every little girl dreams pt2: just when you think you have overcome the odds

Suggestion: Read every little girl dreams before reading part 2

©Erin’s Echo. 2012. All rights reserved.

You would think by now we had beaten the odds. How many times can one couple separate, file for divorce, cancel proceedings, and continue on in love and matrimony?  The matrimony part is easy. The loving part is easier, when you are happy—happy with self and happy when times are good. 

When you are married, you keep on till you reach your breaking point…everyone has a breaking point. They can tolerate this but not that; that is what caused the straw to break the camel’s back.  

How many times do I forgive? What do I forgive? Should I stay? Should I go?That is when I stand in front of the mirror and recite one of my favorite scriptures, Colossians 3:13—

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave YOU, so do YOU also”. ~New World Translation~

Many relate this scripture to their spiritual brothers and sisters; while that is accurate, it can totally be used for marriages—after all, this is the arrangement designed by God. 

Still, we separated again. This separation was different from all the others. The first two separations, my husband left me. I have never left my husband. The third separation was a mutual agreement between the two of us. Separation number one was due to lies, denial, lack of trust, and yes, infidelity. Separation two was due to lack of communication and spousal neglect. Separation three was because of lack of support, ineffective communication, and not valuing the institution of marriage. When you allow other people into your marriage, you weaken the bond joined by man and wife. 

How did we determine if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand!? Simple; it is not complicated at all. I state all the time, we were born with the natural affection to love, hate is symbolic for confusion, and I don’t care is symbolic for I don’t care; but intimate love…loving someone like no other…the feeling of being in love is simple. If you can’t see yourself happy without them; if you cry when you think of the goodness you felt while with them; when you see them, you want to hug them and take away your pain while healing their own…if you know you have not put your best-foot forward, given 100/100, then it is possible to reconcile (this is not always true for every marriage). 

For us, Phil & me, it was simply focusing on why I married him/her; not why we separated. What do we need and want from marriage? The answer, love, intimacy, friendship, support, laughter…happiness—mutual happiness. 

The divorce rate is so high today. In 2010, in the United States alone, there were 2,096,000 marriages and 872,000 divorce/annulments (CDC/NCHS, 2012). Why? In most marriages today, spouses decide not to fight for their marriage; they give up, because they become selfish—self-involved, “[People] will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty…unthankful, disloyal, having no natural [or, familial] affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God” (2 Timothy 3:2-4, New World Translation).

They feel divorce will make them happy. They see freedom in a world full of single people and they desire it. These are simply temptations. We seek guidance from family, friends, therapists, but not from God. Some of us are being misguided, misled by the desires of the unmarried world. We become selfish in our thinking and move from what “we” need to what “I” need. Mostly, those “needs” are “wants”. Selfish wants that arise from temptations. You see a woman or man…a lifestyle “you” don’t have and “you” want it. You don’t pray and ask to be delivered from temptations. So when an adulterated thought turns to chance, most of us act on it and we learn that the grass is not always greener (be sure to read my essay in my upcoming memoir: When the greener grass turns blue).

In my marriage, and I can speak for both Phil and I when I state this, we have felt unsupported, unloved, un-united, disrespected, & the one I am about to state now is common in marriages today, UNAPPRECIATED! 

These feelings of neglect can lead to unlawful relationships, infidelity, and distrust. You can have an innocent relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but feel guilty so you try to cover and it comes off as “sneaky”…ungodly. 

Is our marriage solid now or is it hollow? My answer, my marriage is my marriage. Besides what I voluntarily share, nothing else is of anyone’s concern and we are not concerned with what anyone else think. It is hard work, but I don’t do easy and I always remember that, “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling” (1 Peter 4: 8-9, New World Translation).

In our home, we keep a family photo/scrapbook. There are like 3 pages dedicated to our marriage, and things we must do to fireproof (envy proof...gossip proof...trick/mutt proof) our marriage. I read these at least once daily. Are we good now? Will we separate again? Possibly divorce? 

I don’t know. I don’t focus on that. I focus on what we must do to avoid separation and divorce. If it comes to that, at least we will know we put our best foot forward and gave 100/100. I hope anyone reading this with doubts on a marriage growing stronger and love fonder, will consider that it is possible to grow and strengthen marriage and love!

Thank you for reading...I love yous!

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Some of my favorite scriptures:

Scriptures to keep in mind about love & marriage:

It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Genesis 2:18

Hence Jehovah God had a deep sleep fall upon the man and, while he was sleeping, he took one of his ribs and then closed up the flesh over its place. And Jehovah God proceeded to build the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman and to bring her to the man. Then the man said: “This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, Because from man this one was taken.” That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.—Genesis 2:21-24

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:6

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”—1 Peter 4:8

“Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from YOU along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave YOU.”—Ephesians 4: 31, 32

Marriage and Commitment

Unselfish Love “In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself,  for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it…” Ephesians 5:28, 29

Building a Foundation “According to the undeserved kindness of God that was given to me, as a wise director of works I laid a foundation, but someone else is building on it. But let each one keep watching how he is building on it.”—1 Corinthians 3:10

Submission “YOU wives, be in subjection to [your] husbands, as it is becoming in [the] Lord. YOU husbands, keep on loving [your] wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.—Colossians 3: 18, 19

Obligation “What you vow, pay. Better is it that you vow not than that you vow and do not pay.”—Ecclesiastes 5: 4, 5

Teamwork “Two are better than one…for if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10

Self-Sacrifice “There is more happiness in giving than there is receiving.”—Acts 20:35

Longevity “Love…endures all things”—1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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...every little girl dreams: Is my marriage really over?

© 2012. Erin’s Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

Every little girl dreams of Prince Charming and a fairytale wedding. Walking down a white-runner aisle laced in rose petals with all eyes upon her...admiring her. Today she marries her friend, but tomorrow and the next tomorrow is when the test of compromise and compassion begin. You are now man and wife. You can kiss the fairytale goodbye. Or do you?

Erin & Phil, 1994

Many may not understand that marriage is an institution...an arrangement designed by God. When you hear the word institution, do you not immediately think insanity, education, ...money? Arrangement...an agreement...organized, well thought out plan...arranged so it is effective. A flower arrangement. Growth.

For better and for worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health. I will honor this arrangement until departed from my spouse by death (physical death, emotional death...physical of course).

~with liberty & justice for all...wait wrong topic...I DO~

Be assured, the worse, poorer, and sickness shall come. Is your foundation solid? Concrete...water? Sand, quicksand...solid? What solidifies a marriage? How do I know if my marriage is really over?   ~raises hand anxiously~

After three (yes 3) separations and  filing for divorce, I was ready to pass out the invites to my Divorce reception; and Phil, well, he was ready to attend. He had the audacity to ask me, "How many people can I invite, Dee?" ~scoffs~ I'm the Bride-to-un-be, you are not stealing my show! ~dang~

Really, I told him we would do everything in reverse order. The DiMarriage would  take place in a funeral home...he picked Montgomery, Alabama for location to be fair to traveling relatives. His family would sit on my side...my family would sit on his side; we would  have funeral songs played, "The Works I've Done"...we would say our eulogies...and my Daddy would hesitate on taking me back because, "I ain't neva gave hurr away!" My Mahm would roll her eyes and say, "I take my baby back!" Daddy would be asking is that gonna cost him any money, "Ain't it cheaper to let him keep hurr?" I would give him the evil , spoil eye. 

Phil sisters would be like, "Heyyyy" and blowing out the unity candles. My sister would be taking notes on how to have a bigger DiMarriage and reception than me. It would be all in the name of love!

Headed out to celebrate 9th Wediversary 2009

However, we never made it! ~kissteeth, roll eyes~

For the second time in our 12 year marriage,  we cancelled divorce proceedings. Now, get this, we have been together 18 years. We married in 2000,but we separated in 2002 for almost 4 years. Yes, we did...we were dating each other and working on self and marriage and we reconciled in late 2005 and relocated to Ohio in 2006. 

It was good...it was so good! We were both so happy. Then along comes sickness. Sickness brought along poorer. Poorer invited worse. Battling depression from losing my Auntee and best friend to death in the span of 6 months sent me to a place...a dark place...a lonely place. I neglected my husband. I was a functional zombie. I yelled, cried, and embraced myself in a fetal position until I found sleep. Eventually, he left. I didn't care. I'm not even sure I noticed. 

We were separated and I had not told him about my health issues. I totally forgot I had his sister listed as a point of contact. Well, my doctor office called his sister looking for me and that is  how Phil found out I had  taken a biopsy and it was inconclusive and they would need to schedule me for a tissue sample biopsy. I decided to keep my plans to visit my family in Alabama for the holidays. It is like 2008 now. When I got there, I told them I was sick and having test ran. My sister, Bonita is the only one who knew I was sick before I told my family.

To make a long story short, I was critically sick  for 2 years. Phil and I reconciled in May 2010 after a 2-year separation. The reconciliation this time, we thought I was dying. In all honesty, the Doctor told him my health was declining at a rapid pace. This was the second time a doctor told him he may lose his wife to death (the first was in 2006). If you do not know what love looks like, the look we gave each other at hearing that news was the look of love! Not sympathy...not regret...but love...true love. 

Stay tuned to part 2 of "every little girl dreams"  to read about yet, another separation and how we determined if our marriage was solid: concrete, water, sand, or quicksand! 

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...bridging the connection: love, hurt, peace

© 2012. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved. 

Relationships (professional, friend, intimate) begin for a reason and end for a reason. In those times, we may "connect" with others through that mutual friend. So, what happens when the lead relationship ends? If you are married and decide to end your marriage, do you divorce your mutual friends? No, you do not! The only people that can ever come between relationships are the people "directly" involved. No one else holds that power. If and when you give it up to someone else, you are not only just “hurt” you turn self into a victim by allowing suffering into your life. 

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – M. Kathleen Casey

We hurt…we cause hurt…we heal…we help others heal. We have to stop making excuses for ourselves and others and realize that things happen in life; therefore, it is imperative to find the good in bad and the happy in sad. No one can do that for you, but you. We cheat ourselves when we say, “I’m never going to…” whatever the circumstance may be. We cheat ourselves when we make ourselves feel shame and regret, when we should be viewing things as life experiences. We cheat ourselves when we put up defense mechanisms to protect our heart, body, and mind. We cheat ourselves when we say we forgive, but don’t forget. If you don’t forget, how can you forgive? We cheat ourselves when we enact revenge. It is okay to be hurt…again, pain is inevitable; so we only inflict more hurt on self when we seek revenge.

I know love & I know hurt, but, too, I know peace of mind!

I have never felt a pain as intense as a broken heart; however, just the same, I have never witnessed anyone die from a broken heart. A broken heart beats the same as an unbroken heart. The difference is the unbroken heart has never loved intimately, so the broken heart beats to wiser rhythm. 

In our personal lives and our professional lives, we write our own character resume. I’m so imperfect. I know that is hard to believe, but, really I am ~smile~. Yet the one thing I had ~notice the past tense there~ always been able to be proud of is, I never let another person’s actions dictate my own.  I never allowed hurt to guide me…people say love is blind…that is a myth; love sees perfectly clear…20/20 vision, but hurt is blind. Hurt invites in his/her unwanted and unneeded friends: misery, blame, anger, and revenge.  

“It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.” – George B. Shaw

So, when we are hurt what should we do? We should let the happiness end. Remember the good times by finding the good in bad…the happy in the sad. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, but refuse to act on it in a negative manner.  If a person has wronged you, thank them for showing you who they truly are and embrace the beginning of peace. Sure, love is the greatest of all things, it is a unique feeling of the uninterrupted self, but who wants a love that interrupts peace of mind, heart, and soul!? Not I, and I am sure not you!

 

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…my greatest challenge (from A Sinner’s Soul)

A Sinner's Soul

"Embracing my WHO I AM"

©2012. Erin Adams-Phillips. Erin’s Echo. All rights reserved.

I can be pretty damn convincing if I must say so myself. I’m a forced to be reckoned with. I laugh because I know many people don’t know the meaning of that idiom; therefore, they will NOT get the symbolism of its verbiage in this paragraph. Confused? Confused not; it is fairly simple. We, as humans, spend so much time trying to convince other people who we are…who we are not…what we believe…what we believe not…what we fear…what we fear not…what we love…what we love not…that it becomes a phase…a game. Who are we really trying to convince; others or self?

I am no angel. I am no saint. I am an ordinary person living in an everyday world full of temptation and sin. I fall short. I fail. I hurt people. I hurt. I heal. I forget. I forgive…yet; my greatest challenge is forgiving myself! 

I have beliefs…really; I do. That is no joke. I believe in being loyal. Being loyal is essential for me…it is not a choice…I am either with you or I am not. Sunday through Saturday. No certain days of the week. No special days…no holidays. There is no in between with me. I like you or I do NOT! I love you or I do NOT! I care or I care NOT! I’m loyal or I’m your worst enemy. Point blank. Period. Once I am betrayed, I find it easier to forgive the betrayer than to forgive myself for allowing myself to feel…love…be a friend…a mentor…whatever position it may be…forgiving me is my greatest challenge.

How many of you can relate to this? We give more to others (time, money, attention, support) than we do to self. We treat strangers better than we do family and self. We allow others to take (money, time, dignity, pride) more than they refuse to give and at the end of the day, we try to humble ourselves and tell ourselves “it isn’t their fault”…we forgive them. We own their errors and we bring upon ourselves unnecessary conflict. Emotional distress. Second-guessing self. Taking on burdens that don’t belong to self! Contradiction or conflict? 

Revolution or revelation? All of the above? 

Complicated simplicity…painfully beautiful!

Why is it so easy to forgive others and not me? 

Why am I so hard on me? 

Does the lack of self-forgiving mean that I believe that there is no such thing as a mistake; that in any event, I am a willing participant and deserve whatever hurt…whatever harm…whatever treatment comes my way? No matter how rude the awakening…regardless how unpleasant the hurt may be; that I must learn from my faults and suffer... “I made my own bed”; right? 

Wrong! 

Absolutely, positively WRONG! It means I’m a sinner with a soul. A sinner with a conscious. A sinner with a heart. I’m destined to bring hurt upon myself. It is natural to set goals I will not accomplish. It is a human-conditioned thought that I can always be a better me. It is NATURAL. 

So why is it such a challenge to forgive myself if all of this is “natural”?

“Self forgiveness is the process of restoring your directive will and to understand how you participate in reality and what you allow reality to become due to your participation and the patterns you allow” ~Bernard Poolman~

Self-forgiveness is a selfless act. It is the art of self-awareness…self-acceptance…self-love. It is very anti-egotistical. 

Really, Erin, just write it so everyone can understand it!

It is so hard for me to forgive myself because forgiving myself means that I must accept EVERYTHING about me…my past…my flaws…my strengths…my weaknesses. I must become emotionally intimate with myself…it is acknowledging all the things I do not want to be true in my life! It is a rare form of self-spiritual intimacy. 

Taking the good with the bad; self-revelation.  Accepting that what I do does not make me who I am, but who I am makes me abstain from things I should not do…in essence, self-forgiveness is cleaning the soul of a sinner or remaining selfish in a fool’s paradise. 

