.

Too, my friend Sam, was an avid reader. Sam always had his own thoughts and would not back down from his beliefs. He introduced me to the second best book ever—the Dictionary ~the first is the Bible…it’s full of symbolism, metaphors, principles and laws~ . 

I allowed my roses to be watered by my peers. I accepted constructive criticism. I landed at job with the Department of Defense as an Editor at the age of 21 because I scored so high on the test. I have 2 degrees and neither of them have anything to do with my education. They were personal for me. I wanted them—lifelong dreams! I didn’t need them; however, I wanted to set an example for my daughters as well.

Too, my husband and I do not allow our daughters to speak slang in our presence. Sure they make grammar errors; sometimes I correct them, most times I don’t. I don’t even speak correct grammar daily; I’m sure  have 100 errors in this blog (laugh to self); the difference is I CAN speak and write correct grammar; my written and verbal communications are fine-tuned; why….because I have a BS, English? No, because I am educated. I could speak and write fluent grammar effectively before I graduated high school. 

My roses are watered by my colleagues. I love to read their work. I love to type debates. I do peer-reviews for my professor. Yes, I am continuing my education. My childhood goal was to be a college professor. In order to do that, I need a PhD. However, I am already educated. I have been educated since I was 10-years old…I continue to grow. I know the difference between educated and degreed. 

Charles Murrays states, “… an increasing number of people attending college do not have the cognitive abilities or other attributes usually necessary for success at higher levels of learning”.  Why? I say, because they are not educated.  I will conclude with one of my favorite analogies, “Educated is to degreed as knowledge is to WISDOM!” It is about more than knowing; it is about applying what you know. 

People, water your roses…educate yourselves, challenge yourselves…and never settle for less than what you are worth.

...as I bloom into the beauty of my own ROSE, I will help other victims of Domestic Abuse

Art by Octavia Wright/Slogan by Erin's Echo & Adrienne Goodwin Litmon of Diamond's House

 

“Like a flower, bloom into the beauty of you…petal by petal. Break the silence!  Stop the violence! You are a precious gem”. ~Diamond’s House~

It took many years, in fact, it takes every day of my life…to break that familiar cycle, but I am blooming into the beauty of myself.  Are you stunned? Is it hard to believe? You just never know, huh? A person’s history?!  What they have been through in life. You sit and envy them…from the outside looking in…wanting what they have, not aware that the “beauty” you see is make-up to cover black eyes and bruises. The smile you see is to cover the insults and belittling. The person you sit next to everyday could be an abuser or the abused. 

In the movie for colored girls, Jo states that Crrystal was her assistance for over 8 years and she never knew she was abused. Maybe it is because (1) Jo did not know the signs or (2) Jo was in denial that she too was being abused and being an abuser. 

There are so many misconceptions about domestic violence, but the biggest one is IT IS PHYSICAL. Not all forms of domestic violence are physical. Not all who are abused are female and adult. YES, men are victims of domestic violence, as well as children. Any form of harmful control, verbal belittling, pushing, or shoving is abuse.  A parent who stays with an abuser, subjecting their child to the abuse, abuse their children. Ask me how I know? I will tell you! 

from Dear God: My Life as a stepchild by Erin Adams-Phillips “For some families, divorce is difficult; however, for us—especially my sister Bonita and me—it was a relief. Bonita and I are 2 years apart in age and had to rely heavily on each other in difficult family times. Our bond is very strong; she is more than my sister, she is my best friend. I can vividly remember how the two of us would pray to God that our mother would leave our father.

Erin with sister Bonita

Though all of us have very good relationships with both of our parents today, that was not always true about our relationship with our dad. For our family, our parents remaining married was a nightmare. We grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse—verbally, physically, and emotionally (http://www.examiner.com/x-12866-Domestic-Violence-Examiner )”.

Abuse can affect a child in many ways. They can become an abuser, become the abused, or just have un-faced demons from that environment. In the movie adaptation of for colored girls, when Beau dropped the kids from the fifth-floor window, Gilda told Crystal she HAD to accept responsibility. It would be up to Crystal how much of the blame she took, but she was responsible in part for the murder of her children by the hands of their father. 

When is enough enough? How does one know their breaking point? “What do I do? My children are depressed and I have nowhere to go!” “I deserve this! I provoked him/her! I have to do better!” “No one understands!”  Don’t judge them! Don’t label them. GIVE THEM HOPE! 

I lived in a home where domestic violence was like a delicacy. I saw so much domestic violence I thought it was “normal”. When I first saw two spouses that didn’t fight, I was like “What’s wrong with yo parents, gull?!” Through it all, I have learned that being abused doesn’t make a person weak…being an abuser does and there is help and hope for both the abuser and the abused. 

I lost a cousin in March 1998…yes a MALE cousin. He was killed because “she” felt if she could not be with him, no one else could be with him. Not his mother; not his father; not his children—including her own--; not his sisters…brothers…NO ONE…so she gave our family a life sentence when she took his life from us; the people who loved him.

How many of you have buried a loved one because of domestic violence? How many of you know a person being abused and says, “She must like that shit; she stays!” How many of you know the stats? Domestic Violence Statistics (2011) reports, 

• Every 9 seconds in the United States, a woman is assaulted or beaten.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
•  Every day in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

Are you an abuser? Are you abused? How about someone you know? How many of you know the signs? HelpGuide.org (2011) informs us of the signs: 

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for their own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

Can you see them? Hear them? Their cries? Their whispers? Will you help them?

I will help them. “Until violence stops, Diamond’s House will be there to offer SHELTER and HOPE!”~ Diamond’s House, Inc. ~

As a volunteer of Diamond’s House, I have joined in the fight to break the silence and stop the violence. I ask each of you to join me by becoming a sponsor to Diamond’s House or any organization that offers that hope to a person in distress. All we have are each other. Help someone to bloom into their beauty. 

Diamond’s House is an all volunteer organization and a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation with the IRS. All donations are tax deductible under the federal law.

Phone: (757) 535-0924; email: DiamondHouse01@gmail.com; website: www.diamondshouse.org; or mail: Diamond’s House Inc.—P.O. Box 7697, Portsmouth, VA 23707.

Let’s fight the good fight TOGETHER to break the silence and stop the violence! You are not alone!

Further reading suggestion:   http://adriennelitmon.blogspot.com/

Erin Adams-Phillips ©2011. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved.