Envy is such an ugly trait! Thoughts of her bring me anger & pain! I feel the hate emerging in me...i try to remember that allowing my demons to arise in me, allows her to control me. I swallow hard...I cry...I pray! I remember, God helps us when we ask for help before we do wrong; but I’m only human, and my hate-a-trick reflex, makes my hands shake from the very thought of wanting to slap her into the reality that she is not me...and NEVER will be...
~from Stained Glass © Erin Adams-Phillips~
~from Stained Glass © Erin Adams-Phillips~
We often hear people speak of the “selfs”: self-esteem, self-love, self-image, self-confidence, self-worth. Psychologists believe that if a person has a sense of “self”, they are better equipped to handle denials, failures, and loss. They will find within one-self their own WHO and accept the person they are and/or the person they can flourish into. No one wants to be invisible; but how far will YOU go to be seen?
My truth her lies. My fear his fortress. Her sins my pain. Her words the lyrics to my song’s heartache. His music the tempo to my cries. His rights my wrongs. Her wows, my woes.
~from Stained Glassy © Erin Adams-Phillips~
Do you remember in high school or college you were taught about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Simply put, Maslow said, “Humans need acceptance in sequential order to be able to be their best person and perform at their highest potential”. Many sociologist and other researchers disagree. However, the proof is in the pudding; right?
According to Maslow's 5-levels of need, if a person does not have those basic needs (food, clothes, and shelter), he/she cannot prosper to another level in life such as developing and sustaining relationships (personal) or obtaining and performing efficiently in a career (professional). Even if a person is good on levels 1 & 2, they will still desire that need to
belong from family, friends,
and intimate relationships.
If those needs
are not conformed,
for those individuals, time stops, because they will not achieve the needed esteem to excel (level 4); without those esteem needs, self-actualization (level 5) is just NOT possible.
belong from family, friends,
and intimate relationships.
If those needs
are not conformed,
for those individuals, time stops, because they will not achieve the needed esteem to excel (level 4); without those esteem needs, self-actualization (level 5) is just NOT possible.
“I looked at her…golden skin, deep, dark, mysterious eyes…hair that flowed like a beautiful wave caressing the ocean’s shore. She was naturally beautiful…physically flawless, it pained me to know she wanted my life! She doesn’t know my pain…she doesn’t know my sorrows! I’m sure I make being ME look easy, but I’ve had decades of practice…try walking in my shoes…4 inch heels with stomach pains and an aching back!”
~from Stained Glassy © Erin Adams-Phillips~
Come on, Erin; do you really believe that? BELIEVE it; I live it daily! Wait, I do more than live it, I survive it! How? You know how people say, “for every cause there is an effect” or “for every action there is a reaction”? Well, that’s how I survive it. Survival of the fittest—Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution by Natural Selection (most of us are more familiar with Survival of the Fittest, but it is not the name of the theory). According to Darwin’s theory, all living things must compete for a limited supply of food, water, space, and other necessities (Maslow's level 1). The individual whose variations are best adapted to the conditions of their environment has an advantage in this struggle (Wyhe, 2002).
ACCEPTANCE—the need to belong, love, affection, security and the lack thereof; but most importantly no knowledge of self-identity...this, people, is a recipe baked for disaster! We have to learn to live outside society’s norms and get in touch with our WHO. Explore your selfs.
ACCEPANCE—the need to belong as a teen in today’s society is branded by the media. We are all familiar with the popular kids (cheerleader, jocks, etc.). Every student vies to be accepted by the “in” crowd. The media makes young girls feel that if they are not a size negative two, they are ugly and fat; undesirable! What’s worse; is when parents contribute to that thought process by neglecting to compliment that child…show that child…help that child to embrace their beauty; double jeopardy! If a child does not have the basic needs NEEDED from home (Maslow level 1), they will most likely do anything to belong—smoke a cigarette, drink alcohol, use drugs, engage in sex, etc. , to feel protected and secure (level 2), which only leads to a false sense of security, affection, and relationships (level 3). ENVY others—lives they do not know!
You can take a peer of that same neglected child who, too, is not popular, but comes from a structured home with involved parents who have family quality time (adaption of environment), and the outcome most likely will be different. He/she has been told they are handsome/beautiful. They receive guidance, affection, and discipline from their family. They are taught about their ancestors, developing that sense of self-identity. If that child is peer-pressured by the “in” crowd, that child will THINK before he/she reacts. It is less likely to give in to a false sense of security, when you have FELT sincere love, genuine security from your parents.
I never understood Momma. The way she lived…the way she loved…the way she forgave. But Momma just says, “Everythang ain’t meant fah yo undastanding, Chile! Some thangs are juss dat, thangs!” …I knew that day, that I was in love with Momma. I wanted to be just like Momma. Little did I know that something that seemed so simple would be so complicated. It was a journey, a voyage to self-identity, self-love, self-confidence, self-image, self-worth, self-esteem. It was an expedition to self-restoration. On that voyage, I did something I never thought I could do…fall even more in love with Momma. I knew then it would not be easy…walking in Momma’s shadow.
~from In My Mother’s Shadow © Erin Adams- Phillips~
If a person is told from childhood to young adulthood that they are failures, they start to believe they are failures, and recounts this thought throughout their life, both mentally and emotionally; adjusting to that belief...adopting that teaching...making it their habitat—adaptation to their environment(Darwin's theory) . Just because a person has reached adulthood does not mean the desire for acceptance and the need to belong withdraws from their person! Acceptance is a state of mind. If a person, a child turned adult, has felt abandoned by parents and peers and have not learned to get emotionally in touch with their WHO, these needed emotions transitions with them into their adult life.
One of my favorite movies, “The Five Heartbeats”, breaks me to watch the part where Eddie’s daddy told him, “You ain’t shit…you ain’t gonna be shit…cause I ain’t shit (paraphrasing here)”. Eddie was never accepted by his father. This created insecurities in Eddie. Eddie was unsure of who had his best interest at heart. He became vulnerable and was manipulated by Big Red.
One of my favorite movies, “The Five Heartbeats”, breaks me to watch the part where Eddie’s daddy told him, “You ain’t shit…you ain’t gonna be shit…cause I ain’t shit (paraphrasing here)”. Eddie was never accepted by his father. This created insecurities in Eddie. Eddie was unsure of who had his best interest at heart. He became vulnerable and was manipulated by Big Red.
Adults who are not secure with self will look at others and without knowing the person, envy that person…reaching out for friendship; acceptance. Really, no one wants to feel invisible or ignored. It can be the same for an adult who had “everything” as a child, but the adult world is not kind to them. Therefore, they will do what they need to do to fiend that addiction—ACCEPTANCE.
When that person doesn’t accomplish their goals, they develop a dislike for the people who are being recognized for the same deed. They may become depressed (what most terms miserable), and we have been taught that “misery loves company”. In an attempt to befriend you, through no fault of their own (really, they don’t know who they are and may be suffering from depression), they are doing all they can to take your place…replace your image with a negative portrait and belittle you to others.
It is no different with online friends—social networking; you will find people that do not show you their true self/personality. It is easier to do create a false sense-of-identity behind a computer monitor. You can truly be whoever or whatever you desire in ten strokes of a keyboard.
Is it really worth it? Giving up on you? Trying to be someone you are not…go somewhere you don’t want to go or know you cannot go; be someone you don’t want to be… just to BELONG? Learn to accept yourself. Build a relationship with yourself. Fall in love with yourself—INTENSIVELY. No one defines you, but YOU; therefore, ALWAYS to thine ownself be TRUE!
"i found god in myself …and i loved her..i loved her fiercely"
from for colored girls by— Ntozake Shange
http://twitter.com/ErinsEcho
Reference:
Wyhe, J. (2002) editor. The complete work of Charles Darwin online. Available from http://darwin-online.org.uk/
Recommended readings:
Elizabeth Heubeck’s article, Teen peer pressure: Raising a peer-pressure-proof child
Erin’s Echo ©2011. All rights reserved.
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