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...when he doesn't love you back

© 2012 Erin's Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

 There are many things in life I am unsure about—not one of them is love.

We often tell people things about themselves that they are totally in-tuned with. They don’t need the answer—they already know. You don’t need to smoke. You don’t need to drink. You don’t need to gang bang. You don’t need to use profanity. You don’t need to worry about that when you are sick! You just need to take care of yourself.  He/She doesn’t mean you any good! You want to be up shit creek without a boat and a paddle. You don’t love him and he doesn’t love you! You got played.

~Brakes screech~ I do love him. One thing I am never unsure of is who I love and how I love, and totally HOW I HURT. I’m also very aware that loving someone does not mean they will love me back. Everyone will not always be to you what you are to them. What do you do?

Some people want love to be private. They often say, "...you speak of your business too much out loud. People don't care". For me; damn people. 

 "...I tell what I want told. When someone asks about something I don't want known, I tell them that is uncharted territory. If they assume, dare I say lie, that really is not my concern; for it's none of my business what other people think about me." ~from a Sinner's Soul by Erin Adams-Phillips~

~trying to figure out the condition of one's thinking always fail! I prefer to let one know what I'm thinking and who I am...no guessing...no wondering...no worries. I'm a no non-sense, outspoken, straight shooter. Only you determines the target of my arrow! ~Nire Smada

With Erin, you never have to play Russian Roulette or Ring around no damn roses! I'm a big kid, but some games are not for adults!

"I keep coming back to you in my head, but you couldn't know that, and I have no carbons". ~Adrienne Rich

There are no carbon copies of my mind's thoughts…so how are you to know I think about you. You surely won’t believe me. 

Love is different for each person. I have people I love because love is natural. I have people I love because they’ve been supportive of me…a deeper affection than natural love. I love my children…that love cannot be compared. I love my mother ~smiling~  ~laughs~ okay, so I’m in love with her. I’ve tried hard not to be, but it is impossible. There is intimate love…not desire…LOVE. The feeling of loving someone, wanting to be intimate with that one and that one ONLY…wanting to share everything with that one…that is a love like no other! That is a love where there can never be any doubt.

Love doesn’t hurt. It feels so good. It makes you smile and skip for no reason at all other than you are loved.

No, no, love may not always be right, but one thing I am certain of is when, who, why, and how I love.

My head hurts....my eyes want to cry to release the tension. The thought of the warm, clear liquid streaming down my face haunts me. I refuse to cry. I allowed myself to feel today...to cry...to need to lean on someone....give up my Wonder Woman powers and be comforted by my superman...but as usual expectations causes disappointments.  So I did what I do best..put back on my bracelets to guard my heart...my tiara to protect my brain...comforted my friend who lost her sister to death...oiled my kids hair...cleaned...reached out to the cyber world...did homework and imagined my life in harmony with my WHO...people tell me I'm like my Mon and that Wonder Woman, like she ended up alone...from here on out my reply will be THANK YOU verses I know. Why? It’s better to be miserable and alone than miserable and loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

…Sarcoidosis Awareness: for the love of Faye

©2012. Erin's Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved.

 

This is a short version which turned out longer...it was hard to type...I left out much of the somber days of pain, not eating, sleeping, and praying! But still, this is my story...my fight...my battle with Sarcoidosis!

I can still remember back in 2007…not even a year away from my comfort zone…my family…all I knew…I had left behind. Now, I’m in a strange city, commanding Phil to call my sister, Bonita, as I look at the doctor saying "she’s really sick"…Phil gets Bee on the phone…"They say I have internal bleeding”…Bonita is in Alabama on the phone with doctors, “Test my sister for Sarcoidosis!”  I'm not sure if the doctors heard her cry. Though they said I wouldn’t make it through the night, I did…and many more nights. However, it would take 3 long years before they finally write and say, “Erin, you have Sarcoidosis”.

Me/Erin & Anita "Faye" Leggittee--RIP, Faye!

I decided to share my difficult diagnosis this month for the love of Faye—Anita Faye Leggitte is my 1^st cousin and Godsister. She, too, had Sarcoid and she passed away in 2003 at the tender age of 40. I have never revealed to anyone but my family what I had to deal with regarding Sarcoid. In fact, I never told them the whole truth until I went home to visit and realized I left some much needed medical equipment. I had to tell them the truth at that time. I can still see the look on my Mahm’s face. 

When people say Sarcoid attacks the lungs, that is true, but not the WHOLE TRUTH--I hate when people refer it to Lupus--they are not the same…Sarcoid can and it will attack anything from the smallest organ to the largest, your skin. The first attack was on my pancreas. The doctors could not figure out why I had chronic pancreatitis; my gall bladder was fine.  I was never a heavy drinker. My liver was fine…all was puzzled…I was in  PAIN. Now, I can’t breathe. Oh my, God! Docs say, ADULT ASTHMA! ~roll eyes~ Shortness of breathe and I worked out…Phil and I were on the track almost every day. 

Next, my sight went. It started out blurry...then became fuzzy. Then just like a light. I read lips for goodness sake...now I can't see~! The doctors said it was due to my pancreas not producing insulin and I was experiencing Type 1 Diabetes symptoms. All those days? Come on now! I’m partially deaf, at that time, partially blind, but never dumb! Type 1 Diabetes causes you to urinate often…I couldn’t urinate at all! So what goes next;  my bladder. So, here I am…cannot eat, regurging like crazy, can’t see, and I can’t urinate! I was so swollen and it hurt to be touched. I felt like an invalid. I would stay secluded and just cry. I would pop med after med and just tell my kids, “I’m all right. I’m okay,” and smile. I hated being sick and not knowing what was wrong with me. I was tested for every cancer possible as well as Lupus and other auto-immune diseases.

One of my infamous hospital stays!

I literally wanted to die! I felt I was suffering…this was crazy!

Finally, I got into a program with several different specialists. They requested all my records from Alabama and all the ones from Ohio. It turns out that not only did I have abnormal EKGs and chest x-rays in Ohio, I also had them in Alabama. However, in Alabama, I never did follow-up ~my mistake~.  The only other things in Alabama were irregular thyroid counts, anemia, and the heat made me very exhausted…not tired….EXHAUSTED! I hated to go outside…I always felt nauseous and faint. 

They started to do blood tests on me every week. The key was to look at my ACE blood levels. They were consistently elevated. This confirmed with the chest x-rays that I had Sarcoidosis—multi-organ: Pulmonary, Digestive, Urinary, and later Lymphatic. 

We learned that I do not have chronic pancreatitis; Sarcoid mocked pancreatitis…also, my mouth. My saliva was just gross to me. I had polyps in my mouth, for the first time ever in my life, I lost a tooth! I have never lost a tooth. Sarcoid attacked my teeth. Thankfully, I have only lost one and the meds are helping. My skin…my once flawless, beautiful skin…butterfly rashes…who termed them rashes? I don’t know, but I call them babies BLISTERS. They hurt like hell and they leave permanent scarring. God is good, because I have not had an issue with my teeth, skin, nor salivary glands in a while now. 

My colon! Yes, my colon! I went to the hospital ER in pain…thinking it was just Sarcoid in my pancreas and they immediately admitted me because my colon was swollen and had I not got to the ER I could have died due to a rupture! Sarcoid is a bitch! Every symptom is important! I’m like WOW! This is crazy!

Phil & the kids sleep after an unexpected hospital admittance

My pancreas is the only thing that gives me issues every now and again…today is that NOW and when I go into a flare-up, my lungs act out, but not to a point where I get totally sick. I have to be over cautious to avoid pneumonia and ensure to take annual flu and pneumonia shots.

Urinary—Bladder. I don’t have issues with my bladder now and that is a major plus. I have the best Urinary Gynecologist (URI-GYN) known to womankind! She did so much research. We had never heard of Sarcoid attacking the bladder. I found out through a friend that she had a friend who lost a kidney to Sarcoid. My doctor did research and YES…granulomas! Now, Sarcoid has attacked my bladder. I could not urinate. I feel into a depression so deep! I can’t even remember if I told Bonita the whole truth. I went into the Dr. office weekly to have my bladder flushed with saline water….they gave me pills that made my urine orange (I forgot the name), but they did not help…I still couldn’t urinate. So, I had to go in to be catheterize and then a saline flush…I had a therapist who taught me exercises to strengthen my muscles…I didn’t need help with that hahaaaaa….that wasn’t the issue, honey! That part of me worked juss fine, you hear me!? Phil was not complaining and neither was I…until after and I couldn’t urinate!  Standing in the shower…nada….sometimes it would take me over 30 minutes to let go one stream and then I’d yell because I didn’t have the strength to get it all out….it was awful. My children would wait it out with me...they even said, "Just show me how to do it...I will do the needle!" WOW...I am blessed!

The docs and nurses know her by name!

Finally, I had to learn to self-catheterize! The nurse was a gem. I cried…I yelled…she patted my back…telling me it was okay; yet, I would not be able to leave until I did it correctly. After sobs and prayers, and a nap lol…no joke, I cried myself to sleep…I asked for the mirror again and I did it. She clapped…I was proud too…I cried…but oh, the relief! She still made me do it two more times to ensure I didn’t just get lucky hahaaa…..Depression is now at an all-time high…I get home…have to urinate…can’t do it. I can’t get the needle right…I’m fussing and cursing and damning Sarcoid. Finally, on Phil’s birthday, I had a breakdown! I threw cake…I threw food…I yelled….I cursed everybody out—I had been suffering in silence and I had to urinate and couldn’t. He just looked at me…helplessly! I was so mad…so angry! I was swollen…I was in pain…I wanted my Momma! 

As soon as school let out, that is what I did…I packed my car…my kids and went to my Momma…but I left my needles. Now, I have to tell my Mahm, I have been home for 3 days and haven’t urinated. I self-cath 4 times a day. I had to explain why I was swollen…irritable…in pain….she was so scared. I had the worse attack…I just cried. She begged me to go to the hospital, let them cath me! NOOOOO….too many people I know and loved walked in and came out in body bags…I will just go on back home. I drove back to Ohio. Left my kids in Bama…stayed in Ohio for about a week and went back to Alabama with no intentions of coming back to Ohio, but I ended up back here after all. 

Who is the patient? Phil sleep I was woke!

That was hard on my Momma! To see me like that. I didn’t want anyone to pity me nor feel sorry for me. I never wanted for her to see me that sick, you know? When I was home last, the smile on my Auntee’s face when I told her my bladder works now…that may seem like nothing to some, but for her and for me, that was priceless. I fought back tears. My Mahm and my Auntee…they’ve buried their parents, their sisters, nieces, nephews, and my Auntee has buried her oldest and her youngest sons. I draw strength from them. Auntee said, “We know a lot about Sarcoidosis; it has been in the family for years!” She did not say it like a professional…she said it like a woman who has watched this illness wreak havoc on her nieces. In other words, come home if you MUST, we will take care of you. 

She also knows, I am the product of her…the product of my Mahm and their mom….I don’t want to seem helpless…I do not want to be a burden. I am a woman of strength and a woman of courage. I am not too proud to go home and let my family help me…take care of me even. They would do it without a second thought. I feel I am getting better. Moving South is still in my plans. I am not writing off anything at the moment. They understand I MUST do what is best for my physical, emotional, and mental health as well as provide stability to my childs!

My Daughters and Me

I remember saying “if any of my mom girls have to have this disease, I hope it be me, because my sisters couldn’t handle it”…now I find myself saying, “Dear God, please, let it skip my daughters!” 

I hate when people say "you don't look sick"

My name is Erin…I am the face of Sarcoidosis. It isn’t just in my lungs…it is in my bladder, my colon, my salivary glands, my pancreas, and even my skin! Yet, I smile…I smile wide and with pride…because regardless of how many images I take a month, no matter how many PFTs I take a month, and the meds they keep me on, I ensure I always take my Vitamin G—that’s God! I don’t pray for healing…I pray for humility and for endurance…so far, so good…because I am worthy and God said that!I have Sarcoidosis, Sarcoidosis does NOT have me!

…the need to prevail: the Trayvon Martin murder

©2012. Erin’s. Echo. Erin Adams-Phillips. All rights reserved. 

Justice for Trayvon Martin--RIP

I have been asked by family, friends, and colleagues alike why I have not blogged on the Trayvon Martin story. My answer remained the same, “…the audience that needs to read it won’t be reached”. Was that an answer or an excuse? As a writer, my goal is to reach someone and teach anyone…through experience, reflection, or cause. After conversing with a colleague,  I decided it is my duty as a writer to blog on the Trayvon Martin murder.

As AIN recruited members and fans to stand in the line of justice. I was humbly and simply reminded that I grew up in an era where “it took a village” and in order to receive justice for Trayvon Martin, we must become part of that village. The message that needs to be delegated is not about AGE…it is not about GENDER…it is not about SOCIAL CLASS…it is not about EDUCATION…it is not about RACE…it is about RIGHT and it is about WRONG; regardless of how ANYONE looks at it, the death of Trayvon Martin is WRONG…this was more than a tragedy, this was a CRIME. To add insult to injury and make a mockery of justice, his murderer walks free while his family mourns their son, pays respect to his memories, and fight for their rights not only as American citizens, but as humans! 

It is ironic the quote I am going to use is by one of my favorite poets who passed away 27 March 2012, Ms. Adrienne Rich, “I came to explore the wreck…The words are purposes…The words are maps…I came to see the damage that was done…and the treasures that prevail’. 

The wreck is the murder of Trayvon Martin…it must be explored! Our words of purpose are words for justice for Trayvon…the words will be the map to ensure no other family has to endure this injustice and affliction…we have seen the damage this has done—a child is dead! Hear our words…hear our outcry for JUSTICE…our treasures that must prevail is that we are one…we are united…Justice must prevail! 

What message is the State of Florida sending to its citizens? That "stand your ground" is legal license to shoot whoever you want? That skittles and tea are weapons? Justice is served when an Officer of the Law steps down (temporarily may I add)?

How does the US Department of Justice defend this mockery? By allowing the “Stand Your Ground Law” to be a reason to kill someone—an innocent person? Yet, when we speak out, our Freedom of Speech is considered offensive? That Trayvon is not equal to Zimmerman…his life was not as important? After all, he looked suspicious; right? Stand your ground!

Dr. Sachs writes, “The tragic reality of the world's biggest corrupt legal system -… YOU could be the next victim on USA territory - innocent and sent to prison, or strapped to a table and put to death; or robbed of your life…” 

Treasures that prevail!

The US is telling us, if it isn’t broke, why fix it? If it works for most, it works. Tell that to Trayvon’s mother and father! Tell that to the parents triple-checking their kids to see if they look “suspicious” before they leave home. Tell that to the parents who are now afraid to even give their child a cell phone as a form of communication, because if skittles and tea are weapons, cell phones must be Weapons of Mass Destruction—or so says our justice system. 

STAND YOUR GROUND! A LAW!  A LEGAL LAW! Well, that is exactly what we intend to do—STAND OUR GROUND! Our ground, our belief, is that we are for RIGHT…we do NOT care who is WRONG! 

We are for justice…We are people with a purpose!

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